I have said it before, but I will say it again. Grief is an unpredictable roller coaster (to say the least!). The days that I think should be hard aren't as hard as I make them out to be in my head and the days that I'm not prepared I get hit like a ton of bricks!
Saturday we had a company get together for Chris' work and I never thought this would bother me, but the thought of going to a family function just hurt. We are not longer a complete family, It was 2 then 3 and now back to 2 and it kills me :(.... I believe thinking about this caused the break-down. Let me elaborate... I woke up Saturday morning got some things done around the house and then went into Macie's room and just sat and stared at everything. Macie was suppose to get her 4 month pictures taken the day she passed away and her clothes were still in the bag in her drawer unopened and untouched. I decided to lay each outfit out on the bed with the headband just like I had done the night before she passed away. I still remember doing this. I had propped her on the bed and was asking her if she liked the outfits I had picked and I showed her each one while she cooed at me and kicked her feet and smiled. When I was laying each outfit out on the bed the sadness was unbearable and I lost it. I cried for a long time and just kept saying, "Why" in my head and out loud for a long time. Then I noticed my phone was ringing and it was my brother. I quickly pulled myself together and answered. He had me laughing within the first 10 seconds. I had planned on bawling my eyes out to him for the umteenmillionth time, but I'm glad he had me laughing. I don't know how he does it, but he always manages to call or text at the right time. Maybe there is such a thing as a sibling connection like a twin connection. I have no idea?!?!
Saturday morning while I was having my break-down I kept listening to the song that we had chosen for Macie's funeral. It says "when everything is felt, let them be held." It is below if you would like to listen to it.
Take Care,
Lisa
Praying for you. You guys have been on my mind a lot lately. My heart breaks for you. I know that it is hard and just like you said when we are at our lowest that is when someone we love dearly, calls, shows up, text, etc. to let us know that they care and just put a smile on our face. Macie is so beautiful and I know that she is so proud of you and Chris!!!
ReplyDeleteI am totally the same way. We lost Maddox when he was four months old. His first birthday is next month. I hate family functions any more. It is just a reminder that everyone else is happy and has their family, but our family and broken, ruined, and missing the most important person. I always break down at them and make Ron leave early. Any event or holiday, it just hits liek crazy, it is just a reminder that it is a special day for everyone else, but for us, it is supposed to be a special day with our baby. <3 hugs <3
ReplyDeletepraying for you ♥
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say I'm thinking about you. Laying out your daughter's closed was a beautiful action. And one that shows just how strong you are. I can feel your heartbreak through your words and I'm so very sorry you have to go through it. There's not much I can say to make you feel better, but you and your sweet girl are on my mind and will continue to be. I lost my niece last night and don't even know what to do. I can't help but be devastated beyond belief because I know its only going to get harder for my sister. I wish with everything in me there was something to easy ya'lls pain. Until then I will continue to pray for what ever can comfort you. So glad I found your blog. I will share it with my sister in the next few days. Love to you all!
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