Hey Friends,
Well I met my new OB on Friday and really like her. I cried....a lot, but it went really well and hopefully she doesn't think I'm too crazy. :) I'm just kidding, I know she doesn't! I think all of the questions combined with my pre-existing nerves just aligned for me to be a teary-eyed, runny nose mess the whole time. I was able to answer all of her questions and I loved that she really listened to me, my fears, some concerns and what I want next time around. She said I didn't need another check until next November, but I told her of my plan to be pregnant within the next year and she said she better see me back here with exciting news before next November then! This put me at ease for some reason. Maybe the reality of having another child? Maybe the reassurance that I have found the right doctor for me? Maybe the fact that it was over and all of my emotions that I had been holding in and letting fester until the appointment had arrived were finally out? I honestly think it was just a combination of everything. When I got out of the appointment I sat in my car and cried a little more, composed myself and headed to work.
Chris and I have decided that a spring baby is what we are hoping for....however I don't know if I can wait until June to get pregnant! I want a baby- NOW! Like right now. However, I also know that even if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I still have 9 months to wait. Macie was born in the fall and while I would like to believe the time of year had NOTHING to do with us losing her we aren't sure and they say there is a higher risk for SIDS if you have a fall/winter baby so we are waiting. However, then my mind starts to wonder because I know of other SIDS mom's who have had babies in the spring/summer and they have had the same tragedy in their lives that we have had. So I guess there really is no "right" time, but only when it feels "right" to us.
It doesn't matter how much time has passed some days are just a lot harder than others. For some reason today was REALLY hard on me. Harder than a "normal" day. Today I feel like it was yesterday. My heart is broken and I have fought back bawling all day. For some reason when I got home I wanted to try to figure out why today was so hard, yes it is Tuesday but I have come to terms with the fact that Tuesdays come around every 7 days whether I like it or not. No it isn't the 6th or 25th. Then it finally dawned on me...maybe my heart is hurting because a year ago today it was the start of my last week of maternity leave. It was the last week of it being just Macie and I all day and all night, together 24/7. In a few short days I was heading back to work. I remember dreading it because I didn't want to leave her, ever. Now I look back and wonder why I went back to work? Why didn't I take 12 weeks of maternity leave? If I would have would she still be here? Would I not have to know what this feels like? While I can sit here and say woulda, coulda, shoulda...it doesn't change reality. But I am also human and sit and wonder a lot.
I was wondering how long it had been for sure today so I googled Jan 25th to Nov15th + time passed... this is what it said: 9 months, 3 weeks = 294 days = 7,056 hours = 423,360 minutes = 25,401,600 seconds. Feels like eternity + a day to me.
Hopefully tomorrow I am able to cope a little more.
Take Care,
Lisa
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Chowdah!
Hey Friends,
This post is about one of my favorite topics, FOOD!
My mom signed me up for the Rachel Ray e-mail at some point and I get a new 30-minute meal recipe each morning. I know I have been getting these e-mails for a long time, but I’m not sure exactly how long it has been now. This morning when I opened my e-mail I saw the picture below and my mouth started watering it sounded so good! Granted I had my Cherry Cheesecake Visuals shake sitting next to me on my desk that I hadn’t started drinking yet so maybe I was just starving, but how great does Corn Chowdah Mac ‘n’ Cheese sound? I absolutely LOVE comfort food and especially when it is cold outside. I don’t know where you are located, but here in Lee’s Summit (suburb of KC) it is starting to get REALLY cold so this is the perfect fall dish for our home.
I love to cook and experiment and my husband will always attempt to eat anything I make (oh one of the many reasons why I love him!). Granted 98% of the time it is good, but there has been that meal or two that I wouldn’t feed to a stray dog it turned out so bad (still have no idea what I did to ruin it either, oops!). So at some point this weekend I’m going to try this recipe and I will let you know how it turns out. I have posted the recipe and picture below if you would like to try it.
I know this is different from my other posts, but it is time y'all get to know the other side of this girl behind the computer.
Ingredients:
- Salt and black pepper
- 1 lb. mezzi rigatoni, penne rigate or cavatappi pasta
- 4 ears corn, husked
- EVOO, for drizzling
- 1/4 lb. bacon, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
- 1 baking potato, peeled and diced into 1/4- to 1/2-inch pieces
- 1/2 tbsp. Old Bay Seasoning (half a palmful)
- 2 stalks celery, chopped
- 1 red chile pepper, such as fresno, seeded and chopped
- 1 small red bell pepper, chopped into 1/4-inch cubes
- 1 small red onion, finely chopped
- 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
- A few sprigs thyme, chopped
- 3 tbsp. butter
- 2 tbsp. flour
- 2 cups whole milk
- 1 tsp. dry mustard
- About 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper
- Few grates fresh nutmeg
- 1 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese
- 1 1/2 cups shredded sharp yellow cheddar cheese
Directions:
- Bring a large pot of water to a boil, salt it, add the pasta and cook to al dente. Drain and return to the pot.
