Tuesday, November 15, 2011

OB + Why Today?

Hey Friends,

Well I met my new OB on Friday and really like her. I cried....a lot, but it went really well and hopefully she doesn't think I'm too crazy. :) I'm just kidding, I know she doesn't! I think all of the questions combined with my pre-existing nerves just aligned for me to be a teary-eyed, runny nose mess the whole time. I was able to answer all of her questions and I loved that she really listened to me, my fears, some concerns and what I want next time around. She said I didn't need another check until next November, but I told her of my plan to be pregnant within the next year and she said she better see me back here with exciting news before next November then! This put me at ease for some reason. Maybe the reality of having another child? Maybe the reassurance that I have found the right doctor for me? Maybe the fact that it was over and all of my emotions that I had been holding in and letting fester until the appointment had arrived were finally out? I honestly think it was just a combination of everything. When I got out of the appointment I sat in my car and cried a little more, composed myself and headed to work.

Chris and I have decided that a spring baby is what we are hoping for....however I don't know if I can wait until June to get pregnant! I want a baby- NOW! Like right now. However, I also know that even if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I still have 9 months to wait. Macie was born in the fall and while I would like to believe the time of year had NOTHING to do with us losing her we aren't sure and they say there is a higher risk for SIDS if you have a fall/winter baby so we are waiting. However, then my mind starts to wonder because I know of other SIDS mom's who have had babies in the spring/summer and they have had the same tragedy in their lives that we have had. So I guess there really is no "right" time, but only when it feels "right" to us.

It doesn't matter how much time has passed some days are just a lot harder than others. For some reason today was REALLY hard on me. Harder than a "normal" day. Today I feel like it was yesterday. My heart is broken and I have fought back bawling all day. For some reason when I got home I wanted to try to figure out why today was so hard, yes it is Tuesday but I have come to terms with the fact that Tuesdays come around every 7 days whether I like it or not. No it isn't the 6th or 25th. Then it finally dawned on me...maybe my heart is hurting because a year ago today it was the start of my last week of maternity leave. It was the last week of it being just Macie and I all day and all night, together 24/7. In a few short days I was heading back to work. I remember dreading it because I didn't want to leave her, ever. Now I look back and wonder why I went back to work? Why didn't I take 12 weeks of maternity leave? If I would have would she still be here? Would I not have to know what this feels like? While I can sit here and say woulda, coulda, shoulda...it doesn't change reality. But I am also human and sit and wonder a lot.

I was wondering how long it had been for sure today so I googled Jan 25th to Nov15th + time passed... this is what it said: 9 months, 3 weeks = 294 days = 7,056 hours = 423,360 minutes = 25,401,600 seconds. Feels like eternity + a day to me.

Hopefully tomorrow I am able to cope a little more.

Take Care,
Lisa

Monday, October 24, 2011

Parental Bereavement Act of 2011

Hey Friends,

I am blessed to have such an amazing employer that allowed me take a bereavement period, but other parents are not so lucky. Please sign the petition (Click on the link below) so that every parent can get the time off work that they deserve after experiencing the most devestating thing a parent can ever go through. Thank you!

Parental Bereavement Act of 2011 (S 1358)

Take Care,
Lisa

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Chowdah!

Hey Friends,

This post is about one of my favorite topics, FOOD!

My mom signed me up for the Rachel Ray e-mail at some point and I get a new 30-minute meal recipe each morning. I know I have been getting these e-mails for a long time, but I’m not sure exactly how long it has been now. This morning when I opened my e-mail I saw the picture below and my mouth started watering it sounded so good! Granted I had my Cherry Cheesecake Visuals shake sitting next to me on my desk that I hadn’t started drinking yet so maybe I was just starving, but how great does Corn Chowdah Mac ‘n’ Cheese sound? I absolutely LOVE comfort food and especially when it is cold outside. I don’t know where you are located, but here in Lee’s Summit (suburb of KC) it is starting to get REALLY cold so this is the perfect fall dish for our home.

I love to cook and experiment and my husband will always attempt to eat anything I make (oh one of the many reasons why I love him!). Granted 98% of the time it is good, but there has been that meal or two that I wouldn’t feed to a stray dog it turned out so bad (still have no idea what I did to ruin it either, oops!). So at some point this weekend I’m going to try this recipe and I will let you know how it turns out. I have posted the recipe and picture below if you would like to try it.

I know this is different from my other posts, but it is time y'all get to know the other side of this girl behind the computer.


