Back to School for the Child Loss Parent

It’s mid August in Nebraska which marks another school year starting. To some it’s the thrill of having their kids gone all day so they can get things done at home. To others it’s the stress of wondering if their child is making friends, behaving, and understanding the material; however, to the bereaved parent it marks another anniversary of not having a First Day of School picture. I see you. I hear you. I feel it too. 

I think about another school year starting, specifically 3rd grade. I walk through Target seeing all of the school supplies, the Back to School display with shinny backpacks, thermoses and lunch boxes. There’s so many choices, a lot more than I had to choose from when I was starting 3rd grade. It’s almost too many choices. From animals, sparkles, super hero’s, sports teams, Disney characters, and plain ones;  I look at them all, wondering.... Would Macie would have wanted everything princess like her little sister or would she be a “tom boy” wanting everything Cornhuskers like her daddy? We live in Nebraska and everything is Go Big Red in our house. 

Then I stroll over to the supplies, there was always something about a freshly sharpened pencil and the smell of the paper of a new notebook that excited me when I was little. The brand new markers that are so new the caps are still hard to take off!  I’ve always had a passion for learning and a love for “school” supplies and at 35 this hasn’t changed. I’m still a book nerd. I wonder if she would have had my love of learning? If she’d be excited to pick out supplies? If she’d have a preference for a freshly sharpened pencil or mechanic pencil? Things that seem so simple to parents. Things that most parents may even rush through. It’s okay. 

I wonder who her teacher would be? What school she’d attend?  Would we have moved back from Lees Summit if she hadn’t passed away? The truth is, as much as I love being back home in Nebraska, I simply do not know. I wonder who her friends would be and what’d they’d be like?  Would she be into wearing dresses or athletic shorts? Would the first day of school be as monumental to her as it was to me? Would she have to try everything on to make sure she had just the right outfit for the first day? Would she let me walk her in on her first day or tell me good-bye from the sidewalk while she ran independently inside to her class? 

I want to hug my 3rd grader and to hear all about her day. To see if she liked her teacher. To ask the daily question "what was the best part of your day today Macie?" and "what was the worst part of your day Macie?".  If Maxene learns one thing from me, I hope it’s to find the good in people, in every situation, in all of life and everything in general. You may have to really look to find the good, but it's always there just below the surface, waiting .... I digress, we’re talking about my other daughter Macie. 

I’m always going to wonder because Macie died. The day she died part of me died as well. A part of me that hasn’t come back to life just yet and probably never will; there is forever this tiny little void that is empty in my heart, for that is the spot where Macie's love lived; the very essence of me that was all hers .... and it is forever gone now. The day she died all of my hopes for her died. My dreams for her. My plans for her, plans that she probably would have changed because let’s face it she’s my kid.

I am learning that it is okay to long for her, to cherish her memory, to mourn her memory, and most importantly to simply miss her. 

With all of this said, here is what the take away is: Enjoy the small things because when you look back they truly will be the BIG things. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life it’s okay to take that extra minute to enjoy the moment. Cherish it! Give that extra hug or kiss, give two or three!  Take the picture, take a hundred of them! Capture that moment, remember it, love it and share it!

There will be a graduation day in 2029 and there will be one missing ... remember her, say her name ... Macie. And, please say a quick prayer of comfort for us as well.

All my love,

Forever Macie’s Mama.

My should be 3rd grader.

Forever 3 months and 19 days.

Class of 2029.

Elkhorn

I took Max to music class last night in Elkhorn. Driving in Elkhorn and seeing all of the blue ribbons for Lane pulled at my heart. I love how the community came together and rallied for this family, it makes me honored to be from a state and a community that is genuine with true Midwest charm. I’m proud to be a Nebraskan. I was overcome with emotion and couldn’t help but cry for that family, for that mom. In the English language there are orphans, widows, widowers, but there is no word for a parent who loses a child because that is how horrible the loss is. When you lose a child you are haunted with a lifetime of wonder and ‘what if’s’. 

To that mom- You don’t know me, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to live through this nightmare. I’m sorry you have to discover a strength within yourself you may not have known you had. I’m sorry your life will always be defined by before and after the day your son died. I’m sorry you have to learn a “new normal”. I’m sorry you have to sit in his room knowing he will never sleep in his bed again. I’m sorry you are going to look at his toys and remember the joy they brought him and the pain it’s going to cause in your heart. I’m sorry for the physical pain you will feel in your arms because they are now empty. I’m sorry you had to live through burying your child. I’m sorry you’re never going to experience his first day of kindergarten, graduation, his wedding, his kids, and all of the other milestones… there are so many things people can say, but I’m just so sorry. I have cried for you, hurt for you, and prayed for you. 

