The closer it is getting to Macie's first birthday the harder my days are getting, but none of the past 8 months of my life have been easy. Maybe the daze I have been walking around in is started to diminish, maybe the strength I tried to have is fading, maybe it is because it is the 25th and a Sunday which are both hard days for me, maybe it is just because I'm heart broken and celebrating her birthday without her here is enough to kill me. I may not have the answer, but I feel the pain. And with her first birthday approaching I know from October 6th-January 25th I will sit and think....."a year ago today I was doing this with Macie...."
To celebrate Macie's first birthday we have decided to do a balloon release with close friends and family in the church parking lot where her funeral took place. I know this probably isn't the best way to explain it, but I'm at a lack of words- this sucks. I hate that she isn't here and we have to celebrate her life with a balloon release rather than gathering around watching her eat cake and everything else you do at a 1st birthday party. I know I will survive it just like I have somehow managed to survive the past 8 months, but it hurts.
I went to a get together this past week with other SIDS mom's in KC. It was probably the best thing I have done. Being able to share my story and listen to other's stories helped me. I have known that I am not the only one, but seeing them in person and talking with them made me realize how much I am not alone. I hate that I know them because of this, but thankful they are here and we can be there for each other. It also made me realize that I'm not the only one that thinks people are crazy when they say certain things to a SIDS mom. I'm not the only one who cringes when someone walks up to you and just starts talking about their baby. Yes I want to be treated normal and don't want people walking on egg shells around me, but hearing about another child's milestones that Macie will never hit still hurts. Maybe someday when Chris and I decide to have another baby this won't hurt so bad, but right now it does. I don't know when we will all get together again, but I am looking forward to it because being around the other mom's helps me.
Until next time.