Ingredients:
  • Salt and black pepper
  • 1 lb. mezzi rigatoni, penne rigate or cavatappi pasta
  • 4 ears corn, husked
  • EVOO, for drizzling
  • 1/4 lb. bacon, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
  • 1 baking potato, peeled and diced into 1/4- to 1/2-inch pieces
  • 1/2 tbsp. Old Bay Seasoning (half a palmful)
  • 2 stalks celery, chopped
  • 1 red chile pepper, such as fresno, seeded and chopped
  • 1 small red bell pepper, chopped into 1/4-inch cubes
  • 1 small red onion, finely chopped
  • 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
  • A few sprigs thyme, chopped
  • 3 tbsp. butter
  • 2 tbsp. flour
  • 2 cups whole milk
  • 1 tsp. dry mustard
  • About 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper
  • Few grates fresh nutmeg
  • 1 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese
  • 1 1/2 cups shredded sharp yellow cheddar cheese
Directions:
  1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil, salt it, add the pasta and cook to al dente. Drain and return to the pot.
    While the pasta is working, position a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat the broiler. Place a small bowl upside down in a large bowl. Stand each ear of corn on the small bowl and scrape down the kernels.
  2. Heat a skillet over medium-high heat. Add a drizzle of EVOO and the bacon and cook until crisp. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the bacon to a paper-towel-lined plate.
  3. Add the corn, potato and Old Bay to the bacon drippings in the skillet and brown for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the celery, chile pepper, bell pepper, onion and garlic; season with the thyme, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, 8 to 10 minutes.
  4. Meanwhile, melt the butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Whisk in the flour, then the milk; season with the mustard, cayenne, nutmeg, salt and pepper. Cook until the sauce coats a spoon thickly; lower the heat to low. Stir in the parmigiano-reggiano.
  5. Add the corn-potato mixture and the white sauce to the pasta in the pot and stir together. Transfer to a casserole or serving dish, top with the cheddar and bacon and broil until brown and bubbly, 3 to 5 minutes. Serve immediately.
Take Care,
Lisa

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A Sign

Hey Friends,

Well this past week I decided it was time to schedule an appointment with my OB for the lovely female yearly check and to discuss baby #2, whether it is 10 months or 5 years from now I'm ready to discuss. However, when I called the office to schedule an appointment I found out that my OB was no longer there. I instantly could feel myself start to panic. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum and say, "WHAT!?!?! What do you mean they aren't there! I need my OB to be there!" instead I just kept my calm and said thank you and hung up. So I got on my insurance plan website found another OB that is considered in-network, has great ratings and is close to me. I called and scheduled my appointment and the first available appointment she has is Nov. 11th so that is a good sign to me that she must be good that I have to wait! And 11-11-11 is suppose to be a lucky day so maybe the stars will align and it'll go perfectly and she will be everything I could want in an OB. I'm nervous though. She doesn't know anything about me or Macie so I will have to start at the beginning and tell my story. I know I'll cry and I'm praying she is understanding. They are sending me a form to sign so I can have my medical record sent over so that will help, hopefully?!?!

I have been thinking of baby names in my head a lot recently which is something I started doing before I became pregnant with Macie. Maybe it's a sign, I guess we will see. So far the names that I have thought of and like a lot are Layla Marie or Layla Ann for a girl and Wyatt Christopher, Wyatt Alan, Wyatt Thomas, or Beau Thomas for a boy. Why do I already have baby names picked out when I'm not pregnant and am just starting to think about the possibility of it? Good question I guess that is just the OCD in me. I also based the names off of what sounded best with Macie. Macie and Layla, Macie and Wyatt or Macie and Beau...I think they all have a nice ring to them. :)

With starting to think practically about baby #2 these past few weeks the fear has also started to appear. When I think of baby names I am happy and think it's time to try again, but then I think of Macie and the reality and pain set in and then I think I can't do this again out of fear the same outcome will happen. So I guess I'm really not sure when or where the path will take me, but hopefully after talking to the new OB Nov. 11th I'll calm down a little! 

Hope y'all had a nice weekend with this great fall weather!

Take Care,
Lisa

Monday, October 10, 2011

Newspaper

Hey Friends,

The St. Louis dispatch is doing a "Deadly Daycare Series". Macie is mentioned and I am quoted in the first article Children die as dangers are ignored. There will be more articles later today and tomorrow so I will update this blog post as the links become available. I have more to say about this, but I do not have the time to write right now.