There are going to be days when you want to punch something- do it. If you want to sit in a closet to hide and cry- do it. If you want to blare music or scream at God- do it. No one can tell you “the right way” to handle this situation because how you need to process this tragedy is the right way, remember that. It’s sad, but we live in a world where everyone thinks they are the perfect parent and it is OK to blame or shame other parents, ignore them. The most flawed individuals are the quickest to point fingers and blame others.

 As the days pass I will always pray for you and I pray God wraps you in his arms as everything is felt and just holds you close.

Take Care,
Lisa

Far too LONG!

Hey Friends,

I know there has been a lot of time that has passed, but I have thought about writing so that counts...right? Maybe? Ok, ok I know it has been FAR too long! Luckily most of you are friends with me on Facebook so you know I have been busy with Miss Max and she is getting busier each day.

So Max arrived 9/22/15 at 4:24pm weighing 8 pounds 1 ounce and 21 inches long. She came into this world showing her personality from the start. If she is upset about something she is not afraid to let you know and will continue to let you know until it is fixed. I think she is going to be a very strong willed little girl, but we shall see!

When I was pregnant with her I prayed a lot asking God to have her features resemble what I needed in my heart. I had no idea what was going to help my broken heart. Some days I wanted her to look just like Macie and other days I wanted her to look nothing like Macie, therefore I prayed.  There were so many times I remember being home alone and just getting on my knees and praying and having long conversations with God about guiding me and helping my heart and for him to give me strength and the tools I needed to be the best mom I could be for Maxene. To say I was scared might be an understatement. I don't think I have ever been so terrified of anything, in my life, as I was when I was pregnant. I mean lets face it, Max was my 3rd pregnancy and she is my only living child. I think worrying and being scared was justified.

When Max arrived I cried, a lot. It makes me teary eyed just thinking and reminiscing about the day she joined us. Yes I was in pain, but nothing I hadn't experienced before or couldn't handle. I just remember the first time I saw her I was so happy that I was bursting at the seams and my hormones were a little out of wack so instead of just smiling and being happy, I cried. I couldn't believe it, she was here. All of the tears, false pregnancy tests, miscarriage, mixed emotions... SHE WAS HERE! My rainbow baby.

Max will be 8 months on May 22nd (I feel like time is flying!), I love watching her discover and learn new things. It's so fun watching her get excited over colors or certain toys. With as much as I love it, I would by lying if I didn't say it can be hard. It's difficult experiencing first hand what I missed out on with Macie. I wish Macie was here to be my little "helper" and for Max to look up to her big sister and so they could be best friends, but do their normal sibling bickering. Yes I'm wishing I had children that were bickering. :)

I'm sure there is plenty more to say, but that I all I have for tonight and I promise to start writing again more frequently!!

Take Care,
Lisa

July 15th

Hey Friends,

 

Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m really good with dates. A year ago today is when I felt every emotion one person can feel. I woke up ecstatic and by the end of the day my heart was broken because I would soon find out I was going to miscarry. I have been very open about my child loss journey from the beginning and today is just another day that will forever leave an imprint on my heart and the wonder of the unknown or what could have been on my mind. I should have a 4 year old and 4 month old in the back of my vehicle when I’m driving down the road, but I don’t. I should have a house full of a little girls laughter and hearing baby giggles, but I don’t. And even though I don’t have those things I try my best daily to never throw a pity party either. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me, I was chose to live this life and I do it to the best of my ability.

Until you have been through something like this it is impossible to explain and there’s no way to know how strong of a person you are until you are smacked in the face with tragedy. While I can’t explain why I can tell you that I definitely have a desire to be strong all the time and never show weakness. I never want to have the reputation of being “the mom that lost it”. I have and will always be the one to put on a strong front even if I’m dying on the inside and try to show grace, but sometimes I don’t understand why I’m so concerned about how I’m perceived because it isn’t like any of us are going to make it out alive.

But even through everything for the first time I’m excited for the future and 76 days from now when Maxene is due. To say I’m scared could be the understatement of the century, but I’m ready. I’m so ready for this journey even with all of the emotions and fears that are surfacing. I can’t wait for the day when I can hold her in my arms and stare at her perfect little face.

