More Heartache...The Miscarriage

Hey Friends,

The past 2 weeks have been awful to sum it up in the least. As many of you saw on Facebook a few weeks ago Chris and I were so ecstatic to announce that Macie was going to be a big sister.  I can't even begin to explain the happiness, hope, love and excitement that came with that positive pregnancy test. I was so happy I bursted into tears. I couldn't believe my eyes. Finally after a lot of negative pregnancy tests and thinking it was never going to happen it was finally positive. I was finally pregnant.

Our first doctor's appointment was on July 15th. We were so excited that morning to go to the doctor and see our little rainbow baby that we were basically skipping and whistling the whole way in. They ran through the normal intake paperwork and then they go to the part that I was dreading. How many living children...it's like being punched in the stomach when I get asked that question and I know I'm going to have to explain Macie's life from the pregnancy, labor, and everything up until she passed. Chris did a great job of answering most of those questions because he knows how much I hate them.

When they did the ultra sound the PA couldn't find the heart beat and thought maybe it was her machine or I wasn't as far along as I had thought so they sent me up to radiology to get a more detailed ultra sound. It only took the chance that something may be wrong for me to turn into water works. The tears came and I couldn't hold back. I cried up to radiology, cried in the room, cried during the ultra sound, cried after, you get the idea. I was scared something was wrong. When they measured the babies heart beat and it was 55 my heart sank because I knew something was wrong. I remember Macie's being 160. I knew 55 wasn't good.

After we were done in radiology we went back downstairs and waited on the doctor. We waiting 20 minutes, but it seriously felt like hours and I couldn't stop pacing. The doctor walked in and said, "I don't have good news" and the grief hit like a ton of bricks. That feeling I recognized. I started bawling uncontrollably.

The babies heartbeat was weak and it was only a matter of time before the baby passed and I may miscarry on my own. We were sent on our way and scheduled to return the following Monday, July 21. I sat in the parking lot and cried for awhile. I was so sad, mad, disappointed, angry and the grief just wouldn't stop.

Tuesday to the following Monday could have been the longest 6 days of my life. When we went in Monday and got the ultra sound it was confirmed that there was no longer a heart beat. The baby had passed and I hadn't miscarried on my own so I would need surgery the next day to remove the baby. That conversation was a blur, but luckily Chris was listening. Next thing I knew I was back at the hospital Tuesday morning bright and early and ready for the surgery. It was outpatient so I was home that afternoon and stayed home Wednesday too so I could recover. I was fully recovered from the surgery within a few days.

Tuesday is the day of the week Macie passed, the day we found out about this baby and the day of my surgery. It's probably going to take me awhile to warm up to Tuesdays. As for now I hate Tuesdays because in my world bad things happen on Tuesdays.

I've proven how strong of a person I am and I know I will survive this with the same dignity and grace that I have always had. I know some are worried I will become wreck less, but it isn't who I am. I haven't lost all hope in the world and I'm not going to crumble or break. Yes I'm sad, but I'm ok too. I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other just as I always have.

I don't have much more to say at this time other than I am no longer pregnant and that is what happened with our rainbow baby.

Take Care,
Lisa

Memorial Day and THAT movie

Hey Friends,

I went to the cemetery today. I looked at the date and the first thing that popped into my head is that her headstone was put in 3 years ago today. The Tuesday before Memorial Day. Seems fitting since she died on a Tuesday that her headstone was put in on a Tuesday, but I guess those are things only a mother remembers. When I was at the cemetery I took everything down and scrubbed every centimeter of her headstone, the cement, the vase, the letters, everything. I needed it to look perfect and polished. I needed it to be different. It has looked the same for the past few years and I was ready for it to change. I got new flowers and a type I had never put there before, I removed the clutter, and got 2 new statues to place there. Once I was done cleaning and visiting Macie's spot I went to Jenny's and visited her and made sure it looked perfect, which is did as always. I do this weekly, but I'm glad I went today and didn't wait until Monday to visit Macie's spot. I know I'll go Monday again and I may even go tomorrow. Sometimes going and visiting and talking brings me peace.

I just finished watching the movie Return to Zero. I knew it was about a couple losing their first child and the stages of grief. It is a movie that I wanted to see, but hurt so deeply. I don't think watching it alone was my greatest idea, yet I think it is exactly what I needed. Some of the movie struck nerves with how real it was yet it was comforting to know my journey is normal. It showed them trying to cope with alcohol and separately and smoking cigarettes and the isolation you feel when you lose a child and are trying to figure out how to cope. Trying to find that new normal. It illustrated them grieving separately and them asking the other one how they are and the response was always, I'm fine or I'm great. It's true and is a normal reaction. You are already so vulnerable after the loss of a child and are in survival mode so rather than opening yourself up anymore you shut down and make everyone believe you are fine, even the person you are married to and supposed to be the most honest with. I loved that it showed the anger, rudeness and hatefulness you go through. I often wondered if it was normal to be so angry that I could break something and then burst into tears because the same thing that was causing me anger was also causing me to hurt. It is nice to know I'm not the only one.