1. Children die as dangers are ignored **Macie**
Has anyone heard of daycare.com? This nannyde who calls herself "The Daycare Whisperer" decided to write a blog and focus on Macie's death. Daycare And SIDS/Sleep Deaths Article *Child Deaths Mentioned*  I don't know how I feel about this.

2. Safe sleep for Infants
3. Choosing child care in Missouri
4. Prosecutors face legal limits on punishing illegal day care operators
5. They skirted the rules and 8 babies died

Take Care,
Lisa

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Reminders & Strangers

Hey Friends,

Well in case I was comatose and didn't realize Macie's birthday was this Thursday the mail isn't helping. I have gotten a lot of 1st birthday coupons, magazines and post cards from different baby places saying Happy Birthday! Ugh. This hurts. So this morning when I was going through a big stack of mail and came across another reminder I acted how any angel baby mom would (maybe?). I got angry tore it in half shoved it into my trash can and sat on my kitchen floor and bawled my eyes out. This hurts. I thought the saying goes "time heals"....well there is no healing for this Mother yet. But maybe that phrase doesn't apply when you are dealing with the loss of a child. I definitely don't have the answers, but I do search for them. I want/need to know why. I know this probably sounds cliche, but why me? She was my world and now my world is destroyed and will never be the same. I hate my reality, but I am living it. Just because part of me died the day Macie got her angel wings 8 months ago doesn't mean time has stopped. Time definitely hasn't stopped...Macie's 1st birthday is this Thursday. A day I have been dreading. Chris and I will be there facing the day hand in hand. Helping each other push through, trying to accept and survive another horrible milestone.

Random-so I'm sitting in Starbucks and I had my blog pulled up to read some of your comments, Thank you by the way. Your comments help me a ton so please keep commenting! Any ways, a lady walked by me and said that is a great blog my heart goes out to that mother. Without thinking twice I looked up said Thank You and just went on about reading. She got her coffee and came back and sat at my table with tears in her eyes. She didn't realize it was me until I said thank you. (I have no make-up on, my hair up and glasses on, but I don't think I look that different-however I must!) She told me I am an inspiration and help her (who....me?), she also told me that she prays for Macie, me and my husband all the time and loves reading my blog. I thanked her and she left. She wanted to stay and talk for awhile but was in a hurry. Now that I'm sitting here processing this it seems surreal to me. She doesn't know me. If Macie wouldn't have gotten her angel wings she probably never would have known I existed. How did she find me? And I'm helping a complete stranger? Wow. Thank you for stopping and talking to me- I needed to hear what you said.

Take Care,
Lisa

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Closer

Hey Friends,

The closer it is getting to Macie's first birthday the harder my days are getting, but none of the past 8 months of my life have been easy. Maybe the daze I have been walking around in is started to diminish, maybe the strength I tried to have is fading, maybe it is because it is the 25th and a Sunday which are both hard days for me, maybe it is just because I'm heart broken and celebrating her birthday without her here is enough to kill me. I may not have the answer, but I feel the pain. And with her first birthday approaching I know from October 6th-January 25th I will sit and think....."a year ago today I was doing this with Macie...."

To celebrate Macie's first birthday we have decided to do a balloon release with close friends and family in the church parking lot where her funeral took place. I know this probably isn't the best way to explain it, but I'm at a lack of words- this sucks. I hate that she isn't here and we have to celebrate her life with a balloon release rather than gathering around watching her eat cake and everything else you do at a 1st birthday party. I know I will survive it just like I have somehow managed to survive the past 8 months, but it hurts.

I went to a get together this past week with other SIDS mom's in KC. It was probably the best thing I have done. Being able to share my story and listen to other's stories helped me. I have known that I am not the only one, but seeing them in person and talking with them made me realize how much I am not alone. I hate that I know them because of this, but thankful they are here and we can be there for each other. It also made me realize that I'm not the only one that thinks people are crazy when they say certain things to a SIDS mom. I'm not the only one who cringes when someone walks up to you and just starts talking about their baby. Yes I want to be treated normal and don't want people walking on egg shells around me, but hearing about another child's milestones that Macie will never hit still hurts. Maybe someday when Chris and I decide to have another baby this won't hurt so bad, but right now it does. I don't know when we will all get together again, but I am looking forward to it because being around the other mom's helps me.

