T-Shirts!

Hey Friends,

Here is your chance to get involved! Chris has designed a T-Shirt that will read Macie's Mission on the front in pink letters (shirt will be black) and on the back of the shirt it will have Macie's footprints with angel wings coming off of them on either side. It will have Macie's dates above (10/6/2010-01-25-2011) and below it will read "If Heaven wasn't so far away" all proceeds will go to SIDS Resources. Who wants to get involved? Also, Chris will be finding out tomorrow if they can do children sizes but I'm assuming they can. :)

 

You can either comment on this post or shoot me an e-mail at lisa.mieras.barton@gmail.com if you are interested in ordering a T-Shirt. I should have more details shortly!

 

Take Care,

Lisa

It's been awhile...

Hey Friends,

I know it has been a long time since I have written, but I haven't had a lot to say. I have also been writing my book. The pain is still present, I miss her more that I can ever describe and somehow I keep surviving each day. I can't help but wonder what she would be like now. She should be 18 months old on Friday. She would be walking and talking and into girly things. All things I want but can never have. All things that I long for and someday hope to have with another child. It may not be the same, but I know I will love them just the same.

A month ago Chris and I went on a much needed vacation. We went to Mexico with his two best friends and their wives. While we met through our husbands I consider these two girls great friends. One night while we were there we went out to the beach so I could write Macie's name in the sand. I know most of you are friends with me on facebook and have seen the pictures, but for those of you who aren't I will post pictures soon. When I wrote her name in the sand and took pictures under the moonlight it looked like it was glowing. I loved it. I know it was emotional for everyone. While I know it is ok to cry and break down, especially with our close friends, I once again waiting until I was back in our room by ourselves. I don't know why I am this way, but I have been since the beginning. The only person I really let see me break down is Chris and most of the time I will wait until I am completely alone before any tears start. However, we had a great time on our trip!! I know most people thought we would get pregnant on our vacation, but we did not. I don't know when our next chapter will begin with a baby, but I promise to keep you all informed of when it does happen. I think I am ready so it might be sooner rather than later.

As I looked at the calendar today and realized it was April 3rd it dawned on me that I met my husband for the first time 6 years ago tomorrow. Wow time flies! While nobody's life is perfect, we have gone through more than any one couple should ever have to go through. But through it all we are still by each other's side just as we have been from the very beginning and stronger than ever. Meeting him was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The day we had Macie was the happiest day of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. With tomorrow being the 4th it brings my mind to May 5th, the day we decided to "officially" start dating back in 2006. We picked up my best friend Jenny who kept saying Cinco De Mayo! Only instead of pronouncing it like you should she was pronouncing Mayo like the sandwhich spread. It is a memory I will cherish forever as we laughed all night and Chris and I still joke about her saying that to this day.

I'm sorry I don't have more to say, but I wanted to fill you in a little bit with what has been going on. Nothing too exciting as you can see. I hope everyone has a happy Easter!

Take Care,
Lisa

Twitter

Hey Friends,

Well I did it! I finally got twitter. I'm not sure what the lingo is, but my username is: lisamaciebarton so if you have twitter add/follow me because I'm not sure how this whole thing works yet!

Take Care,
Lisa

Spring for SIDS

Hey Friends,

Well it is that time of year again! Spring for SIDS is April 20, 2012 this year!!

To raise money for SIDS in Team M's name we are doing an auction on Facebook! Please go 'like' our page: Team M Auction Page and if you would like to donate any items please e-mail teammdonations@gmail.com with a picture of your item, the starting bid and if shipping is additional or included. The auction will be February 11-15th so make sure to check it out and bid!! Last year we had over 200 items and this year we have 25 items so far. We want it to be a huge success again this year and any items would be greatly appreciated!!

Our Team M page is up for online donations and you can get there by clicking :Team M!

Here is our photo thanks to April Grimes!

Thank you for your help!
Lisa

Summary

Hey Friends,

You can read the acknowledgement of the book that I have been asked to write. Will  I finish this, I don't know. But I have been asked to write it so I just might!

Summary
If you are reading this then it is for one of two things, either you know me or my husband or you have lost a child. If you know us then we are eternally grateful for your love and support. If you have lost a child then let me start by saying I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that you know this pain, that you have to experience life without your baby. Is it fair? In my opinion-No. Plain and simple.

If you were chosen to be an angel mom or dad then life as you know it is forever shattered. Is there a happy ending? Maybe. I can tell you that I do not have the answers on how your life will be. This book is about life as I have known it for the past year. Will your journey be the same as mine? Maybe and maybe not. Each journey is different just like every child is different. There may be some differences or some similarities, but the point is to share my journey with you. My journey through the good, the bad, the ugly and the coping. Day 1 I had no idea how I was ever going to go on. I remember saying, "I have nothing left to live for" and it's a true statement and one that you may be feeling. When you lose a child you feel like your journey is over and there is nothing left. You have given it your all and everything you had you gave to your child and there is nothing left in you. Unfortunately, I may not have the answers you have been seeking, but I will break down each month for you and what it was like for me being an angel mom for the first year.

Take Care,
Lisa

Angelversary

Hey Friends,

Well here we are, here it is...the worse day a year later. We went to Nebraska and spent our daughter's 1st angelversary with our family. We didn't have a set plan, but it turned out exactly the way it was suppose to and exactly how we needed it to be. We were showered with love and prayers from all over- thank you! And we had our family close by to lean on. As I sit at home tonight I can't help but remember what I was doing exactly a year ago today at this time and that is how my day started and how it will end. I'm sure the next week will be just as hard as today with the memories of following her to Nebraska, planning her funeral, seeing her in the casket for the first time, the viewing, the funeral, the burial and everything in between.  

Chris and I cannot begin to thank each of you enough for all that you have done for us this past year. We truly appreciate it!! 

Today hurts. Today marks only the first year I have survived life without my daughter and I'm not sure how many more of these there will be...30, 40, 50? When I think of it long term I have to stop because I know how bad the pain and 1 year hurts and the thought of 50 more is like a dagger being shot into my heart. I'm sorry, but tonight all there is to write about is the pain and the grief. It hurts, so badly.

Today we went to the cemetery with our family. It was the first time that we went to Macie's spot with anyone besides ourselves. It was so nice to have them there with us. They left and Chris and I stayed for a few minutes longer and cried, talked about how long it had been,  and that we are ready to be parents again. When we will start that journey I'm not sure. But step #1 we are both ready or as ready as we can be I guess which is a big step for us. 

When we go to Macie's spot there is a figurine there that means a lot to me. I have posted it above along with the poem that is associated with it below. I love that it is there, right next to her headstone and that is where it will sit forever. 

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love.

For no heartache compares with the death of one small child, Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold, so He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few, To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still, show how we must try,

The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."

So when a little child departs, we who are left behind

Must realize God loves children...Angels are hard to find.

Thank you again & Take Care,

Lisa

Birthday & 1 Year

Hey Friends,

Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.

I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.

I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.

There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....

This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental.  It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.

I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.

Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper

Take Care,
Lisa