While the pasta is working, position a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat the broiler. Place a small bowl upside down in a large bowl. Stand each ear of corn on the small bowl and scrape down the kernels. - Heat a skillet over medium-high heat. Add a drizzle of EVOO and the bacon and cook until crisp. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the bacon to a paper-towel-lined plate.
- Add the corn, potato and Old Bay to the bacon drippings in the skillet and brown for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the celery, chile pepper, bell pepper, onion and garlic; season with the thyme, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, 8 to 10 minutes.
- Meanwhile, melt the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Whisk in the flour, then the milk; season with the mustard, cayenne, nutmeg, salt and pepper. Cook until the sauce coats a spoon thickly; lower the heat to low. Stir in the parmigiano-reggiano.
- Add the corn-potato mixture and the white sauce to the pasta in the pot and stir together. Transfer to a casserole or serving dish, top with the cheddar and bacon and broil until brown and bubbly, 3 to 5 minutes. Serve immediately.
Take Care,
Lisa
Sunday, October 16, 2011
A Sign
Hey Friends,
Well this past week I decided it was time to schedule an appointment with my OB for the lovely female yearly check and to discuss baby #2, whether it is 10 months or 5 years from now I'm ready to discuss. However, when I called the office to schedule an appointment I found out that my OB was no longer there. I instantly could feel myself start to panic. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum and say, "WHAT!?!?! What do you mean they aren't there! I need my OB to be there!" instead I just kept my calm and said thank you and hung up. So I got on my insurance plan website found another OB that is considered in-network, has great ratings and is close to me. I called and scheduled my appointment and the first available appointment she has is Nov. 11th so that is a good sign to me that she must be good that I have to wait! And 11-11-11 is suppose to be a lucky day so maybe the stars will align and it'll go perfectly and she will be everything I could want in an OB. I'm nervous though. She doesn't know anything about me or Macie so I will have to start at the beginning and tell my story. I know I'll cry and I'm praying she is understanding. They are sending me a form to sign so I can have my medical record sent over so that will help, hopefully?!?!
I have been thinking of baby names in my head a lot recently which is something I started doing before I became pregnant with Macie. Maybe it's a sign, I guess we will see. So far the names that I have thought of and like a lot are Layla Marie or Layla Ann for a girl and Wyatt Christopher, Wyatt Alan, Wyatt Thomas, or Beau Thomas for a boy. Why do I already have baby names picked out when I'm not pregnant and am just starting to think about the possibility of it? Good question I guess that is just the OCD in me. I also based the names off of what sounded best with Macie. Macie and Layla, Macie and Wyatt or Macie and Beau...I think they all have a nice ring to them. :)
With starting to think practically about baby #2 these past few weeks the fear has also started to appear. When I think of baby names I am happy and think it's time to try again, but then I think of Macie and the reality and pain set in and then I think I can't do this again out of fear the same outcome will happen. So I guess I'm really not sure when or where the path will take me, but hopefully after talking to the new OB Nov. 11th I'll calm down a little!
Hope y'all had a nice weekend with this great fall weather!
Take Care,
Lisa
Well this past week I decided it was time to schedule an appointment with my OB for the lovely female yearly check and to discuss baby #2, whether it is 10 months or 5 years from now I'm ready to discuss. However, when I called the office to schedule an appointment I found out that my OB was no longer there. I instantly could feel myself start to panic. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum and say, "WHAT!?!?! What do you mean they aren't there! I need my OB to be there!" instead I just kept my calm and said thank you and hung up. So I got on my insurance plan website found another OB that is considered in-network, has great ratings and is close to me. I called and scheduled my appointment and the first available appointment she has is Nov. 11th so that is a good sign to me that she must be good that I have to wait! And 11-11-11 is suppose to be a lucky day so maybe the stars will align and it'll go perfectly and she will be everything I could want in an OB. I'm nervous though. She doesn't know anything about me or Macie so I will have to start at the beginning and tell my story. I know I'll cry and I'm praying she is understanding. They are sending me a form to sign so I can have my medical record sent over so that will help, hopefully?!?!
I have been thinking of baby names in my head a lot recently which is something I started doing before I became pregnant with Macie. Maybe it's a sign, I guess we will see. So far the names that I have thought of and like a lot are Layla Marie or Layla Ann for a girl and Wyatt Christopher, Wyatt Alan, Wyatt Thomas, or Beau Thomas for a boy. Why do I already have baby names picked out when I'm not pregnant and am just starting to think about the possibility of it? Good question I guess that is just the OCD in me. I also based the names off of what sounded best with Macie. Macie and Layla, Macie and Wyatt or Macie and Beau...I think they all have a nice ring to them. :)
With starting to think practically about baby #2 these past few weeks the fear has also started to appear. When I think of baby names I am happy and think it's time to try again, but then I think of Macie and the reality and pain set in and then I think I can't do this again out of fear the same outcome will happen. So I guess I'm really not sure when or where the path will take me, but hopefully after talking to the new OB Nov. 11th I'll calm down a little!