Until next time.
Take Care,
Lisa

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Recently

Hey Friends,

I know I have been MIA for a few weeks, but I have been really busy. Between getting my CPC certification, work, Chris starting a new business and then traveling for work it hasn't left much time for sleep much less blogging.

With traveling for work I was a little nervous about it. It would be the first time Chris was home by himself since Macie received her angel wings and I was anxious, stressed and nervous for him. I did this back in March and cried A LOT, but it was good for me at the same time. Honestly I'm not sure how many tears Chris shed, but I do know he didn't like it very much and was VERY happy to have me back home Thursday night. :)

Our house is empty and silent and it is something neither of us like, but we aren't ready to take the plunge into making Macie an older sister yet at the same time. I don't want to put my heartache and stress of Macie's first birthday or first angelversary on another child in my womb. Granted it may be fine and not do anything to the baby, but I have it in my head that I should wait and therefore we are.  We do want to be parents again and so when people ask I simply say, "some day". Now some day may seem vague, but the truth is I don't know when, but I do know that some day we will have another baby and I know Macie will be looking down beaming as the proud older sister. I also know that I will probably take the term "Neurotic Parent" to a higher level and annoy everyone around me so I guess this is your forewarning! :)

Today is the first Husker game and we are HUGE Nebraska football fans. We can leave the state, but our love for Nebraska football will never leave. I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed when they showed a little girl on TV in a cheer leading outfit. My mind instantly wondered to Macie being dressed up for the Husker game today like we did last year. I also made myself smile thinking of all of the different Husker outfits my mom would have had for her with matching shoes, socks and purse. My mom loved being a Grandma more than anything and it shows in her photos.  If you are friends with my mom on Facebook then you are able to see Macie's life documented from the start with pictures. She loves her camera and my dad loves being the photographer and I'm very thankful for all of the pictures they have.

Chris still works for Miller's as their Lawncare Sales Manager, but his new business he has started is being a distributor for Body By Vi because it is a product we believe in. I'm sure some of you have heard of it and others of you probably have no idea what it is. It is a weight loss challenge that combines health and wellness products to help achieve a total body transformation. I can tell you from my own experience that it makes me feel great! I still have weight that I would like to lose from being pregnant and I'm a stress eater so needless to say the pounds came on pretty quickly starting 2011. It has only been a couple of weeks, but I am starting to shed pounds, inches and feel better and have more energy than I have had in a long time. If you are interested in losing weight, feeling better or finding out more information you can go to Chris' wesbite: http://www.christopherbarton.bodybyvi.com/ or you can e-mail me: lisa.mieras.barton@gmail.com. I know some of you have probably tried other products so for those of you that have here is some comparisons for you: Nutrisystem $409.00/mo, Jenny Craig $400/mo, South Beach $348.00/mo, Body By Vi $99/mo for 60 meals; refer 3 people & get it for FREE! No counting points or depriving yourself of your favorite foods either! Body by Vi customers have had success from 10 to over 110 lbs lost! When you go to the website there are pictures and you can see the results speak for themselves.

Tomorrow we are heading to the KC Royals game with 2 of our really good friends and then we are going to the Irish Festival. Chris and I went to the Irish Festival last year when I was 8 months pregnant and all I can recall is that they had cheesecake on a stick dipped in chocolate. Needless to say I loved it and I'm sure Macie did too! :) We are having a nice Labor Day weekend at home enjoying Kansas City. 

Now I need to get back to studying for my CPC so I hope all of you have a great Labor Day weekend!

Take Care,
Lisa

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Macie's Golf Tourney

Hey Friends,

Well Macie's golf tournament was last weekend, August 13th, and it was awesome! It was so wonderful to see all of the love and support and we raised $12,000 to be donated to SIDS in Macie's name. Overall I would call that an extremely successful event!! It was a lot of fun too! It would not have been possible without all of Chris' hard work and dedication, he is amazing!

When Macie first passed away we were told "Don't let this be wasted pain" well we took it to heart and are trying to do positive things in light of our horrible situation. Spring for SIDS was successful too thanks to all of you! Slowly, but surely we are helping spread the knowledge of SIDS and raising funds to help other families and research! I hope Chris and I can be there when they announce that they have found the source and it can be preventable...however until that day we will continue to do this!

Below are a lot of pictures from the golf tournament. Enjoy!! =)

 Chris thanking everyone for coming!
Registration Table 


The Golfers Getting Ready to Start! 
 The Banner listing all of our amazing Sponsors!


 Look at all of the people & support!!