Take Care,

Lisa

More Heartache...The Miscarriage

Hey Friends,

The past 2 weeks have been awful to sum it up in the least. As many of you saw on Facebook a few weeks ago Chris and I were so ecstatic to announce that Macie was going to be a big sister.  I can't even begin to explain the happiness, hope, love and excitement that came with that positive pregnancy test. I was so happy I bursted into tears. I couldn't believe my eyes. Finally after a lot of negative pregnancy tests and thinking it was never going to happen it was finally positive. I was finally pregnant.

Our first doctor's appointment was on July 15th. We were so excited that morning to go to the doctor and see our little rainbow baby that we were basically skipping and whistling the whole way in. They ran through the normal intake paperwork and then they go to the part that I was dreading. How many living children...it's like being punched in the stomach when I get asked that question and I know I'm going to have to explain Macie's life from the pregnancy, labor, and everything up until she passed. Chris did a great job of answering most of those questions because he knows how much I hate them.

When they did the ultra sound the PA couldn't find the heart beat and thought maybe it was her machine or I wasn't as far along as I had thought so they sent me up to radiology to get a more detailed ultra sound. It only took the chance that something may be wrong for me to turn into water works. The tears came and I couldn't hold back. I cried up to radiology, cried in the room, cried during the ultra sound, cried after, you get the idea. I was scared something was wrong. When they measured the babies heart beat and it was 55 my heart sank because I knew something was wrong. I remember Macie's being 160. I knew 55 wasn't good.

After we were done in radiology we went back downstairs and waited on the doctor. We waiting 20 minutes, but it seriously felt like hours and I couldn't stop pacing. The doctor walked in and said, "I don't have good news" and the grief hit like a ton of bricks. That feeling I recognized. I started bawling uncontrollably.

The babies heartbeat was weak and it was only a matter of time before the baby passed and I may miscarry on my own. We were sent on our way and scheduled to return the following Monday, July 21. I sat in the parking lot and cried for awhile. I was so sad, mad, disappointed, angry and the grief just wouldn't stop.

Tuesday to the following Monday could have been the longest 6 days of my life. When we went in Monday and got the ultra sound it was confirmed that there was no longer a heart beat. The baby had passed and I hadn't miscarried on my own so I would need surgery the next day to remove the baby. That conversation was a blur, but luckily Chris was listening. Next thing I knew I was back at the hospital Tuesday morning bright and early and ready for the surgery. It was outpatient so I was home that afternoon and stayed home Wednesday too so I could recover. I was fully recovered from the surgery within a few days.

Tuesday is the day of the week Macie passed, the day we found out about this baby and the day of my surgery. It's probably going to take me awhile to warm up to Tuesdays. As for now I hate Tuesdays because in my world bad things happen on Tuesdays.

I've proven how strong of a person I am and I know I will survive this with the same dignity and grace that I have always had. I know some are worried I will become wreck less, but it isn't who I am. I haven't lost all hope in the world and I'm not going to crumble or break. Yes I'm sad, but I'm ok too. I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other just as I always have.

I don't have much more to say at this time other than I am no longer pregnant and that is what happened with our rainbow baby.

Take Care,
Lisa

Memorial Day and THAT movie

Hey Friends,

I went to the cemetery today. I looked at the date and the first thing that popped into my head is that her headstone was put in 3 years ago today. The Tuesday before Memorial Day. Seems fitting since she died on a Tuesday that her headstone was put in on a Tuesday, but I guess those are things only a mother remembers. When I was at the cemetery I took everything down and scrubbed every centimeter of her headstone, the cement, the vase, the letters, everything. I needed it to look perfect and polished. I needed it to be different. It has looked the same for the past few years and I was ready for it to change. I got new flowers and a type I had never put there before, I removed the clutter, and got 2 new statues to place there. Once I was done cleaning and visiting Macie's spot I went to Jenny's and visited her and made sure it looked perfect, which is did as always. I do this weekly, but I'm glad I went today and didn't wait until Monday to visit Macie's spot. I know I'll go Monday again and I may even go tomorrow. Sometimes going and visiting and talking brings me peace.

