Hey Friends,
You can read the acknowledgement of the book that I have been asked to write. Will I finish this, I don't know. But I have been asked to write it so I just might!
Summary
If you are reading this then it is for one of two things, either you know me or my husband or you have lost a child. If you know us then we are eternally grateful for your love and support. If you have lost a child then let me start by saying I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that you know this pain, that you have to experience life without your baby. Is it fair? In my opinion-No. Plain and simple.
If you were chosen to be an angel mom or dad then life as you know it is forever shattered. Is there a happy ending? Maybe. I can tell you that I do not have the answers on how your life will be. This book is about life as I have known it for the past year. Will your journey be the same as mine? Maybe and maybe not. Each journey is different just like every child is different. There may be some differences or some similarities, but the point is to share my journey with you. My journey through the good, the bad, the ugly and the coping. Day 1 I had no idea how I was ever going to go on. I remember saying, "I have nothing left to live for" and it's a true statement and one that you may be feeling. When you lose a child you feel like your journey is over and there is nothing left. You have given it your all and everything you had you gave to your child and there is nothing left in you. Unfortunately, I may not have the answers you have been seeking, but I will break down each month for you and what it was like for me being an angel mom for the first year.
Take Care,
Lisa
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Angelversary
Hey Friends,
Well here we are, here it is...the worse day a year later. We went to Nebraska and spent our daughter's 1st angelversary with our family. We didn't have a set plan, but it turned out exactly the way it was suppose to and exactly how we needed it to be. We were showered with love and prayers from all over- thank you! And we had our family close by to lean on. As I sit at home tonight I can't help but remember what I was doing exactly a year ago today at this time and that is how my day started and how it will end. I'm sure the next week will be just as hard as today with the memories of following her to Nebraska, planning her funeral, seeing her in the casket for the first time, the viewing, the funeral, the burial and everything in between.
Chris and I cannot begin to thank each of you enough for all that you have done for us this past year. We truly appreciate it!!
Today hurts. Today marks only the first year I have survived life without my daughter and I'm not sure how many more of these there will be...30, 40, 50? When I think of it long term I have to stop because I know how bad the pain and 1 year hurts and the thought of 50 more is like a dagger being shot into my heart. I'm sorry, but tonight all there is to write about is the pain and the grief. It hurts, so badly.
Today we went to the cemetery with our family. It was the first time that we went to Macie's spot with anyone besides ourselves. It was so nice to have them there with us. They left and Chris and I stayed for a few minutes longer and cried, talked about how long it had been, and that we are ready to be parents again. When we will start that journey I'm not sure. But step #1 we are both ready or as ready as we can be I guess which is a big step for us.
When we go to Macie's spot there is a figurine there that means a lot to me. I have posted it above along with the poem that is associated with it below. I love that it is there, right next to her headstone and that is where it will sit forever.
When God Calls Little Children
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child, Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold, so He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few, To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, show how we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children...Angels are hard to find.
Thank you again & Take Care,
Lisa
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Birthday & 1 Year
Hey Friends,
Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.
I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.
I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.
There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....
This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.
I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.
Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper
Take Care,
Lisa
Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.
I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.
I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.
There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....
This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.
I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.
Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper
Take Care,
Lisa
Holidays
Hey Friends,
I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...
Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.
Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!
A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...
Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.
I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.
Take Care,
Lisa
I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...
Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.
Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!
A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...
Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.
I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.
Take Care,
Lisa
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
OB + Why Today?
Hey Friends,
Well I met my new OB on Friday and really like her. I cried....a lot, but it went really well and hopefully she doesn't think I'm too crazy. :) I'm just kidding, I know she doesn't! I think all of the questions combined with my pre-existing nerves just aligned for me to be a teary-eyed, runny nose mess the whole time. I was able to answer all of her questions and I loved that she really listened to me, my fears, some concerns and what I want next time around. She said I didn't need another check until next November, but I told her of my plan to be pregnant within the next year and she said she better see me back here with exciting news before next November then! This put me at ease for some reason. Maybe the reality of having another child? Maybe the reassurance that I have found the right doctor for me? Maybe the fact that it was over and all of my emotions that I had been holding in and letting fester until the appointment had arrived were finally out? I honestly think it was just a combination of everything. When I got out of the appointment I sat in my car and cried a little more, composed myself and headed to work.