 Some of the prizes!




 Hugging my Dad :)
Go to this Link:http://www.facebook.com/#!/thetravelingfundraiser, read the info and then 'Like' the page. Please & Thank you!
 Some of the amazing volunteers we had!




 My sister-in-law Liz, My sister-in-law Molly & Michelle working the registration table with me :)
 My Brother :)

 The winning CoEd 4 Some! Denny & Kathy Dawson, Brett Mieras & Mike Larsen
The sign outside of the golf course :)
 All of the golfers and my Mother-in-Law, Lori with Tony
 Mike, Tony & Holly Hoesing!

Me & My Parents (Greg & Mona)

Take Care Friends!
Lisa

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Grief

Hey Friends,

I have said it before, but I will say it again. Grief is an unpredictable roller coaster (to say the least!). The days that I think should be hard aren't as hard as I make them out to be in my head  and the days that I'm not prepared I get hit like a ton of bricks!

Saturday we had a company get together for Chris' work and I never thought this would bother me, but the thought of going to a family function just hurt. We are not longer a complete family, It was 2 then 3 and now back to 2 and it kills me :(.... I believe thinking about this caused the break-down. Let me elaborate... I woke up Saturday morning got some things done around the house and then went into Macie's room and just sat and stared at everything. Macie was suppose to get her 4 month pictures taken the day she passed away and her clothes were still in the bag in her drawer unopened and untouched. I decided to lay each outfit out on the bed with the headband just like I had done the night before she passed away. I still remember doing this. I had propped her on the bed and was asking her if she liked the outfits I had picked and I showed her each one while she cooed at me and kicked her feet and smiled. When I was laying each outfit out on the bed the sadness was unbearable and I lost it. I cried for a long time and just kept saying, "Why" in my head and out loud for a long time. Then I noticed my phone was ringing and it was my brother. I quickly pulled myself together and answered. He had me laughing within the first 10 seconds. I had planned on bawling my eyes out to him for the umteenmillionth time, but I'm glad he had me laughing. I don't know how he does it, but he always manages to call or text at the right time. Maybe there is such a thing as a sibling connection like a twin connection. I have no idea?!?!

Saturday morning while I was having my break-down I kept listening to the song that we had chosen for Macie's funeral. It says "when everything is felt, let them be held." It is below if you would like to listen to it.


Take Care,
Lisa

Friday, August 5, 2011

Baby Shower

Hey Friends,

A year ago this Sunday was my baby shower hosted by Jenny and Crystal. Jenny never made it to my baby shower obviously, but I still have the invitation she designed on the side of my refrigerator and I frequently look at it and think back to all of our conversations about Macie and the baby shower. I can still hear her voice in my head and I remember the excitement in her voice over her idea of having everyone bring a book for Macie and writing a note on the inside cover (best idea ever for anyone planning a baby shower, fyi). A few times I have sat down and read through the front cover of all of her books to see what people wrote to her and sometimes I just look at the books to see what books people chose for her. Even though she was so little I still read to her a lot. My favorite book to read to her has a saying that means more to me now than ever, “Forever and Always my Baby you’ll be.” Oh I miss my sweet baby girl and I can’t wait for the day that we are reunited in Heaven. Knowing that someday I will get to see her again is the only thing that really keeps me going to be honest. Without that belief I don’t know how I would make it through or wake up every day.

We have a pretty relaxed weekend planned which will be nice because next weekend will be busy and great with the 1st Annual Macie Elizabeth Golf Tournament (www.macieelizabethgolf.com). I cannot wait for next Saturday! I’m so excited I’m like a kid in a candy store! Seeing everyone come out to show their support for our beautiful daughter will most likely bring tears to my eyes more than one time throughout the day (forewarning!). It’ll be such a great event!!!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Take Care,
Lisa

**Team M Update**

Hey Friends,

I realized when I was reading through these things that I haven't shared them with all of you!

Spring-for-SIDS Newsletter (Team M featured on Page 6)

Spring for SIDS Awards (Team M Received: Club Silver, Chairman's Club & Online Champs)
**THANK YOU EVERYONE!! We couldn't have done this without all of you! =)

Spring for SIDS Memorial List (They are in alphabetical order)
**Team M is for: Macie Barton & Madison Staats

Take Care,
Lisa

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Brett + Molly Wedding Photos!!

Hey!
Here is a link to the blog of Brett and Molly’s wedding photos. They are gorgeous! And please leave a comment. They need 50 comments within the first 24 hours. Thank you Everyone!!


