Turning 30

Hey Friends,

Well I made it. I am now 30! I don’t get all the hype, I feel the exact same I did a year ago. :) I had a lot of fun hanging out with my friends and spending close to a week celebrating. The people that I work with made it extra special with all of there "dooms day" things in my office and this past Saturday I went to Bushwhackers and most of my friends came, even some from KC that I don’t get to see that often so it was a great surprise! And I am now one more birthday closer to seeing Macie again.
 

The only one missing was Jenny. She was heavy on my mind all day and night. I never thought 26 would be the last year we would spend together celebrating each other’s birthdays and I never thought I would be hitting a century mark without her.  Her 30^th is fast approaching, May 28^th, and I know she’ll be celebrating and I’ll do my best to be happy that day and try to celebrate her and not be sad that she isn’t here for me to celebrate with her.

Every time I see this on Facebook it reminds me of Jenny. If you know me then you know I am obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I have never missed an episode and Jenny was “my person”.

 

 

 

As I reflect on turning 30 the next thing I think about is having another child. I have been saying "someday" for years now. The truth is I don't know when "someday" will happen. I don't know what is in the cards for me. I would love more than anything to have another child, I just don't know when that will happen at this point in my life. So for now I will continue to say, "someday".

 

Monday is Cinco de Mayo which was one of Jenny's favorite days. So in honor of all the years we celebrated it together I will be drinking a margarita, eating chips and salsa and saying "Happy Cinco de Mayo" (pronounced like the sandwich spread) and laugh thinking of her saying it and laughing until she was in tears. Sometimes the good memories ease my heartache a little.

 

Some days I just miss her and would do anything to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. The grief roller coaster usually hits at the most inappropriate times. I can be in the middle of my day and think of her and my eyes will fill with tears. No matter how much time has passed Toby Keith's Cryin' for Me will always be my "Jenny" song and it's below.

 

 



I hope everyone has a great weekend and I'll be back soon.

 

Take Care,
Lisa

 



 

T-Shirts!

Hey Friends,

 

Alesha (Lane's Mom) came into my life after her son Lane passed away from SIDS. While we hate that our babies passing away from SIDS brought us together we are beyond grateful that we have found each other and the friendship that has formed over the past few years.

In memory of Lane and Macie we are supporting SIDS Awareness May 9th.

Below are the amazing shirts we had created!

So here are the details on the shirts:
***All orders have to be in by APRIL 23RD!***
Shirts are $14 (Sizes Youth Small-XL) and $16 (Sizes 2XL-5XL).

If you want to order please contact us with your NAME, COLOR & SIZES!!

All proceeds will be donated to Boston Children's Hospital SIDS research in their names! And make sure to share this post!!

 

Sunday's

Hey Friends,

I have been trying to figure out for years now what it is about Sunday's. It is by far the hardest day of the week for me and no matter how great of a week I have had or what exciting thing took place, I always have a bit more sadness that comes over me on Sunday's. Maybe it is because it is the day of the week that I got to spend 24 hours straight with Macie. Realistically you would think I would hate Tuesday's since that is the day of the week she died or Monday's since she was buried the following Monday, but it will forever be Sunday's. I loved being a mom and on Sunday's the emotions surface.

Everyone has heard the saying "sometimes you just need a good cry". Before I lost Macie I didn't understand what this meant because I've never been a big crier. I mean maybe if we lost a big softball game I would have shed a tear, but I didn't understand grief and true unconditional love at that age. Well today for the first time in awhile I had that "good cry" that you hear about. I let all of my hurt, anger, confusion and grief surface and I cried, honestly I still have tears in my eyes and occasionally streaming down my face as I write this. The one thing I can't explain is my ability to keep it to myself. I had a friend call me in the middle and they had no idea I was crying because for whatever reason I can act like all is ok in a seconds time. When I got off the phone the tears stared again as I pressed play on the YouTube video (http://youtu.be/3zVSCa1wqX8) and listened to my little girl continue to coo and laugh. I can hear myself giggle on the video and I can hear how happy I was and it hurts my soul.

I made a decision a long time ago that I would stay strong. I would always put on a brave face and share Macie's story with grace not hate. My hope was that my story would help others while I continue to be the kind of person I know I have to be and want to be. I have to stay strong to survive.  I have tried very hard to be the same person I was before anything happened, however I don't know if that is even possible. I want to be the same bubbly girl that is always happy and positive, but sometimes on days like today it is hard to be that person when part of my heart is missing and forever broken. I'm glad I was by myself so I was able to let it out because with the amount of time I have spent crying it was obviously way overdue.