Chris and I have decided that a spring baby is what we are hoping for....however I don't know if I can wait until June to get pregnant! I want a baby- NOW! Like right now. However, I also know that even if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I still have 9 months to wait. Macie was born in the fall and while I would like to believe the time of year had NOTHING to do with us losing her we aren't sure and they say there is a higher risk for SIDS if you have a fall/winter baby so we are waiting. However, then my mind starts to wonder because I know of other SIDS mom's who have had babies in the spring/summer and they have had the same tragedy in their lives that we have had. So I guess there really is no "right" time, but only when it feels "right" to us.
It doesn't matter how much time has passed some days are just a lot harder than others. For some reason today was REALLY hard on me. Harder than a "normal" day. Today I feel like it was yesterday. My heart is broken and I have fought back bawling all day. For some reason when I got home I wanted to try to figure out why today was so hard, yes it is Tuesday but I have come to terms with the fact that Tuesdays come around every 7 days whether I like it or not. No it isn't the 6th or 25th. Then it finally dawned on me...maybe my heart is hurting because a year ago today it was the start of my last week of maternity leave. It was the last week of it being just Macie and I all day and all night, together 24/7. In a few short days I was heading back to work. I remember dreading it because I didn't want to leave her, ever. Now I look back and wonder why I went back to work? Why didn't I take 12 weeks of maternity leave? If I would have would she still be here? Would I not have to know what this feels like? While I can sit here and say woulda, coulda, shoulda...it doesn't change reality. But I am also human and sit and wonder a lot.
I was wondering how long it had been for sure today so I googled Jan 25th to Nov15th + time passed... this is what it said: 9 months, 3 weeks = 294 days = 7,056 hours = 423,360 minutes = 25,401,600 seconds. Feels like eternity + a day to me.
Hopefully tomorrow I am able to cope a little more.
Take Care,
Lisa
Well I met my new OB on Friday and really like her. I cried....a lot, but it went really well and hopefully she doesn't think I'm too crazy. :) I'm just kidding, I know she doesn't! I think all of the questions combined with my pre-existing nerves just aligned for me to be a teary-eyed, runny nose mess the whole time. I was able to answer all of her questions and I loved that she really listened to me, my fears, some concerns and what I want next time around. She said I didn't need another check until next November, but I told her of my plan to be pregnant within the next year and she said she better see me back here with exciting news before next November then! This put me at ease for some reason. Maybe the reality of having another child? Maybe the reassurance that I have found the right doctor for me? Maybe the fact that it was over and all of my emotions that I had been holding in and letting fester until the appointment had arrived were finally out? I honestly think it was just a combination of everything. When I got out of the appointment I sat in my car and cried a little more, composed myself and headed to work.
Chris and I have decided that a spring baby is what we are hoping for....however I don't know if I can wait until June to get pregnant! I want a baby- NOW! Like right now. However, I also know that even if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I still have 9 months to wait. Macie was born in the fall and while I would like to believe the time of year had NOTHING to do with us losing her we aren't sure and they say there is a higher risk for SIDS if you have a fall/winter baby so we are waiting. However, then my mind starts to wonder because I know of other SIDS mom's who have had babies in the spring/summer and they have had the same tragedy in their lives that we have had. So I guess there really is no "right" time, but only when it feels "right" to us.
It doesn't matter how much time has passed some days are just a lot harder than others. For some reason today was REALLY hard on me. Harder than a "normal" day. Today I feel like it was yesterday. My heart is broken and I have fought back bawling all day. For some reason when I got home I wanted to try to figure out why today was so hard, yes it is Tuesday but I have come to terms with the fact that Tuesdays come around every 7 days whether I like it or not. No it isn't the 6th or 25th. Then it finally dawned on me...maybe my heart is hurting because a year ago today it was the start of my last week of maternity leave. It was the last week of it being just Macie and I all day and all night, together 24/7. In a few short days I was heading back to work. I remember dreading it because I didn't want to leave her, ever. Now I look back and wonder why I went back to work? Why didn't I take 12 weeks of maternity leave? If I would have would she still be here? Would I not have to know what this feels like? While I can sit here and say woulda, coulda, shoulda...it doesn't change reality. But I am also human and sit and wonder a lot.
