Driving to work I saw a girl in a car like Jenny used to
drive car dancing. Since Jenny and I did this on so many occasions, ok lets be
honest every time we were driving we were blaring Justin Timberlake and car
dancing. I miss her every day, but some days are harder. Some days I’m sad and
other days I’m angry and yet for some miraculous reason other days I can accept
that I can’t pick up the phone and call my best friend. She’s gone and I miss
her, all of her. While it made me smile at the memory it hurt my heart and made
me want to bawl my eyes out. I can’t listen to Justin Timberlake without picturing
her dancing next to me. So today is a
day where it is Grief-1, Lisa-0.
Here are a few picture's of Jenny and I dancing like we always did. :)
Well tomorrow marks 3 years. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t
seem possible or real life that it’s been 3 years since I saw Macie, held her,
loved on her, recorded her cooing, ran into my best friends office yelling
Macie was unresponsive and rushed to the hospital after the police called me. It's been 3 years since my nightmare. One
thing that helps my heart is knowing that I am now one more January 25th
closer to seeing her again. It’s all about baby steps. The days I really
struggle are the days when I feel like I’m forgetting things about her. I could
watch her videos or look at pictures, but that’ll make the tears start and I’m
not always at a place where it is ok to cry. Other days I’m ok and the days I’m
not I take it hour by hour and give myself pep talks about being strong and
making it through.
The grief roller coaster is a wave of emotions. I never
know when it’s going to hit, but when it does I get angry, I feel horrible pain
and discouragement, I feel like a failure, I forget how to smile, I sleep too
much or too little, I don't want to go out in public, but I miss seeing my
friends, I don’t want to do anything, I am sad deep inside where it hurts my
heart, I cry at strangely unexpected times, my hair turns gray overnight or
starts falling out in the shower, I often think I’m crazy, my body aches and
has all kinds of pain, I say things I wish I didn't. I’m far from perfect and I
may not deal with it correctly, but I’m dealing with it the best that I can. The grief from child loss is
not an illness or contagious. It can’t
be passed from person to person, but sometimes I feel like wearing a banner to
let others know that it’s ok to talk to me about my daughter. If I cry it’s
more than likely because I’m happy you brought her up without me having to. The
isolation and loneliness of losing a child is sometimes unbearable honestly. And
even though I know that death is supposed to be final, it’s not with child
loss. She lives in me, through me, with me, and because of me forever and
always.
Tomorrow
is a day when I know the grief will hit. I will want to lock myself in a room and
be by myself and sleep for 24 hours straight to avoid it. I won’t do that, but
doesn’t that sound nice? I think so too. I know I’ll go to the cemetery and
then I don’t know. I guess I’ll just see where the day takes me. I already know
that I will hear from a lot of you and for that I am sincerely grateful. I love
receiving kind words and messages showing your support and trying to give me
strength. It truly means the world to me.
A
good friend of mine posted this video a few weeks ago. It took me awhile to
watch it because I knew it was going to make me cry and it did. I’m so thankful
I watched it though. I can’t always put into words what this hole feels like
that was left in my heart, but this mom explains grief and what I’m going
through with pure accuracy.
When picking songs for Macie’s funeral I had no idea where to begin. A girl that I worked with at the time sent me the song Held by Natalie Grant. It’s a song that I have found strength in and tomorrow is definitely a day where I will need to be “held”.
So I know most of you know by now that we are moving back to
Omaha, but most of you are wondering “why” I’m sure. First off- I’m not
pregnant. I know many are you were hopeful that was the reason. The truth is
that it is way overdue. We are both from the Omaha area (me-Millard,
Chris-Plattsmouth), we laid our daughters body to rest in Nebraska because we
always knew that one day we would return and it’s just time to go home. While I have loved every minute I
have spent in KC and especially Lees Summit I know it’s time to close the book
to this chapter of our lives and open the next chapter and I can’t wait to see
what it has in store for us.
With that being said we have been down here for almost 6
years and have made some unforgettable friendships that we will treasure. I
opened up and let someone in for the first time since Jenny passed and we have
become best friends and even though we will now be 3 hours away I know it’s a
friendship that isn’t going to go anywhere and I am truly going to miss living
so close to her. We have already made some tentative date arranges for me to
come here and her to come up to see me so I think we will be ok it’s just going
to be REALLY weird at first and I’m going to miss her SO much! I see a lot of
tears in my future between now and then- I hate saying goodbye!! Actually
everything about living in Omaha is going to be weird at first. I haven’t lived
in Omaha for 6 years. I haven’t been close to my family to be able to hang out
with them on a Tuesday night for example in 6 years! That’s so crazy to me. I
will be able to see and hang out with my friends that live in Omaha and the
best part is that it doesn’t have to be scheduled so far in advance to ensure I
can come back from KC that weekend. I’m SO excited!
When we first had the idea to move back to Omaha my goal was
by July 1st, honestly I thought this was a ridiculously short amount
of time to get everything done and be moved up there. Well apparently that was
the target I needed because we will be officially moving up there next week! I
can’t believe how fast the time is going by. While I’m excited for the next
chapter it is a little sad to be leaving, I mean I have been at my job in Lees
Summit for 5 ½ years now. They were really good to me & my family when
Macie passed away and I won’t forget it. I have heard horror stories from other
SIDS parents about what their employers did or the fact that they expected them
back at work 1 week later and I truly know how fortunate I am to have worked at
a family oriented company during that time.
That’s all I have for now and I hope everyone is having a
great summer so far.
Hey Friends,
I know it's been awhile and honestly it's been too long...