On days like today I don't always write, but for whatever reason I felt compelled to write today so maybe it is helping someone else to hear how I continue to survive day by day and one step at a time.

Take Care,
Lisa

Car Dancing

Hey Friends,

 

Driving to work I saw a girl in a car like Jenny used to drive car dancing. Since Jenny and I did this on so many occasions, ok lets be honest every time we were driving we were blaring Justin Timberlake and car dancing. I miss her every day, but some days are harder. Some days I’m sad and other days I’m angry and yet for some miraculous reason other days I can accept that I can’t pick up the phone and call my best friend. She’s gone and I miss her, all of her. While it made me smile at the memory it hurt my heart and made me want to bawl my eyes out. I can’t listen to Justin Timberlake without picturing her dancing next to me.  So today is a day where it is Grief-1, Lisa-0.

 

Here are a few picture's of Jenny and I dancing like we always did. :)

 

 

 

And her and I not dancing :)

 

I love you and miss you Jenny.

 

Take Care,
Lisa

 

 

*3 Years of Heartache*

Hey Friends,

Well tomorrow marks 3 years. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t seem possible or real life that it’s been 3 years since I saw Macie, held her, loved on her, recorded her cooing, ran into my best friends office yelling Macie was unresponsive and rushed to the hospital after the police called me. It's been 3 years since my nightmare. One thing that helps my heart is knowing that I am now one more January 25^th closer to seeing her again. It’s all about baby steps. The days I really struggle are the days when I feel like I’m forgetting things about her. I could watch her videos or look at pictures, but that’ll make the tears start and I’m not always at a place where it is ok to cry. Other days I’m ok and the days I’m not I take it hour by hour and give myself pep talks about being strong and making it through.

 The grief roller coaster is a wave of emotions. I never know when it’s going to hit, but when it does I get angry, I feel horrible pain and discouragement, I feel like a failure, I forget how to smile, I sleep too much or too little, I don't want to go out in public, but I miss seeing my friends, I don’t want to do anything, I am sad deep inside where it hurts my heart, I cry at strangely unexpected times, my hair turns gray overnight or starts falling out in the shower, I often think I’m crazy, my body aches and has all kinds of pain, I say things I wish I didn't. I’m far from perfect and I may not deal with it correctly, but I’m dealing with it the best that I can. The grief from child loss is not an illness or contagious. It  can’t be passed from person to person, but sometimes I feel like wearing a banner to let others know that it’s ok to talk to me about my daughter. If I cry it’s more than likely because I’m happy you brought her up without me having to. The isolation and loneliness of losing a child is sometimes unbearable honestly. And even though I know that death is supposed to be final, it’s not with child loss. She lives in me, through me, with me, and because of me forever and always.

Tomorrow is a day when I know the grief will hit. I will want to lock myself in a room and be by myself and sleep for 24 hours straight to avoid it. I won’t do that, but doesn’t that sound nice? I think so too. I know I’ll go to the cemetery and then I don’t know. I guess I’ll just see where the day takes me. I already know that I will hear from a lot of you and for that I am sincerely grateful. I love receiving kind words and messages showing your support and trying to give me strength. It truly means the world to me.

A good friend of mine posted this video a few weeks ago. It took me awhile to watch it because I knew it was going to make me cry and it did. I’m so thankful I watched it though. I can’t always put into words what this hole feels like that was left in my heart, but this mom explains grief and what I’m going through with pure accuracy.  

 



When picking songs for Macie’s funeral I had no idea where to begin. A girl that I worked with at the time sent me the song Held by Natalie Grant. It’s a song that I have found strength in and tomorrow is definitely a day where I will need to be “held”.

 

 

 

Take Care,
Lisa

Homaha!

Hey Friends,

So I know most of you know by now that we are moving back to Omaha, but most of you are wondering “why” I’m sure. First off- I’m not pregnant. I know many are you were hopeful that was the reason. The truth is that it is way overdue. We are both from the Omaha area (me-Millard, Chris-Plattsmouth), we laid our daughters body to rest in Nebraska because we always knew that one day we would return and it’s just time to go home. While I have loved every minute I have spent in KC and especially Lees Summit I know it’s time to close the book to this chapter of our lives and open the next chapter and I can’t wait to see what it has in store for us.