Hope y'all had a nice weekend with this great fall weather!
Take Care,
Lisa
Monday, October 10, 2011
Newspaper
Hey Friends,
The St. Louis dispatch is doing a "Deadly Daycare Series". Macie is mentioned and I am quoted in the first article Children die as dangers are ignored. There will be more articles later today and tomorrow so I will update this blog post as the links become available. I have more to say about this, but I do not have the time to write right now.
1. Children die as dangers are ignored **Macie**
Has anyone heard of daycare.com? This nannyde who calls herself "The Daycare Whisperer" decided to write a blog and focus on Macie's death. Daycare And SIDS/Sleep Deaths Article *Child Deaths Mentioned* I don't know how I feel about this.
2. Safe sleep for Infants
3. Choosing child care in Missouri
4. Prosecutors face legal limits on punishing illegal day care operators
5. They skirted the rules and 8 babies died
Take Care,
Lisa
The St. Louis dispatch is doing a "Deadly Daycare Series". Macie is mentioned and I am quoted in the first article Children die as dangers are ignored. There will be more articles later today and tomorrow so I will update this blog post as the links become available. I have more to say about this, but I do not have the time to write right now.
1. Children die as dangers are ignored **Macie**
Has anyone heard of daycare.com? This nannyde who calls herself "The Daycare Whisperer" decided to write a blog and focus on Macie's death. Daycare And SIDS/Sleep Deaths Article *Child Deaths Mentioned* I don't know how I feel about this.
2. Safe sleep for Infants
3. Choosing child care in Missouri
4. Prosecutors face legal limits on punishing illegal day care operators
5. They skirted the rules and 8 babies died
Take Care,
Lisa
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Reminders & Strangers
Hey Friends,
Well in case I was comatose and didn't realize Macie's birthday was this Thursday the mail isn't helping. I have gotten a lot of 1st birthday coupons, magazines and post cards from different baby places saying Happy Birthday! Ugh. This hurts. So this morning when I was going through a big stack of mail and came across another reminder I acted how any angel baby mom would (maybe?). I got angry tore it in half shoved it into my trash can and sat on my kitchen floor and bawled my eyes out. This hurts. I thought the saying goes "time heals"....well there is no healing for this Mother yet. But maybe that phrase doesn't apply when you are dealing with the loss of a child. I definitely don't have the answers, but I do search for them. I want/need to know why. I know this probably sounds cliche, but why me? She was my world and now my world is destroyed and will never be the same. I hate my reality, but I am living it. Just because part of me died the day Macie got her angel wings 8 months ago doesn't mean time has stopped. Time definitely hasn't stopped...Macie's 1st birthday is this Thursday. A day I have been dreading. Chris and I will be there facing the day hand in hand. Helping each other push through, trying to accept and survive another horrible milestone.
Random-so I'm sitting in Starbucks and I had my blog pulled up to read some of your comments, Thank you by the way. Your comments help me a ton so please keep commenting! Any ways, a lady walked by me and said that is a great blog my heart goes out to that mother. Without thinking twice I looked up said Thank You and just went on about reading. She got her coffee and came back and sat at my table with tears in her eyes. She didn't realize it was me until I said thank you. (I have no make-up on, my hair up and glasses on, but I don't think I look that different-however I must!) She told me I am an inspiration and help her (who....me?), she also told me that she prays for Macie, me and my husband all the time and loves reading my blog. I thanked her and she left. She wanted to stay and talk for awhile but was in a hurry. Now that I'm sitting here processing this it seems surreal to me. She doesn't know me. If Macie wouldn't have gotten her angel wings she probably never would have known I existed. How did she find me? And I'm helping a complete stranger? Wow. Thank you for stopping and talking to me- I needed to hear what you said.
Take Care,
Lisa
Well in case I was comatose and didn't realize Macie's birthday was this Thursday the mail isn't helping. I have gotten a lot of 1st birthday coupons, magazines and post cards from different baby places saying Happy Birthday! Ugh. This hurts. So this morning when I was going through a big stack of mail and came across another reminder I acted how any angel baby mom would (maybe?). I got angry tore it in half shoved it into my trash can and sat on my kitchen floor and bawled my eyes out. This hurts. I thought the saying goes "time heals"....well there is no healing for this Mother yet. But maybe that phrase doesn't apply when you are dealing with the loss of a child. I definitely don't have the answers, but I do search for them. I want/need to know why. I know this probably sounds cliche, but why me? She was my world and now my world is destroyed and will never be the same. I hate my reality, but I am living it. Just because part of me died the day Macie got her angel wings 8 months ago doesn't mean time has stopped. Time definitely hasn't stopped...Macie's 1st birthday is this Thursday. A day I have been dreading. Chris and I will be there facing the day hand in hand. Helping each other push through, trying to accept and survive another horrible milestone.
