I have been trying to figure out for years now what it is about Sunday's. It is by far the hardest day of the week for me and no matter how great of a week I have had or what exciting thing took place, I always have a bit more sadness that comes over me on Sunday's. Maybe it is because it is the day of the week that I got to spend 24 hours straight with Macie. Realistically you would think I would hate Tuesday's since that is the day of the week she died or Monday's since she was buried the following Monday, but it will forever be Sunday's. I loved being a mom and on Sunday's the emotions surface.
Everyone has heard the saying "sometimes you just need a good cry". Before I lost Macie I didn't understand what this meant because I've never been a big crier. I mean maybe if we lost a big softball game I would have shed a tear, but I didn't understand grief and true unconditional love at that age. Well today for the first time in awhile I had that "good cry" that you hear about. I let all of my hurt, anger, confusion and grief surface and I cried, honestly I still have tears in my eyes and occasionally streaming down my face as I write this. The one thing I can't explain is my ability to keep it to myself. I had a friend call me in the middle and they had no idea I was crying because for whatever reason I can act like all is ok in a seconds time. When I got off the phone the tears stared again as I pressed play on the YouTube video (http://youtu.be/3zVSCa1wqX8) and listened to my little girl continue to coo and laugh. I can hear myself giggle on the video and I can hear how happy I was and it hurts my soul.
I made a decision a long time ago that I would stay strong. I would always put on a brave face and share Macie's story with grace not hate. My hope was that my story would help others while I continue to be the kind of person I know I have to be and want to be. I have to stay strong to survive. I have tried very hard to be the same person I was before anything happened, however I don't know if that is even possible. I want to be the same bubbly girl that is always happy and positive, but sometimes on days like today it is hard to be that person when part of my heart is missing and forever broken. I'm glad I was by myself so I was able to let it out because with the amount of time I have spent crying it was obviously way overdue.
On days like today I don't always write, but for whatever reason I felt compelled to write today so maybe it is helping someone else to hear how I continue to survive day by day and one step at a time.