It showed the repetition without resolution. How you get stuck in a rut and that you have gone into a cave that you can find the exit of. It's hard to change your mind set when you read the autopsy and you just feel like there are no true answers. There's no true definite reason on why your baby died. The only thing you do know is that you were chosen to live this path, chosen to feel the greatest pain in the world, chosen to have something so horrific happen that you lost part of yourself. A part that can never be restored.

It showed how a marriage struggles. But it also showed the husband cheating and that bothered me. I don't want to live in a world where it is considered acceptable for either partner to cheat because of grief. Maybe it should be deemed acceptable, but sign me out. I hated that part of the movie. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I thought it was extremely inappropriate how they tried to portray it as normal. It isn't normal to go outside your marriage just like it isn't normal for a parent to bury their child. Agree with me or not, but that is my feelings on the topic.

The rest of it was very spot on and reassuring with it's accuracy.  How you love that your friends are having babies, but it hurts. How you appreciate everything about a little kid 10 times more than you probably would have if your child was still here. How at the end of the day I will always be Macie's mom and no one can ever take that away from me. How people will tell you it happens for a reason or that it is God's plan and you have to have faith and you want to scream at them to explain it to you because you don't understand, but you bite your tongue. How you feel like if you let go of the pain you lose her. How your afraid of everything.

At the end of the movie it showed that they had another child and the hope, love and joy was restored. This is the way I want my story to go as well. I cannot wait for the day that I am holding a baby in my arms again. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but even if it isn't for 2 years from now I still long for that day. I'm ready. I'm terrified, but ready. I can't wait to hold that baby and tell them all about their big sister Macie that will forever be watching over them and protecting them.

That's all for now.

Take Care,
Lisa

Turning 30

Hey Friends,

Well I made it. I am now 30! I don’t get all the hype, I feel the exact same I did a year ago. :) I had a lot of fun hanging out with my friends and spending close to a week celebrating. The people that I work with made it extra special with all of there "dooms day" things in my office and this past Saturday I went to Bushwhackers and most of my friends came, even some from KC that I don’t get to see that often so it was a great surprise! And I am now one more birthday closer to seeing Macie again.
 

The only one missing was Jenny. She was heavy on my mind all day and night. I never thought 26 would be the last year we would spend together celebrating each other’s birthdays and I never thought I would be hitting a century mark without her.  Her 30^th is fast approaching, May 28^th, and I know she’ll be celebrating and I’ll do my best to be happy that day and try to celebrate her and not be sad that she isn’t here for me to celebrate with her.

Every time I see this on Facebook it reminds me of Jenny. If you know me then you know I am obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I have never missed an episode and Jenny was “my person”.

 

 

 

As I reflect on turning 30 the next thing I think about is having another child. I have been saying "someday" for years now. The truth is I don't know when "someday" will happen. I don't know what is in the cards for me. I would love more than anything to have another child, I just don't know when that will happen at this point in my life. So for now I will continue to say, "someday".

 

Monday is Cinco de Mayo which was one of Jenny's favorite days. So in honor of all the years we celebrated it together I will be drinking a margarita, eating chips and salsa and saying "Happy Cinco de Mayo" (pronounced like the sandwich spread) and laugh thinking of her saying it and laughing until she was in tears. Sometimes the good memories ease my heartache a little.

 

Some days I just miss her and would do anything to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. The grief roller coaster usually hits at the most inappropriate times. I can be in the middle of my day and think of her and my eyes will fill with tears. No matter how much time has passed Toby Keith's Cryin' for Me will always be my "Jenny" song and it's below.

 

 



I hope everyone has a great weekend and I'll be back soon.

 

Take Care,
Lisa

 



 

T-Shirts!

Hey Friends,

 

Alesha (Lane's Mom) came into my life after her son Lane passed away from SIDS. While we hate that our babies passing away from SIDS brought us together we are beyond grateful that we have found each other and the friendship that has formed over the past few years.

In memory of Lane and Macie we are supporting SIDS Awareness May 9th.

Below are the amazing shirts we had created!

So here are the details on the shirts:
***All orders have to be in by APRIL 23RD!***
Shirts are $14 (Sizes Youth Small-XL) and $16 (Sizes 2XL-5XL).

If you want to order please contact us with your NAME, COLOR & SIZES!!

All proceeds will be donated to Boston Children's Hospital SIDS research in their names! And make sure to share this post!!

 

Sunday's

Hey Friends,

I have been trying to figure out for years now what it is about Sunday's. It is by far the hardest day of the week for me and no matter how great of a week I have had or what exciting thing took place, I always have a bit more sadness that comes over me on Sunday's. Maybe it is because it is the day of the week that I got to spend 24 hours straight with Macie. Realistically you would think I would hate Tuesday's since that is the day of the week she died or Monday's since she was buried the following Monday, but it will forever be Sunday's. I loved being a mom and on Sunday's the emotions surface.