Random-so I'm sitting in Starbucks and I had my blog pulled up to read some of your comments, Thank you by the way. Your comments help me a ton so please keep commenting! Any ways, a lady walked by me and said that is a great blog my heart goes out to that mother. Without thinking twice I looked up said Thank You and just went on about reading. She got her coffee and came back and sat at my table with tears in her eyes. She didn't realize it was me until I said thank you. (I have no make-up on, my hair up and glasses on, but I don't think I look that different-however I must!) She told me I am an inspiration and help her (who....me?), she also told me that she prays for Macie, me and my husband all the time and loves reading my blog. I thanked her and she left. She wanted to stay and talk for awhile but was in a hurry. Now that I'm sitting here processing this it seems surreal to me. She doesn't know me. If Macie wouldn't have gotten her angel wings she probably never would have known I existed. How did she find me? And I'm helping a complete stranger? Wow. Thank you for stopping and talking to me- I needed to hear what you said.
Take Care,
Lisa
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Closer
Hey Friends,
The closer it is getting to Macie's first birthday the harder my days are getting, but none of the past 8 months of my life have been easy. Maybe the daze I have been walking around in is started to diminish, maybe the strength I tried to have is fading, maybe it is because it is the 25th and a Sunday which are both hard days for me, maybe it is just because I'm heart broken and celebrating her birthday without her here is enough to kill me. I may not have the answer, but I feel the pain. And with her first birthday approaching I know from October 6th-January 25th I will sit and think....."a year ago today I was doing this with Macie...."
To celebrate Macie's first birthday we have decided to do a balloon release with close friends and family in the church parking lot where her funeral took place. I know this probably isn't the best way to explain it, but I'm at a lack of words- this sucks. I hate that she isn't here and we have to celebrate her life with a balloon release rather than gathering around watching her eat cake and everything else you do at a 1st birthday party. I know I will survive it just like I have somehow managed to survive the past 8 months, but it hurts.
I went to a get together this past week with other SIDS mom's in KC. It was probably the best thing I have done. Being able to share my story and listen to other's stories helped me. I have known that I am not the only one, but seeing them in person and talking with them made me realize how much I am not alone. I hate that I know them because of this, but thankful they are here and we can be there for each other. It also made me realize that I'm not the only one that thinks people are crazy when they say certain things to a SIDS mom. I'm not the only one who cringes when someone walks up to you and just starts talking about their baby. Yes I want to be treated normal and don't want people walking on egg shells around me, but hearing about another child's milestones that Macie will never hit still hurts. Maybe someday when Chris and I decide to have another baby this won't hurt so bad, but right now it does. I don't know when we will all get together again, but I am looking forward to it because being around the other mom's helps me.
Until next time.
Take Care,
Lisa
The closer it is getting to Macie's first birthday the harder my days are getting, but none of the past 8 months of my life have been easy. Maybe the daze I have been walking around in is started to diminish, maybe the strength I tried to have is fading, maybe it is because it is the 25th and a Sunday which are both hard days for me, maybe it is just because I'm heart broken and celebrating her birthday without her here is enough to kill me. I may not have the answer, but I feel the pain. And with her first birthday approaching I know from October 6th-January 25th I will sit and think....."a year ago today I was doing this with Macie...."
To celebrate Macie's first birthday we have decided to do a balloon release with close friends and family in the church parking lot where her funeral took place. I know this probably isn't the best way to explain it, but I'm at a lack of words- this sucks. I hate that she isn't here and we have to celebrate her life with a balloon release rather than gathering around watching her eat cake and everything else you do at a 1st birthday party. I know I will survive it just like I have somehow managed to survive the past 8 months, but it hurts.
I went to a get together this past week with other SIDS mom's in KC. It was probably the best thing I have done. Being able to share my story and listen to other's stories helped me. I have known that I am not the only one, but seeing them in person and talking with them made me realize how much I am not alone. I hate that I know them because of this, but thankful they are here and we can be there for each other. It also made me realize that I'm not the only one that thinks people are crazy when they say certain things to a SIDS mom. I'm not the only one who cringes when someone walks up to you and just starts talking about their baby. Yes I want to be treated normal and don't want people walking on egg shells around me, but hearing about another child's milestones that Macie will never hit still hurts. Maybe someday when Chris and I decide to have another baby this won't hurt so bad, but right now it does. I don't know when we will all get together again, but I am looking forward to it because being around the other mom's helps me.
Until next time.
Take Care,
Lisa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)