Take Care,
Lisa

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

July 23rd + 25th

Hey Friends,

Well Brett & Molly are now Mr. + Mrs. and it was a blast! Their wedding was gorgeous!! Below are a few pictures for you to enjoy. =)

P.S. Make sure to check back tomorrow...their photographer is going to put a blog post up and then you can see the really good photos and make sure you leave a comment within the first 24 hours (it is very important!). Thank you SO much in advance!! =)

Here are the pictures:
Molly, Brett, Me & Chris at the Rehearsal
Mr. + Mrs. Mieras 
Dad, Mom, Brett, Molly, Me, Chris & Grandma 
Me & Brett 
 Molly & Brett
 The Wedding Party (sorry too many to name!)

Sunday morning reality struck and I knew the day I had been dreading was fast approaching. Monday. July 25th. I'm not a fan of this day. I did survive Monday and it was a rough day to say the least. When I woke up I started watching the clock and reliving that horrible day in January...this is something I try SO hard not to do, but sometimes it gets the best of me. When I was picking up flowers to put on Macie's grave Jenny popped in my head and with it being the 1 year anniversary of her passing Chris and I decided to get Jenny some pretty yellow flowers to put on her niche. I can't believe she has been gone for a year.

But just like every day for the past 6 months I keep surviving. Don't ask me how because honestly I'm not sure most of the time, but I keep waking up and putting one foot in front of the other because forward is the only option there is.

Take Care Everyone!
Lisa


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

July 25th

Hey Friends,

To say that I am dreading July 25th could be the understatement of the century. I'm scared for that date to arrive after the past year of my life. It will mark the 6 month anniversary of Macie receiving her angel wings and the 1 year mark for my best friend Jenny. In the back of my mind I can't help but think, "whose next"? In the same thought I always think why me. I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but some days I think he has given me way more than I can or should have to handle. My daughter, my life, has been gone for almost 6 months. It really doesn't seem possible. I still remember this day 6 months ago like it was yesterday. It was January 20th, the day after Chris' birthday.

The snow in Kansas City was horrible and Chris had to plow all night on his birthday and didn't get home until the next afternoon. Macie and I played and slept and then played some more. I still remember every detail. It was the first time I got her to belly laugh so I just kept trying to get her to over and over, but I never could get it on video. Every time I started to take video she would get quiet like she knew what I was up to.  The second I put the video down she would belly laugh like clock work. I took a lot of pictures the night of Macie and sent them to Chris and put Happy Birthday on them. I hated that he wasn't home on his birthday, but I just kept thinking there will be plenty more so it wasn't a huge deal. The next day the daycare was closed due to the weather. I didn't go anywhere that day and my parents came in that night to hang out with Macie for the weekend. I don't know why I remember every little detail, but I do. I could tell you what time I woke up, what time she woke up, what time I fed her, what outfit I put her in, everything.

One of the pictures I took the night of Chris' birthday is the picture we chose to have put on her headstone. It is below and she is the prettiest baby I have ever seen, but I'll be the first to admit I'm bias :). I also put below a couple of my video's of me being goofy trying to get Macie to belly laugh. She definitely already had the "mom you are weird" look down! Enjoy!




Take Care,
Lisa


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

9 Months...

Hey Friends,

If someone would have asked me what I would be doing 9 months from now the day Macie was born I never would have said this. I never thought this would be my life... devastated and mourning the loss of my daughter. I am too young for this, but most days I feel like I am 27 going on 60. I have experienced more life and pain than anyone needs to in a lifetime. I have experienced pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Yesterday and today I have been having a really hard time. Granted every day is a challenge, but yesterday and today I have had a hard time focusing and staying dry eyed at work. I get to thinking about Macie and I hear her cooing or belly laughing in my head and then I will look at her pictures I have on my desk and I want to bawl my eyes out...This hurts. I believe the saying goes 1 step forward and 2 steps back...

9 months ago today at this time I was holding and enjoying my hours old perfect, beautiful baby girl...I wish I could go back in time. I want her back. I miss her. This isn't fair...

I have been having a horrible day. Thanks for listening friends.

Take Care,
Lisa

Caylee Anthony

Hey Friends,

There is a petition going around to help implement a new law called Caylee's Law. This law, if it is passed, will make it a federal offense not to report a child missing within 24 hours. I think this is a fantastic law and definitely needs to be put into action! Please click on the link below and sign the petition.

