Elkhorn

I took Max to music class last night in Elkhorn. Driving in Elkhorn and seeing all of the blue ribbons for Lane pulled at my heart. I love how the community came together and rallied for this family, it makes me honored to be from a state and a community that is genuine with true Midwest charm. I’m proud to be a Nebraskan. I was overcome with emotion and couldn’t help but cry for that family, for that mom. In the English language there are orphans, widows, widowers, but there is no word for a parent who loses a child because that is how horrible the loss is. When you lose a child you are haunted with a lifetime of wonder and ‘what if’s’. 

To that mom- You don’t know me, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to live through this nightmare. I’m sorry you have to discover a strength within yourself you may not have known you had. I’m sorry your life will always be defined by before and after the day your son died. I’m sorry you have to learn a “new normal”. I’m sorry you have to sit in his room knowing he will never sleep in his bed again. I’m sorry you are going to look at his toys and remember the joy they brought him and the pain it’s going to cause in your heart. I’m sorry for the physical pain you will feel in your arms because they are now empty. I’m sorry you had to live through burying your child. I’m sorry you’re never going to experience his first day of kindergarten, graduation, his wedding, his kids, and all of the other milestones… there are so many things people can say, but I’m just so sorry. I have cried for you, hurt for you, and prayed for you. 

There are going to be days when you want to punch something- do it. If you want to sit in a closet to hide and cry- do it. If you want to blare music or scream at God- do it. No one can tell you “the right way” to handle this situation because how you need to process this tragedy is the right way, remember that. It’s sad, but we live in a world where everyone thinks they are the perfect parent and it is OK to blame or shame other parents, ignore them. The most flawed individuals are the quickest to point fingers and blame others.

 As the days pass I will always pray for you and I pray God wraps you in his arms as everything is felt and just holds you close.

Take Care,
Lisa

Far too LONG!

Hey Friends,

I know there has been a lot of time that has passed, but I have thought about writing so that counts...right? Maybe? Ok, ok I know it has been FAR too long! Luckily most of you are friends with me on Facebook so you know I have been busy with Miss Max and she is getting busier each day.

So Max arrived 9/22/15 at 4:24pm weighing 8 pounds 1 ounce and 21 inches long. She came into this world showing her personality from the start. If she is upset about something she is not afraid to let you know and will continue to let you know until it is fixed. I think she is going to be a very strong willed little girl, but we shall see!

When I was pregnant with her I prayed a lot asking God to have her features resemble what I needed in my heart. I had no idea what was going to help my broken heart. Some days I wanted her to look just like Macie and other days I wanted her to look nothing like Macie, therefore I prayed.  There were so many times I remember being home alone and just getting on my knees and praying and having long conversations with God about guiding me and helping my heart and for him to give me strength and the tools I needed to be the best mom I could be for Maxene. To say I was scared might be an understatement. I don't think I have ever been so terrified of anything, in my life, as I was when I was pregnant. I mean lets face it, Max was my 3rd pregnancy and she is my only living child. I think worrying and being scared was justified.

When Max arrived I cried, a lot. It makes me teary eyed just thinking and reminiscing about the day she joined us. Yes I was in pain, but nothing I hadn't experienced before or couldn't handle. I just remember the first time I saw her I was so happy that I was bursting at the seams and my hormones were a little out of wack so instead of just smiling and being happy, I cried. I couldn't believe it, she was here. All of the tears, false pregnancy tests, miscarriage, mixed emotions... SHE WAS HERE! My rainbow baby.

Max will be 8 months on May 22nd (I feel like time is flying!), I love watching her discover and learn new things. It's so fun watching her get excited over colors or certain toys. With as much as I love it, I would by lying if I didn't say it can be hard. It's difficult experiencing first hand what I missed out on with Macie. I wish Macie was here to be my little "helper" and for Max to look up to her big sister and so they could be best friends, but do their normal sibling bickering. Yes I'm wishing I had children that were bickering. :)

I'm sure there is plenty more to say, but that I all I have for tonight and I promise to start writing again more frequently!!

Take Care,
Lisa