 

With that being said we have been down here for almost 6 years and have made some unforgettable friendships that we will treasure. I opened up and let someone in for the first time since Jenny passed and we have become best friends and even though we will now be 3 hours away I know it’s a friendship that isn’t going to go anywhere and I am truly going to miss living so close to her. We have already made some tentative date arranges for me to come here and her to come up to see me so I think we will be ok it’s just going to be REALLY weird at first and I’m going to miss her SO much! I see a lot of tears in my future between now and then- I hate saying goodbye!! Actually everything about living in Omaha is going to be weird at first. I haven’t lived in Omaha for 6 years. I haven’t been close to my family to be able to hang out with them on a Tuesday night for example in 6 years! That’s so crazy to me. I will be able to see and hang out with my friends that live in Omaha and the best part is that it doesn’t have to be scheduled so far in advance to ensure I can come back from KC that weekend. I’m SO excited!

 

When we first had the idea to move back to Omaha my goal was by July 1^st, honestly I thought this was a ridiculously short amount of time to get everything done and be moved up there. Well apparently that was the target I needed because we will be officially moving up there next week! I can’t believe how fast the time is going by. While I’m excited for the next chapter it is a little sad to be leaving, I mean I have been at my job in Lees Summit for 5 ½ years now. They were really good to me & my family when Macie passed away and I won’t forget it. I have heard horror stories from other SIDS parents about what their employers did or the fact that they expected them back at work 1 week later and I truly know how fortunate I am to have worked at a family oriented company during that time.

 

That’s all I have for now and I hope everyone is having a great summer so far.

 

Take Care,

Lisa

Holidays

Hey Friends,
I know it's been awhile and honestly it's been too long...

Well Christmas is approaching...will it ever get easier? At the moment I'm convinced the answer is and will always be no. Christmas was always my favorite time of year, my parents made a big deal about it and I loved it. I loved our traditions and wanted to continue them on. I loved looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate and pretty much everything Christmas. Now I hate Christmas and simply because it's painful. I'm reminded of all of the what ifs and what should have been. We should be decorating our tree with our 2 year old daughter and not just the 2 of us. We should be driving around and looking at Christmas lights and driving by the houses that Macie likes a million times. I'm just struggling today. Struggling to keep it together and to accept the reality that is my life. I don't get to know what anything would be like with Macie. I don't get to know what she would be into this year or what the big gift would be that she would love. I have a lot of friends that have children around Macie's age and every time they tell me about their kids I love it, but I always wonder if she would be into the same thing. I know I sound like a downer and I'm sorry, but tonight it's hard and the reality is setting in that Christmas is fast approaching and it simply hurts. However, with as much as it hurts I know Christmas cannot be over looked and come Christmas I will put on my brave face and smile just as I did last year and try to push the pain down so no one notices how much I'm crying on the inside. I miss my daughter and I know that no force in this world can bring her back and reality hurts. I have heard the phrase that times heals. Well whoever came up with that phrase doesn't know what it's like to lose a child. Maybe they do, but tonight I feel like they don't as it doesn't matter how much time passes some days it still feels like yesterday.
Tonight Chris and I were supposed to go to the SIDS candle lighting like we did last year. We were planning on going. When it came time to go the emotions came and I couldn't bring myself to go light a candle. I couldn't get over the fact that it's so unfair and the tears wouldn't stop. Maybe it would have helped, but I honestly felt like tonight it would have made it worse rather than better.
I try not to sound negative and I'm sorry that this post is very negative and a lot of emotions. I have had a very heavy heart lately and my blog is my outlet where I can share my emotions. A little while ago I watched all of Macie's videos. I normally don't watch them because it rips at my heart. The first one brought a smile to my face. She was such a happy and pretty baby. I should have stopped there, but I kept going until I watched all of them and I think that is what made all of my emotions come to surface. Most of the time I keep it together, but every once in awhile there is that day that just gets me (The grief rollercoaster is real, I swear!). And maybe today is just harder than most because I looked at the date and know that it is the day she was 2 months old and I remember the day 2 years ago. I don't know why, but I can remember dates and what happened very well.
With all of my emotions I do hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas. Maybe in a few days I will feel in the Christmas spirit and maybe today is just a "bad" day.

Take Care,
Lisa