Saturday, April 30, 2011

International Babylost Mothers Day

Hey Friends,

Tomorrow, May 1st, is the International Babylost Mother's Day. Having babylost in there is like a knife to my heart. It simply just hurts and I miss my daughter. I don't know if I have seen this and have just chosen not to pay attention or if I really did miss this somehow. When I was reading about it I couldn't hold back the tears and they just started streaming down my face. I'm grateful there is a day for all of us Mom's that fall into this "club" so we know we are not alone, but it hurts knowing that since my little girl received her angel wings that I have a separate Mother's Day from everyone else. I'm not going to lie or deny it, I have not been looking forward to next Sunday. I know it is going to be a hard day. My first "official" Mother's Day (I was pregnant last year) and Macie isn't here. :(

One thing I am starting to know is what I can and can't handle. Granted I don't have all the answers as it is barely over 3 months, but I'm starting to get to the point where I know what works and what doesn't work for me. However, as quickly as I have figured this out I am sure it will change again. It will be something that will continuously change throughout my life as I try to learn how to survive this journey that was layed out for me.

I have always been a huge planner, a little OCD even. I have a calendar I carry around with me and I liked to have everything planned out. My husband is the exact opposite of me. He would rather just go with the flow and sometimes I would let this stress me out even. However, throughout this journey I have learned that there is no point in planning. You can't plan anything. Sometimes it is good to let go of the time controlling strings and just go with the flow. So I no longer plan. (For those that know me know this is a huge deal). Now I just focus on one day at a time. When I wake up each morning I start to set tiny goals in my head. But the main one I set everyday is just to make it through the day and let it be a good day. Sometimes I accomplish this and sometimes I don't. I still have more bad days than good, but I know eventually I will think of Macie and smile and start to have more good days than bad. But that will take time.

Here is the link to the International Babylost Mother's Day blog if anyone is interested in reading more about it: International Babylost Mothers Day.

Take Care,
Lisa

Yesterday::Pink-Out around the world!!

Hey Friends,

Yesterday was a HUGE success! Thank you!! Everyone I saw was in Pink and I loved seeing everyone’s pictures!! I was filled with joy by seeing everyone in pink and showing their support for my baby girl and Maddie. Go Team M!

When I got home from work I was by myself and there is this one picture of Macie that I have hanging up that I always talk to when I am home. Otherwise I talk to her in my head. :) I told her all about it and how I knew she was there and smiling! :)

So far we have raised $6,785.40 towards SIDS research! It is such a great thing! I don’t have the final total yet, but once I do I will post that :)

Also, on my way to work and on my way home from work Cryin' for Me by Toby Keith came on the radio. Yes it was probably a coincidence, but this is the song that reminds me of Jenny (see previous post: Jenny) so I took it as a sign that she was there too supporting Macie and SIDS! :)

Below is a picture of me in my Macie Shirt :) I took it in the mirror so the T-Shirt writing is backwards, lol. Below that one is a picture of my friend Miranda and I. 

Don’t forget I’m going to do a slide show of all of the people who supported Team M yesterday so please send me your pictures: lisa.mieras.barton@gmail.com.




Me



Miranda & I



Take Care,
Lisa

Side Note: On my way home from work I stopped at the police station and picked up my official copy of the police report. Horrible, horrible, horrible is all I can say about that. More lies (go figure). Chris and I went through everything and I will elaborate later.

Friday, April 29, 2011

SIDS DAY!

Hey Friends,

Please remember to wear your PINK and a BOW tomorrow in honor of Macie & SIDS day! Also, please remember to tag me on FaceBook in your picture or send it to me at lisa.mieras.barton@gmail.com. I will be making a slide show of everyone in their PINK! :)

Thank you Friends!
Lisa

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tragedy Happens Again :(

Hey Friends,
 
Well it is with a heavy heart that I tell you that SIDS has struck again. Only this time it was really close to home. The parents are in Omaha, NE (Where I am from) and the mom went to the same High School as I did (Millard West). Their 4 month old daughter passed away while at daycare yesterday. Another mom that will hate the 25th of the month as much as I do. Another mom that has to go through this unimaginable pain that can truly only be understood if you have lived it. I am planning on reaching out to them, but we are giving them time first. The last thing I want to do is bombard them, but rather let them know when some time has passed that we are here for support. We will be a listening ear and we truly understand. So please say an extra prayer tonight for Abby and Zach and their angel Emma.
 
However, with finding out this news I couldn't help but to start questioning things. Why are they all around 4 months old? Why are they all girls? Why are they all at a day care providers house? None of them were at day care centers. I want to know what causes SIDS, I want a cure.
 
