Friday, May 20, 2011

Dear Macie

Dear Macie,
I wonder…

I wonder what you would look like today
I wonder what you would be doing
I wonder how baby food would be going
I wonder if you would be babbling since you were already cooing so much
I wonder if you would stay awake more and sleep longer at night
I wonder if you would be trying to get into the crawl stance yet
I wonder how old you would have been when you could have sat up by yourself
I wonder how much you would weigh
I wonder what color your eyes would be
I wonder if your hair would have turned totally blond or gotten darker
I wonder what size clothes you would be in
I wonder what toys you would like
I wonder what our nights would be like playing
I wonder if you would like pictures in books
I wonder about a million things

I wonder and I will forever wonder baby girl.

I miss you all the time.

Love,
Mommy

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Quote with Meaning

I had someone send this to me today and it is very true. This is how I feel.

A smart woman said, "If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards

Take Care,
Lisa

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Stormy Night

Hey Friends,

Crazy storms batman! Wow that was some horrible weather on my way home from Church. It was beautiful out when I was driving there and when it was over and I was leaving it started down pouring! I do love a good midwest storm as much as the next person, but I hate driving in them. I get so nervous!

When I was driving home a song came on the radio that had nothing to do with child loss, but some of the lyrics stuck out to me. It is A Little bit Stronger by Sarah Evans. The lyrics I'm referring to are:

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I love music and I am a firm believer that there is always a song to express what you are feeling. This song has nothing to do with child loss, but there were still lyrics within the song that I can relate to. It's true even on my weakest days I feel like I get a little bit stronger. My new "moto" is perfect for me... Surviving One Step at a Time!

Happy Hump Day Friends!

Take Care,
Lisa

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

New Look

Hey Friends,

Well as you are probably noticing I changed the layout. I decided I needed a blog title and should change my blog layout because I am changing. My journey is changing. Therefore a new format was in order! I'm not sure if I like it so it might change a few times in the next couple of days...stay tuned! :)

As mentioned above I did change my blog title and this I will not change again. I used to have Baby Macie because I didn't know where this road of "blogging" was going to take me for sure and I knew it was going to be about my daughter so I kept it simple. Well now I know that this blog has been one entry after another of me surviving by taking it one step at a time. You would think a blog title would take a long time to think of, but it came to me instantly when I decided I needed one. Therefore I know it is perfect.

I spent most of my night creating a blog button. That is a lot of work when you have no idea what you are doing. Luckily I found a GREAT tutorial online that walked me through it step-by-step. In case any of my friends out there need to create a blog button this is what I used: How to create a Blog Button. I must admit I am a little addicted to Google. I seriously Google Search EVERYTHING! :)

Take Care,
Lisa

Monday, May 9, 2011

Stronger? Maybe?

Hey Friends,

I woke up this morning and felt like I could have slept for another 12 hours. Apparently my overly emotional day yesterday drained me more than I had expected. I felt like I was in a daze this morning. I was so groggy. And when I woke up I looked over into Macie's crib like I do every morning and have every morning since she was born. Her crib is in our room right next to our bed and we haven't taken it out and I don't know when I will be ready for it to move. Usually when I see it first thing in the morning my eyes will start to fill up so I quickly get up and jump in the shower. However this morning a strange thing happened. When I woke up and looked at it my eyes didn't fill up. Instead I just sat there for a couple minutes and prayed for strength and peace and I survived. It still hurts, but I felt stronger at the same time. It may be a fluke, but it was a different feeling and I have no idea if this is considered a step forward or not.

This week is also a big week because we will cross yet another milestone. Macie was here for 3 months and 19 days and she will have been gone 3 months and 19 days this Saturday. Sunday marks a new day, a new journey. Sunday marks 3 months and 20 days since our precious little girl got her Angel Wings. It's hard to believe that's it's been that long since I have held her. 

Take Care,
Lisa

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Hard Day

Hey Friends,
One thing that popped in my head this morning was that I am a childless mother on Mother's Day. Yes Macie will always be in my heart and will always be my daughter, but she isn't here anymore and therefore I am childless. I kept telling myself today was going to be ok and that I will make it through. I try to mentally prepare myself for the extra hard days and today it didn't work. I just feel blah and depressed today. When I woke up I just started crying. I have thought of so many things I should be doing vs. what I am doing because I have had to endure the hardest thing any mother will ever encounter. My daughter is in Heaven and so today is not a good day. I'm not trying to sound angry or hateful, but today is just down right impossible.
Below is the first picture taken of Macie & I. Don't mind how horrible I look, I had literally just had her. :)
Take Care,
Lisa

Friday, May 6, 2011

Cinco de Mayo!

Hey Friends,

Well I hope everyone has been having a good week so far.

Yesterday, Cinco de Mayo, was one of Jenny’s favorite holidays. Any reason to drink a Margarita and eat Chips & Salsa was always one of Jenny’s favorites. Last night Chris brought up how she used to say it and we both smiled. She would pronounce Mayo like the sandwich spread to be funny and it always made me laugh. :)

Also, a year ago yesterday was the day we had the BIG ultrasound. It was the day we found out that Macie was a girl and the race to find the perfect girl name began. I had so many that I liked and Chris had his favorites and we couldn’t agree on one until we heard the name Macie. Once we heard the name Macie we knew it was perfect and that would be our little girl’s name. Macie Elizabeth. And she was perfect. Her first name means Weapon and her middle name means God is my Oath. Not that it matters at all what her name means nor did I need to know. I just found it interesting.

In one of my previous posts I had thanked Shila for making all of the hair bows for Team M that were sold at my work and in the KC area. Well she has started her own Facebook page and I would love it if you would go to her page and click 'Like'. She is making Hair Bows for different causes and she is 100% non-profit. She is just trying to help whoever and however she can!! Here is the link: Just BOWcause...all tied up with a purpose!

I had the poem below sent to me by one of my friends in honor of Mother’s Day. It is very true, but did cause me to be very teary eyed when I got done reading it. It was nice of her to think of me though.

Well if I am not on here again until after Sunday I hope all of you Mom’s out there have a Great Mother’s Day!!

Take Care,
Lisa

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Quick Notes

Hey Friends,

I don't have a lot to report, but I came across this quote this afternoon and it is so true for me today so I thought I would share it with all of you!

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."


I was catching up on my friends' blogs last night and Kellie had posted this poem. I really like it and it is very true so I wanted to share it as well!

My shoes...
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I hope everyone has a nice relaxing night before the work week begins again!

Take Care,
Lisa