Vote for Caylee's Law!

Take Care,
Lisa

Day in Court

Hey Friends,


Macie’s Babysitter had a criminal summons issued yesterday for False Impersonation on 1/25/11 (The Day Macie got her Angel Wings) and her day in court is scheduled. You can read about it on the Missouri Courts website: https://www.courts.mo.gov/casenet/cases/searchCases.do?searchType=caseNumber and enter in case #11CA-CR00875. This should take you directly to the case file, but let me know if you can't find it.


Take Care,
Lisa

It is our understanding that she is being charged with False Impersonation for lying to the police about her daycare license. However, the state is going after her not us so please don't quote me.


Friday, June 24, 2011

CWS

Hey Friends,

Well it’s the weekend & summer time which means another busy weekend for us! This time we are heading to Omaha for the CWS. Tailgates, baseball and tents…oh my! The College World Series is one of my favorite events each year and I’m looking forward to getting up there! One thing that I still struggle with is “looking forward” to things again. It’s hard trying to make yourself realize that it is ok to be happy and realizing Macie would want her parents to be happy. Chris and I will never forget her and there isn’t a moment that goes by that we don’t think of her. Slowly, but surely we are adjusting to our “new” normal and trying to figure out what “happy” truly means again. Granted we hate it, but we are learning how to cope one step at a time. I hope everyone has a great weekend! =)

Take Care,
Lisa

Thursday, June 23, 2011

October

Hey Friends,

So I found something out today. I thought that since Spring for SIDS is in April that April was SIDS awareness month... I was wrong. SIDS awareness month is the month Macie was born...October. Here is the picture I found today:


So since we are on the topic of October let me tell you my 'tentative' idea for Macie's birthday. A balloon release. At 3:01pm on October 6, 2011 Macie will be exactly 1 year old. To honor her memory I would like everyone to pause for a moment of silence, say a prayer and release a balloon into the sky for her. While I know not everyone will be with us you can do this from anywhere. I love the idea (obviously!), but I'm trying to come up with the perfect way to remember her by and to honor her birthday. This is what I have so far, but I still have 3 1/2 months so who knows what I will come up with by then! What do you guys think?

Below is another photo I came across today. I think I'm going to get it printed onto a t-shirt or tank top or something to wear around:

Or for the Macie T-Shirt for the golf tournament maybe we can have this put on the back or somewhere on it. It's very powerful! Honestly I knew SIDS existed, but I never knew how real it is until it happened to us.  You can read all the statistics in the world, but until it affects you personally it doesn't seem real. While I know I can't prevent SIDS I want to spread awareness about it any and every way that I can!

Today is June 23rd which means my little brother, Brett, and his amazing fiancee, Molly, will be married one month from today! I'm looking forward to this and I can't wait! Below is a picture of them. Aren't they cute! I loved all of their engagement pictures! I am so happy that they found each other. =)




Their wedding day will mark the 1 year anniversary since I have talked to Jenny. She passed away July 25, 2010 and we talked for a very long time that Friday night July 23, 2010...seems crazy it has been almost a year since I have heard her voice, had one of our multiple times a day talks, or heard one of her funny jokes or stories!

Take Care,
Lisa

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Golf & Mississippi

Hey Friends,

Well guess what?!?! The Golf Tournament is almost here! Make sure to get your spot saved to golf or your sponsorship information in! Here is the link to the website: Macie Elizabeth Golf Tournament! All checks can be made payable to the Macie Elizabeth Fund! =) I can't wait for the golf tournament and to see everyone who comes out to support SIDS in honor of Macie!!

Well my sister-in-law Jessica is now Married and I could not be happier for her!!! We went to Mississippi for the past 10 days for her wedding and it was so fun! The wedding did bring up emotions that I tried really hard to push way down inside. Famiy pictures were hard on me as I'm sure they were for Chris and those will never get easier... And seeing Jessica taking pictures with my nieces killed me so I walked out during those pictures for a moment. It was Jessica's big day and the last thing I wanted to do was even have a tear in my eye and take anything away from her. After the ceremony I was told how strong and amazing I am. That did make me tear up. I was so thankful for the compliment and it came at the perfect time. When we were walking out after the ceremony a sadness came over me. The same saddness that strikes whenever I start missing Macie so much it physically hurts. I kept thinking she should be here! This isn't fair!! She should be in a frilly dress with a huge bow in her hair that Chris would take out and I would keep putting back in and she should be trying to crawl everywhere! Then I got the compliment and it helped me. After that I made eye contact with my husband and he gave me that same smile that I fell in love with and I knew it was going to be ok. We then went over to the reception and had a great time! Below is a couple pictures of Chris and I from the reception. =)