Well it was 3 months yesterday. 3 months since Macie got her Angel Wings. Another milestone day that I have survived. Each day I survive. "The death of a child is like an illness which one will never fully recover." 
 
I went to go get my official copy of the police report today. I had to fill out some paper work and I wont get it until Thursday or Friday. It will take a few days which annoyed me at first, but once they explained the reasons I was very pleased! So this time the wait doesn't bother me at all! I am dreading what other horrid information I'm going to find out once I do get my official copy. I wonder how many more times I was lied to that I'm not aware of yet?? I'm sure there are plenty of things, but in a few days I will know.

Yesterday I kept myself busy. Last night and tonight I have been trying to figure out how to create, organize and design a website. It is definitely not an easy task so I will be back at it again tomorrow.  Chris has created a website for Macie's Golf Scramble August 13th and I'm trying to get all of the information on it to share with everyone. Once I do get this accomplished and everything is complete I will post the website on here for you all to see. If you have FaceBook here is the event page: Macie Elizabeth Golf Scramble.
 
And last, but definitely not least. THANK YOU SHILA!! Shila is a daycare provider and watches a ladies daughter that I work with. She found out about Macie and she has made bows that are in our break rooms at work and all proceeds are being donated to SIDS in Team M's name! I love it! I went in their today and looked at all of them and had so many people tell me about them first thing when I got their this morning!! It is SO great to know there are people out there with huge hearts! So Shila I thank you for your love and support! They are wonderful!! Everyone at my work will be wearing pink and a hair bow this Friday in honor of Spring for SIDS!!
 
Please remember to take a picture of yourself on Friday in your Pink and Hair Bows! I will be making a slide show of everyone supporting Spring for SIDS in honor of Team M! 
 
Take Care,
Lisa

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter

Hey Friends,

I never thought Macie's first Easter would be like this. We went to the cemetery to put her Easter bouquet on her grave today. It's just so unfair. The first Holiday without her and I have found myself angry and so sad. When we were leaving Chris said this isn't the way it was suppose to be. He is right, it's not. We should have been getting her all dressed up in her new Easter dress with a big bow on her head and showing her off. Not pulling into the cemetery to put flowers on our daughters grave. I'm sure she looked gorgeous today with her angel wings learning first hand what this day truly means.

One of my baby shower gifts was a set of bibs that had every Holiday on them that say babies 1st. Macie wore her Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year one. She never gets to wear any of the other ones... just another thing that breaks my heart. I put her Easter one in with her bouquet I made that we layed on top of her grave. She isn't with us today, but it's still her first Easter. I will post a picture soon.

Tomorrow is the 25th. Tomorrow marks 3 months since Macie got her angel wings. In a few more weeks she will have been gone longer than she was here. Hard to believe and such a gut wrenching thought when it stills feels like yesterday to me.

Take Care,
Lisa

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Truth

Hey Friends,

Well it came and went and I survived. I am now 27. My husband went above and beyond to make my day special and to keep me distracted and he succeeded. He likes to say he "hit it out of the park" LOL! And he did!! It was a VERY hard day, but I made it through. He had flowers delivered to my work, when I got home he had bought me a new purse for spring/summer and got me a sweet card. He also got me an angel that has blond hair and is holding a baby with brown hair... it was perfect! It's Macie & I!! He also got me a card and wrote it in like it was Macie talking to me. It was very sweet, but it made me bawl! I miss my baby girl so much! We then went to the Cheesecake Factory on the Plaza and my parents and brother were there to surprise me! I was so happy my family was there :)

First thing that morning I went to the Jackson County Medical Examiner to pick up the autopsy... that was not fun and I got lost on top of it. I do have the autopsy, but it is still sealed and I'm not sure if I will ever read it. I wanted it and honestly I'm not sure why. I know the results: your daughter is dead and we don't know why. End of story. Yup I'm still bitter. An extremely old person dies of natural causes not an almost 4 month old, in my opinion!