I was wondering how long it had been for sure today so I googled Jan 25th to Nov15th + time passed... this is what it said: 9 months, 3 weeks = 294 days = 7,056 hours = 423,360 minutes = 25,401,600 seconds. Feels like eternity + a day to me.
Hopefully tomorrow I am able to cope a little more.
Take Care,
Lisa
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Chowdah!
Hey Friends,
This post is about one of my favorite topics, FOOD!
My mom signed me up for the Rachel Ray e-mail at some point and I get a new 30-minute meal recipe each morning. I know I have been getting these e-mails for a long time, but I’m not sure exactly how long it has been now. This morning when I opened my e-mail I saw the picture below and my mouth started watering it sounded so good! Granted I had my Cherry Cheesecake Visuals shake sitting next to me on my desk that I hadn’t started drinking yet so maybe I was just starving, but how great does Corn Chowdah Mac ‘n’ Cheese sound? I absolutely LOVE comfort food and especially when it is cold outside. I don’t know where you are located, but here in Lee’s Summit (suburb of KC) it is starting to get REALLY cold so this is the perfect fall dish for our home.
I love to cook and experiment and my husband will always attempt to eat anything I make (oh one of the many reasons why I love him!). Granted 98% of the time it is good, but there has been that meal or two that I wouldn’t feed to a stray dog it turned out so bad (still have no idea what I did to ruin it either, oops!). So at some point this weekend I’m going to try this recipe and I will let you know how it turns out. I have posted the recipe and picture below if you would like to try it.
I know this is different from my other posts, but it is time y'all get to know the other side of this girl behind the computer.
Ingredients:
- Salt and black pepper
- 1 lb. mezzi rigatoni, penne rigate or cavatappi pasta
- 4 ears corn, husked
- EVOO, for drizzling
- 1/4 lb. bacon, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
- 1 baking potato, peeled and diced into 1/4- to 1/2-inch pieces
- 1/2 tbsp. Old Bay Seasoning (half a palmful)
- 2 stalks celery, chopped
- 1 red chile pepper, such as fresno, seeded and chopped
- 1 small red bell pepper, chopped into 1/4-inch cubes
- 1 small red onion, finely chopped
- 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
- A few sprigs thyme, chopped
- 3 tbsp. butter
- 2 tbsp. flour
- 2 cups whole milk
- 1 tsp. dry mustard
- About 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper
- Few grates fresh nutmeg
- 1 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese
- 1 1/2 cups shredded sharp yellow cheddar cheese
Directions:
- Bring a large pot of water to a boil, salt it, add the pasta and cook to al dente. Drain and return to the pot.
While the pasta is working, position a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat the broiler. Place a small bowl upside down in a large bowl. Stand each ear of corn on the small bowl and scrape down the kernels. - Heat a skillet over medium-high heat. Add a drizzle of EVOO and the bacon and cook until crisp. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the bacon to a paper-towel-lined plate.
- Add the corn, potato and Old Bay to the bacon drippings in the skillet and brown for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the celery, chile pepper, bell pepper, onion and garlic; season with the thyme, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, 8 to 10 minutes.
- Meanwhile, melt the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Whisk in the flour, then the milk; season with the mustard, cayenne, nutmeg, salt and pepper. Cook until the sauce coats a spoon thickly; lower the heat to low. Stir in the parmigiano-reggiano.
- Add the corn-potato mixture and the white sauce to the pasta in the pot and stir together. Transfer to a casserole or serving dish, top with the cheddar and bacon and broil until brown and bubbly, 3 to 5 minutes. Serve immediately.
Take Care,
Lisa
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