I have said it before, but I will say it again. Grief is an unpredictable roller coaster (to say the least!). The days that I think should be hard aren't as hard as I make them out to be in my head and the days that I'm not prepared I get hit like a ton of bricks!
Saturday we had a company get together for Chris' work and I never thought this would bother me, but the thought of going to a family function just hurt. We are not longer a complete family, It was 2 then 3 and now back to 2 and it kills me :(.... I believe thinking about this caused the break-down. Let me elaborate... I woke up Saturday morning got some things done around the house and then went into Macie's room and just sat and stared at everything. Macie was suppose to get her 4 month pictures taken the day she passed away and her clothes were still in the bag in her drawer unopened and untouched. I decided to lay each outfit out on the bed with the headband just like I had done the night before she passed away. I still remember doing this. I had propped her on the bed and was asking her if she liked the outfits I had picked and I showed her each one while she cooed at me and kicked her feet and smiled. When I was laying each outfit out on the bed the sadness was unbearable and I lost it. I cried for a long time and just kept saying, "Why" in my head and out loud for a long time. Then I noticed my phone was ringing and it was my brother. I quickly pulled myself together and answered. He had me laughing within the first 10 seconds. I had planned on bawling my eyes out to him for the umteenmillionth time, but I'm glad he had me laughing. I don't know how he does it, but he always manages to call or text at the right time. Maybe there is such a thing as a sibling connection like a twin connection. I have no idea?!?!
Saturday morning while I was having my break-down I kept listening to the song that we had chosen for Macie's funeral. It says "when everything is felt, let them be held." It is below if you would like to listen to it.