So I have received some of the police report and how I got it is a long story, but I have some of it. What I was really interested in (the baby sitter's interview) was cut off so I have to wait to read the rest of it until I get the official copy from the LSPD. I have enough of the police report though and my anger and hatred have been ignited! The police report is a public document that anyone can get a copy of so if anyone wants to verify anything I say, go ahead! I'm not the liar. (I know most of you wont, but I had to make that clear for someone). OK so here it goes. According to the police report Macie was put into a swing at 130 and was not checked on until 220. Anger kind of describes my emotion on this. Who puts a baby in a swing and not a crib when they are napping? Who leaves an infant unattended in a swing for 50 MINUTES!?!?! Why, why, why, why! I also don't understand the point in lying to me, it isn't going to change the outcome!! After reading the police report I have found out that I was lied to MULTIPLE times by the same person and it infuriates me and I believed the lies which makes me even angrier! It was 3 months ago this Monday and I'm finally starting to get the answers I have been waiting for. Yes they are hard to take, but I'm thankful to know the TRUTH! This has been a VERY long and hard week in general. I feel like I have gotten kicked when I am already down. I did everything right when it came to finding someone to watch my daughter, but it just goes to show you that you can't trust anyone or any data base. Jenny was suppose to watch her and that would have been perfect, but she passed away suddenly and then I was stuck in the boat of having to find someone. Finding a stranger. I asked a ton of questions, did every state website search, google search, anything I could think of search and everything checked out. But what my searching and researching didn't tell me is that I was going to be leaving my daughter with someone who left her in a swing unattended for 50 minutes!!

OK that is all for now on this topic because I'm fuming and need to calm down. I will keep you updated on all that I find out the more I read...

Tomorrow is Easter and I think it is going to be a hard holiday. Maybe because it is the first Holiday since Macie passed away? Maybe it is because Macie won't get to wear an Easter dress? Or maybe it won't be harder than any other day because every day is a struggle without her.  Chris and I have gone back and forth, but I think we are going to go to Church tomorrow night and not tomorrow morning. We just can't decide because we know seeing all of the little girls in their Easter dresses is going to break our hearts!!! I know I'm going to cry no matter how hard I try not to so it doesn't matter to me when we go. We are also going to take Macie an Easter bouquet tomorrow up to the cemetery.

Well I hope this Easter weekend finds you all well!!

Here is a video of Macie that I took January 23... 2 days before my world was shattered. She is so cute!! She is just laying on her wiggle worm talking to her friends being perfect in every way :)


Take Care,
Lisa

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Autopsy

Hey Friends,

Well I just got off the phone with the Medical Examiner and Macie’s death was deemed natural. We were told this right away, but now that the autopsy is complete we 100% know it was SIDS. I asked them for a copy of the autopsy and they had me fax a sheet over with my signature and then said I couldn’t come pick it up until tomorrow. I wanted to leave work and go get it, but I have to wait until tomorrow. Of course it’s tomorrow. Not today, not this past Monday or any other day this past 3 months…it’s tomorrow. So my 27th birthday was going to be hard anyways, but now it will be impossible. I will be driving to the Jackson County Medical Examiner’s office to be there by 8:30am to pick up a copy of my daughter’s autopsy. The autopsy is only going to be able to tell me everything they tested and every result will say 0 or inconclusive because they don’t know why my daughter died, no one can tell me why I have to live every day until forever without her. I’m thankful it was natural and she wasn’t in pain and nothing was done to her, but I was still hoping for a reason. I wanted to know what happened. So I have an answer, but it still isn’t an answer.

The next thing will be a copy of the police report and then we will get Macie’s death certificate… Oh I really don’t want to get that in the mail. Actually maybe I can get in on Mother’s Day so that we can just put the icing on the cake. Ok I know I am just being a bitter betty, but I am bitter and angry and am searching for answers that aren’t there and will never be there.  I was dreading my birthday and now I have to do this on it. I’m dreading Mother’s Day because while I know I’m still Macie's mom I don’t feel like one and I will never get the chance to spend a Mother’s Day with my daughter.

I’m hoping tomorrow goes as smoothly as it possibly can.

Take Care,
Lisa

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

26 to 27

Hey Friends,

Another week has come and gone and there isn't a second that goes by that I don't think of Macie. I miss my sweet baby girl so much it still physically hurts. I long to hold her in my arms and see her sweet smile and hear her hilarious belly laugh. I'm thankful for the videos we took of her and the thousand photos we have and we will cherish her forever. She was everything to us and she was perfect.

At her funeral we showed a video that Chris took the night before. She was belly laughing and it was HILARIOUS and we were trying to get her to do it again. I would like to share it with all of you so I will see if I can figure out how to get it uploaded onto here. She is so cute!!

The auction did very well and I'm so happy about it! Doing Spring-for-SIDS and seeing how great it is doing does bring a smile to my face! I know Macie & Maddie are so proud of what we are accomplishing! Go Team M! Thank you everyone who donated and bid...it was a lot of fun to watch!! :) And a special thank you to Barb because she is an amazing woman for orchestrating the whole thing!