Here is a picture of Chris and I from our Road Trip when we ate at Cracker Barrell in Memphis on our way to Mississippi:


While I was in Mississippi I also got to meet Crystal. She has been following my blog since the beginning and we have talked multiple times, but finally got to meet in person! She is always sending me very sweet cards in the mail just letting me know that she is thinking and praying for me. She also had a star named after Macie so now whenever I look in the sky I can look for my Macie star!  =) Below is a picture of her and I.


I hope everyone is having a great week and I will check in again soon.

Take Care,
Lisa

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Macie & her Daddy Photo Contest!

Hey Friends,

I entered Macie and Chris into a Father's Day photo contest through Love Bug Beautique on Facebook. The link and photo is below. Please go and like the page, like the photo and leave a comment underneath once a day! I REALLY want them to win and would appreciate it! Thank you friends!! You guys are the best for all of your love and support!

Catching-Up

Hey Friends,
 
It dawned on me that I have a lot to catch you up on. May 15th was one of the worse days yet. It was the day that Macie had been gone 3 months and 20 days. It doesn't seem possible that she has been gone longer than she was here, but it's true and it happened and we survived. Chris and I both felt the sting of the pain a little bit more than normal that day. It's almost hard for us to comprehend. Macie has touched a lot of lives and Chris and I have tried to do our best to make people aware of SIDS. It's real, it happens, it's unfair and horrible.
 
Last Sunday we were in Nebraska for Memorial Day weekend and so we were able to go to First Baptist Church for the morning and evening service which we enjoyed. As much as I love going there it can also be hard on me at times. This is the church where Macie's funeral service was and the Pastor did a phenomenal job, but when he starts talking I can hear him doing Macie's service again in my head. It usually takes me a few minutes and then I am able to block out the memories and focus on the message at hand. Well last Sunday in honor of Memorial Day the message was remembering the lost ones. The Pastor started talking about members of the church that had passed and the military and while he was talking I could feel my heart start to race. I remember thinking please don't say Macie's name because I'm going to lose it and my eyes started to get teary which has almost become there new normal these past few months. However, he didn't and just said we remember all the babies. Phew... relief came over me, but then the thoughts started racing through my head. He said babies. That means someone else. Who? What happened? Were they here too? I wonder who they are? Oh no someone else knows what Chris and I are going through and they could be here. Should we go talk to them? I started looking around to see if I could spot another teary eyed mom in the audience, but I didn't have any luck nor did I ask anyone. 
 
After the Sunday night service I did something that I hadn't done yet. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to do this again. I also never thought I would be able to do it without crying, but I did and I survived. I held a baby. One of Chris' really good friends and his wife had a baby 10 weeks ago and he is such a cute little boy. After the service I saw her and was talking to her and put my finger out for him to grab it and when he did I asked if I could hold him. Of course she said yes, but I'm sure she was just as surprised as everyone else who saw me holding him. I was standing in the foyer of the Church. I was in the same church where my daughter's funeral service had been and I was holding a baby for the first time and I was ok. Of course it made me long for Macie, but it also helped heal my broken heart just a little and even though I only held him for a few minutes I was happy to have a baby in my arms. When Chris saw me I could see the shock in his eyes and I'm sure he just wanted to cry. He didn't say anything until later that night and all he said was that it surprised him and that it was nice to see. It's moments like these that I realize I am getting stronger and I will survive.
 
Memorial Day we went and put flowers on Macie's grave. Macie and grave should never be in the same sentence, but unfortunately that is our reality. We got some pretty pink roses to put in the vase behind her headstone and on the ribbon it said "I love you, my angel" it was perfect for our beautiful baby girl. Chris and I had the same conversation that we have had many times at Macie's grave. We discussed how unfair it is and how much it hurts and we tell her how much we love and miss her.
 
Last weekend was also Jenny's birthday. Last Saturday, May 28th, she should have been turning 27. And tomorrow is June 6th which is her 2nd wedding anniversary. Still can't believe it has almost been a year since she passed. A year since I have seen or talked to her. Please pray for her husband for peace tomorrow as I guarantee it will be an impossible day for him.
 
Take Care,
Lisa