Well Christmas is approaching...will it ever get easier? At the moment I'm convinced the answer is and will always be no. Christmas was always my favorite time of year, my parents made a big deal about it and I loved it. I loved our traditions and wanted to continue them on. I loved looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate and pretty much everything Christmas. Now I hate Christmas and simply because it's painful. I'm reminded of all of the what ifs and what should have been. We should be decorating our tree with our 2 year old daughter and not just the 2 of us. We should be driving around and looking at Christmas lights and driving by the houses that Macie likes a million times. I'm just struggling today. Struggling to keep it together and to accept the reality that is my life. I don't get to know what anything would be like with Macie. I don't get to know what she would be into this year or what the big gift would be that she would love. I have a lot of friends that have children around Macie's age and every time they tell me about their kids I love it, but I always wonder if she would be into the same thing. I know I sound like a downer and I'm sorry, but tonight it's hard and the reality is setting in that Christmas is fast approaching and it simply hurts. However, with as much as it hurts I know Christmas cannot be over looked and come Christmas I will put on my brave face and smile just as I did last year and try to push the pain down so no one notices how much I'm crying on the inside. I miss my daughter and I know that no force in this world can bring her back and reality hurts. I have heard the phrase that times heals. Well whoever came up with that phrase doesn't know what it's like to lose a child. Maybe they do, but tonight I feel like they don't as it doesn't matter how much time passes some days it still feels like yesterday.
Tonight Chris and I were supposed to go to the SIDS candle lighting like we did last year. We were planning on going. When it came time to go the emotions came and I couldn't bring myself to go light a candle. I couldn't get over the fact that it's so unfair and the tears wouldn't stop. Maybe it would have helped, but I honestly felt like tonight it would have made it worse rather than better.
I try not to sound negative and I'm sorry that this post is very negative and a lot of emotions. I have had a very heavy heart lately and my blog is my outlet where I can share my emotions. A little while ago I watched all of Macie's videos. I normally don't watch them because it rips at my heart. The first one brought a smile to my face. She was such a happy and pretty baby. I should have stopped there, but I kept going until I watched all of them and I think that is what made all of my emotions come to surface. Most of the time I keep it together, but every once in awhile there is that day that just gets me (The grief rollercoaster is real, I swear!). And maybe today is just harder than most because I looked at the date and know that it is the day she was 2 months old and I remember the day 2 years ago. I don't know why, but I can remember dates and what happened very well.
With all of my emotions I do hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas. Maybe in a few days I will feel in the Christmas spirit and maybe today is just a "bad" day.
For some reason Jenny has been even heavier on my heart than normal. Maybe it's because in 6 days it will mark the 2 year anniversary of her passing away. Maybe it's because our 10 year class reunion is this weekend and I can't imagine going without her. Maybe it's because "Cryin' for me" by Tobey Keith has been on the radio a lot this week. Or maybe I just simply miss my best friend. She is one person I really could use right about now! I think about Jenny every day and constantly wonder why her. Why take one of the best people in the world. I don't understand the point, but I guess I wasn't suppose to. I started listening to Tobey Keith's song after Jenny died and it still brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it even 2 years later. She isn't the kind of friend that you just find- she was special. She will forever be special to me and hold a special place in my heart. No one can ever replace Jenny or the friendship we had. I don't have much tonight just have a heavy heart and missing my friend.
Well I finally did it. I completed Macie's memory book. Was it hard? Yes. Did I cry and constantly wonder, what if? Yes, but that is my new "norm" now. I love that it is done and I know it is something I will enjoy daily. I feel horrible it took me so long to do and it is something I always wanted, but I guess I just wasn't ready until now. I actually wasn't even sure if I was going to complete it this time around. The post below this has a link that will take you to the book I created if you would like to view it. Once I receive mine and realize it turned out ok (I have never used shutterfly before) then I'm going to order one for my mom and Chris' mom, I think they will enjoy them as much as me!
I know I am not on here as often as I should be, but I was starting to feel like a broken record. Life still isn't easy, but somehow 15 months later I'm still surviving. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. How? Some days I have no idea. But at this point I consider myself a survivor. I have survived burrying my only child. I have survived by being able to carry on and find a new normal. Whatever you may consider normal that is. No matter how much I try to survive this I still have questions that will forever wonder around in my head...I wonder what she is doing, is she with Jenny?, what she looks like, what her voice would have sounded like, if she would have had hair yet, can she see me? As much as I know there isn't a force in this world that can bring her back some days it's hard to fathem that I will never see her again on this earth.
Macie passing isn't a topic I like discussing in a lot of detail. I will every once in awhile and mostly only with Chris and when I start to feel myself get emotional I shut down and change the subject. This past Saturday I was hanging out with one of my really good friends and discussed the day Macie passed from start to finish. Every moment, every minute, every detail. I don't know what it means that I was finally able to have this conversation other than maybe it was another step in my healing. And by having this conversation I actually learned a thing or two about that day that I had forgotten or never knew. I was finally able to put all of the pieces together from that horrible day. However, being the strong headed person that I am I was able to keep all of my emotions under control until I got home. I felt so much better afterwards though. It was like I was finally able to release all of pressure I kept inside by not talking about it. I cried for a very long time that night and the next morning, but when I was done shedding all of my tears I felt calm. It was an odd feeling and one that I wasn't expecting to ever experience after crying and grieving for my daughter. However, I have heard that grief is a crazy roller coaster that will strike when you least expect it and take you on turns you never thought imaginebale so maybe this was just another turn in my journey. My journey of coping, surviving, living, dreaming for the day when I hold Macie's brother or sister in my arms. That is all I have for now...