I just finished watching the movie Return to Zero. I knew it was about a couple losing their first child and the stages of grief. It is a movie that I wanted to see, but hurt so deeply. I don't think watching it alone was my greatest idea, yet I think it is exactly what I needed. Some of the movie struck nerves with how real it was yet it was comforting to know my journey is normal. It showed them trying to cope with alcohol and separately and smoking cigarettes and the isolation you feel when you lose a child and are trying to figure out how to cope. Trying to find that new normal. It illustrated them grieving separately and them asking the other one how they are and the response was always, I'm fine or I'm great. It's true and is a normal reaction. You are already so vulnerable after the loss of a child and are in survival mode so rather than opening yourself up anymore you shut down and make everyone believe you are fine, even the person you are married to and supposed to be the most honest with. I loved that it showed the anger, rudeness and hatefulness you go through. I often wondered if it was normal to be so angry that I could break something and then burst into tears because the same thing that was causing me anger was also causing me to hurt. It is nice to know I'm not the only one.

It showed the repetition without resolution. How you get stuck in a rut and that you have gone into a cave that you can find the exit of. It's hard to change your mind set when you read the autopsy and you just feel like there are no true answers. There's no true definite reason on why your baby died. The only thing you do know is that you were chosen to live this path, chosen to feel the greatest pain in the world, chosen to have something so horrific happen that you lost part of yourself. A part that can never be restored.

It showed how a marriage struggles. But it also showed the husband cheating and that bothered me. I don't want to live in a world where it is considered acceptable for either partner to cheat because of grief. Maybe it should be deemed acceptable, but sign me out. I hated that part of the movie. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I thought it was extremely inappropriate how they tried to portray it as normal. It isn't normal to go outside your marriage just like it isn't normal for a parent to bury their child. Agree with me or not, but that is my feelings on the topic.

The rest of it was very spot on and reassuring with it's accuracy.  How you love that your friends are having babies, but it hurts. How you appreciate everything about a little kid 10 times more than you probably would have if your child was still here. How at the end of the day I will always be Macie's mom and no one can ever take that away from me. How people will tell you it happens for a reason or that it is God's plan and you have to have faith and you want to scream at them to explain it to you because you don't understand, but you bite your tongue. How you feel like if you let go of the pain you lose her. How your afraid of everything.

At the end of the movie it showed that they had another child and the hope, love and joy was restored. This is the way I want my story to go as well. I cannot wait for the day that I am holding a baby in my arms again. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but even if it isn't for 2 years from now I still long for that day. I'm ready. I'm terrified, but ready. I can't wait to hold that baby and tell them all about their big sister Macie that will forever be watching over them and protecting them.

That's all for now.

Take Care,
Lisa

Turning 30

Hey Friends,

Well I made it. I am now 30! I don’t get all the hype, I feel the exact same I did a year ago. :) I had a lot of fun hanging out with my friends and spending close to a week celebrating. The people that I work with made it extra special with all of there "dooms day" things in my office and this past Saturday I went to Bushwhackers and most of my friends came, even some from KC that I don’t get to see that often so it was a great surprise! And I am now one more birthday closer to seeing Macie again.
 

The only one missing was Jenny. She was heavy on my mind all day and night. I never thought 26 would be the last year we would spend together celebrating each other’s birthdays and I never thought I would be hitting a century mark without her.  Her 30^th is fast approaching, May 28^th, and I know she’ll be celebrating and I’ll do my best to be happy that day and try to celebrate her and not be sad that she isn’t here for me to celebrate with her.

Every time I see this on Facebook it reminds me of Jenny. If you know me then you know I am obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I have never missed an episode and Jenny was “my person”.

 

 

 

As I reflect on turning 30 the next thing I think about is having another child. I have been saying "someday" for years now. The truth is I don't know when "someday" will happen. I don't know what is in the cards for me. I would love more than anything to have another child, I just don't know when that will happen at this point in my life. So for now I will continue to say, "someday".

 

Monday is Cinco de Mayo which was one of Jenny's favorite days. So in honor of all the years we celebrated it together I will be drinking a margarita, eating chips and salsa and saying "Happy Cinco de Mayo" (pronounced like the sandwich spread) and laugh thinking of her saying it and laughing until she was in tears. Sometimes the good memories ease my heartache a little.

 

Some days I just miss her and would do anything to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. The grief roller coaster usually hits at the most inappropriate times. I can be in the middle of my day and think of her and my eyes will fill with tears. No matter how much time has passed Toby Keith's Cryin' for Me will always be my "Jenny" song and it's below.

 

 



I hope everyone has a great weekend and I'll be back soon.

 

Take Care,
Lisa