Well one of the days I have been dreading is fast approaching...Thursday. Thursday is my 27th birthday and it is going to be hard. I keep telling myself to be happy that day, but that is easier said than done. Part of me wants to forget it is my birthday (another thing that it is easier said than done) and I’m hoping my husband has something planned to distract me, but we will see. A lot has happened to me in a year and I’m not sure if I want to reflect on it or not. One thing I do know for sure is that I’m not the same person I was when I turned 26 that I am at 27.

Take Care,
Lisa

Monday, April 11, 2011

Macie & Maddie

Hey Friends,

Please take the time to read about Spring for SIDS and remember to wear pink and a bow April 29th in honor of Macie and Maddie... two precious little girls that got their Angel Wings far too soon!

On Saturday Kellie sent me the picture below. I LOVE IT! I would like to think Macie and Maddie are best friends and play together all day long and that is why Kellie and I were brought together. They knew their mommies needed someone and made our paths cross. Kellie and I met under horrible circumstances when we were both at our lowest points going through the worst thing we will ever experience. And even though this is how we met I am thankful that we have met and for her friendship, listening ear and true understanding.
Take Care,
Lisa

Sunday, April 10, 2011

5K Run & My Dad

Hey Friends,

Well we did it! Crystal, Scott, Liz, Michael, Chris, April, Chris and I did the 5K run for SIDS!! I have never seen so many hills, but that is besides the point :) The walk went great and at the end of the walk they had signs up with other babies dates and pictures so for the walk next year we will be adding Macie to the angel lane. Ava's parents were at the starting line to start the race for everyone. I looked at them and I hated that I knew first hand what they were feeling. I think the run was a great celebration of Ava's life and it touched me for obvious reasons, but even the parents that don't know this pain had to of been touched.

Right before the walk I couldn't help but think the only reason we are here is because Macie is gone. I kept thinking over and over how unfair this is. I wish I would have been there to show my support for other moms and not be one. I know that is selfish, but it's true. I hate this "club" that I have found myself in. It hurts. None of us want to be in, but we are the chosen. We all have unbelievable strength because we have to in order to keep going.

I made name tags for us each to wear in memory of Macie. Each thing symbolized something related to Macie and they turned out so great!! It was great to run to support SIDS in honor of Macie. While Chris and I know everything that we are doing will never bring her back it does give us hope for the future and for a cure!! STOP SIDS!!

Below is a picture of all of us after the run! :)

 Michael, Liz, Scott, Crystal, Me, Chris, April & Chris

Yesterday was also my Dad's birthday. I thought it was so awesome that his birthday and this SIDS run were on the same day... I took it as a sign :) I have mentioned my dad before in this blog and he truly is an amazing man and anyone that has met him knows this. I called and wished him Happy Birthday when we got done with the run and he joked with me, but I could hear the pain in his voice. He wasn't happy it was his birthday and he was hurting because his only granddaughter wasn't sitting on his lap making him smile like he had thought. I joked back and didn't bring it up, but it broke my heart. Below is a picture of my dad and I from when I was 8 months pregnant. Happy Birthday Dad, I love you!


My birthday is April 21st and I'm sure I will sound a lot like he did and possibly worse... I'm dreading my birthday. I want to pretend it doesn't exist this year. Anytime I even hear the mention of my birthday it is like hearing nails on a chalk board. It is just another reminder that my life is continuing to move forward without Macie when I don't want it to. The word makes me cringe because my daughter is suppose to be here and this wasn't suppose to happen to us, but it did. She is now an Angel Baby flying high in the skies of Heaven and I'm sure she is watching over us.

Take Care,
Lisa



Wednesday, April 6, 2011

::Team M Update::

Hey Friends,

Well we have raised $2,300 so far and we are estatic! We still have 23 days left too!!

To make a donation to Team M click here.

We also now have a FaceBook page which is: Team M: Maddie and Macie's Auction for the American SIDS Institute. Click here to get to the page. Make sure you click Like!!

Also, don't forget that MaMa Bracelets has the Halo Bracelet's and 20% of each purchase is donated to Team M. They are gorgeous!

Thank you for all of your love, support and donations! We love you all for finding this cause as important as we do!

Take Care,
Lisa

~Macie~

6 Months

Hey Friends,

Well it is April 6th...Chris and I should be having a family dinner celebrating having a 6 month old baby girl and enjoying all of her milestones. Instead it is just the 2 of us again like it was last spring. It's depressing, it hurts and it is simply just a hard day.

Well I said it myself be thankful for the road you are on. Some people might think what does she have to be thankful for? And trust me I have thought this myself a time or two. But at the end of the day I'm very thankful for every last second I had with Macie. Thankful I was chosen to be the mother to a perfect angel while she was here on earth for 3 months and 19 days. Yes things happen to you in your life that are unfair and unjust, but how you deal with them defines you. Macie has changed me many times since the day I found out I was pregnant with her. And I would like to think she has changed me for the better. Even in death she is still changing me and giving me strength to do things that I would not of otherwise had.