Everyone has heard the saying "sometimes you just need a good cry". Before I lost Macie I didn't understand what this meant because I've never been a big crier. I mean maybe if we lost a big softball game I would have shed a tear, but I didn't understand grief and true unconditional love at that age. Well today for the first time in awhile I had that "good cry" that you hear about. I let all of my hurt, anger, confusion and grief surface and I cried, honestly I still have tears in my eyes and occasionally streaming down my face as I write this. The one thing I can't explain is my ability to keep it to myself. I had a friend call me in the middle and they had no idea I was crying because for whatever reason I can act like all is ok in a seconds time. When I got off the phone the tears stared again as I pressed play on the YouTube video (http://youtu.be/3zVSCa1wqX8) and listened to my little girl continue to coo and laugh. I can hear myself giggle on the video and I can hear how happy I was and it hurts my soul.

I made a decision a long time ago that I would stay strong. I would always put on a brave face and share Macie's story with grace not hate. My hope was that my story would help others while I continue to be the kind of person I know I have to be and want to be. I have to stay strong to survive.  I have tried very hard to be the same person I was before anything happened, however I don't know if that is even possible. I want to be the same bubbly girl that is always happy and positive, but sometimes on days like today it is hard to be that person when part of my heart is missing and forever broken. I'm glad I was by myself so I was able to let it out because with the amount of time I have spent crying it was obviously way overdue.

On days like today I don't always write, but for whatever reason I felt compelled to write today so maybe it is helping someone else to hear how I continue to survive day by day and one step at a time.

Take Care,
Lisa

Car Dancing

Hey Friends,

 

Driving to work I saw a girl in a car like Jenny used to drive car dancing. Since Jenny and I did this on so many occasions, ok lets be honest every time we were driving we were blaring Justin Timberlake and car dancing. I miss her every day, but some days are harder. Some days I’m sad and other days I’m angry and yet for some miraculous reason other days I can accept that I can’t pick up the phone and call my best friend. She’s gone and I miss her, all of her. While it made me smile at the memory it hurt my heart and made me want to bawl my eyes out. I can’t listen to Justin Timberlake without picturing her dancing next to me.  So today is a day where it is Grief-1, Lisa-0.

 

Here are a few picture's of Jenny and I dancing like we always did. :)

 

 

 

And her and I not dancing :)

 

I love you and miss you Jenny.

 

Take Care,
Lisa

 

 

*3 Years of Heartache*

Hey Friends,

Well tomorrow marks 3 years. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t seem possible or real life that it’s been 3 years since I saw Macie, held her, loved on her, recorded her cooing, ran into my best friends office yelling Macie was unresponsive and rushed to the hospital after the police called me. It's been 3 years since my nightmare. One thing that helps my heart is knowing that I am now one more January 25^th closer to seeing her again. It’s all about baby steps. The days I really struggle are the days when I feel like I’m forgetting things about her. I could watch her videos or look at pictures, but that’ll make the tears start and I’m not always at a place where it is ok to cry. Other days I’m ok and the days I’m not I take it hour by hour and give myself pep talks about being strong and making it through.

 The grief roller coaster is a wave of emotions. I never know when it’s going to hit, but when it does I get angry, I feel horrible pain and discouragement, I feel like a failure, I forget how to smile, I sleep too much or too little, I don't want to go out in public, but I miss seeing my friends, I don’t want to do anything, I am sad deep inside where it hurts my heart, I cry at strangely unexpected times, my hair turns gray overnight or starts falling out in the shower, I often think I’m crazy, my body aches and has all kinds of pain, I say things I wish I didn't. I’m far from perfect and I may not deal with it correctly, but I’m dealing with it the best that I can. The grief from child loss is not an illness or contagious. It  can’t be passed from person to person, but sometimes I feel like wearing a banner to let others know that it’s ok to talk to me about my daughter. If I cry it’s more than likely because I’m happy you brought her up without me having to. The isolation and loneliness of losing a child is sometimes unbearable honestly. And even though I know that death is supposed to be final, it’s not with child loss. She lives in me, through me, with me, and because of me forever and always.

Tomorrow is a day when I know the grief will hit. I will want to lock myself in a room and be by myself and sleep for 24 hours straight to avoid it. I won’t do that, but doesn’t that sound nice? I think so too. I know I’ll go to the cemetery and then I don’t know. I guess I’ll just see where the day takes me. I already know that I will hear from a lot of you and for that I am sincerely grateful. I love receiving kind words and messages showing your support and trying to give me strength. It truly means the world to me.

A good friend of mine posted this video a few weeks ago. It took me awhile to watch it because I knew it was going to make me cry and it did. I’m so thankful I watched it though. I can’t always put into words what this hole feels like that was left in my heart, but this mom explains grief and what I’m going through with pure accuracy.  

 



When picking songs for Macie’s funeral I had no idea where to begin. A girl that I worked with at the time sent me the song Held by Natalie Grant. It’s a song that I have found strength in and tomorrow is definitely a day where I will need to be “held”.

 

 

 

Take Care,
Lisa