While I was on FaceBook tonight this box came up on the right hand side that said Memorable Status Updates and the status was Chris' so I clicked on it to read...

This was the status:

Chris Barton
Home with my little family got to say I loved seeing my family, but I love it being just me, Lisa and Macie
November 28, 2010 at 1:46pm via Mobile Web

Oh I miss those days. We loved being a family. We felt so complete, so perfect... our life has been shattered and some days it is hard to even get out of bed let alone make it through the whole day.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Take Care,
Lisa

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

5 Years

Hey Friends,
 
Well I did it. This past Saturday was my niece’s birthday party and I went. I had a huge knot in my stomach about it for a week and I couldn’t decide whether or not I should go. Every time I thought about it I would just start bawling and get angry because I know that Chris and I are never going to get to host a birthday party for our daughter and that isn’t something that I can fully process yet. I even tried going into Target to get my niece a birthday present. I don’t know why I thought I could do this. I walked into Target looked around and then headed back toward the little girl department. Well in my Target you have to go past the baby section to get to the little girl department. I saw that baby girl socks were on sale and I instantly thought Oh good I’m sure Macie needs some new socks and then I thought no she doesn’t because she isn’t here. Both thoughts occurred in about 5 seconds. However, when I finished with the second thought the tears were already streaming down my face and I was still in the middle of Target. So I did what any mom in my position would do…put down my stuff and made a b-line for the door to my car. I never did make it to the little girl department so my niece received cash for her birthday and she seemed very happy with that so that is what she will be getting from here on out. :) 

At the party I tried to keep thinking it was just a big family get together and not a birthday party (probably horrible, I know). It just hurt and I tried to keep it together the best I could. I sat outside when they sang Happy Birthday out of fear of bawling and taking away from her special day. I could still hear them when they sang and I cried. I tried so hard not to, but I did. I didn't bawl, but my eyes filled up and I instantly thought I have got to pull it together ASAP because today it is about her and I didn't want to take away from that at all! After this I went into the bathroom put one hand on each side of the sink and the tears started flowing, but I was alone. When I looked up there was a ladybug on the mirror. Now I haven't seen any ladybug's yet this year, but I have been talking to Kellie a lot and she tells me about her experiences with the ladybug's and how she believes they are Maddie coming to see her (and I do too!). When I saw the ladybug that was the first thing that popped into my head and I thought it must be Macie coming to see me. She knew I needed her and it was a sign that she is still with me. My tears quickly dried up and it actually brought a smile to my face. I pulled myself together wiped my face off and went back out to the party and I hoped no one noticed my slight breakdown. I'm sure someone noticed, but they were nice enough not to say anything.

Tomorrow is my niece's birthday and she will be 7. I can't believe how big she is getting! Tomorrow also marks the day that Macie would have been turning 6 months old. I'm still trying to discover my "new" normal and my new routine, but some days it just isn't easy and on milestone days like the 6th and 25th of the month it REALLY isn't easy. Tomorrow I will be at work and I will try to go through my day and not dwell on the date, but I'm sure I will. I just hope I can hold it together and not have a breakdown at my desk.

5 years ago yesterday I met my husband for the first time. When I looked at the date this popped into my head and I couldn't help but think what a crazy and wonderful 5 years it has been since that first day we met. I started to think about what the next 5 years might hold and the 5 after that and so on. The only thing I know for sure from the past 5 years is that you never know where the road is going to take you, but just be thankful for the road you are on.

Take Care,
Lisa

Saturday, April 2, 2011

*~*~SIDS Bracelet~*~*


Hey Friends,
 
In support of "Team M" in memory of Macie and Maddie and The American SIDS Institute MaMa Bracelets has designed the HALO bracelet. Each purchase of The SIDS Awareness HALO Bracelet carries a 20% donation to "Team M" up until the Spring-for SIDS Event on April 29, 2011.

Here is a link directly to the bracelet: Macie & Maddie HALO Bracelet 
 
Here is the link to my Spring for SIDS post for more information: Spring for SIDS
 
Also, on April 29th when you are wearing PINK and a BOW in honor of Macie and Maddie please send me a picture of yourself, your kids, your pets, anyone and everyone that is supporting our cause in honor of our daughters. I would like to make a scrapbook of all of the pictures of "Team M". My e-mail address is lisa.mieras.barton@gmail.com
 
Thank you for all of your love and support friends!
 
Take Care,
Lisa