Tuesday, November 15, 2011

OB + Why Today?

Hey Friends,

Well I met my new OB on Friday and really like her. I cried....a lot, but it went really well and hopefully she doesn't think I'm too crazy. :) I'm just kidding, I know she doesn't! I think all of the questions combined with my pre-existing nerves just aligned for me to be a teary-eyed, runny nose mess the whole time. I was able to answer all of her questions and I loved that she really listened to me, my fears, some concerns and what I want next time around. She said I didn't need another check until next November, but I told her of my plan to be pregnant within the next year and she said she better see me back here with exciting news before next November then! This put me at ease for some reason. Maybe the reality of having another child? Maybe the reassurance that I have found the right doctor for me? Maybe the fact that it was over and all of my emotions that I had been holding in and letting fester until the appointment had arrived were finally out? I honestly think it was just a combination of everything. When I got out of the appointment I sat in my car and cried a little more, composed myself and headed to work.

Chris and I have decided that a spring baby is what we are hoping for....however I don't know if I can wait until June to get pregnant! I want a baby- NOW! Like right now. However, I also know that even if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I still have 9 months to wait. Macie was born in the fall and while I would like to believe the time of year had NOTHING to do with us losing her we aren't sure and they say there is a higher risk for SIDS if you have a fall/winter baby so we are waiting. However, then my mind starts to wonder because I know of other SIDS mom's who have had babies in the spring/summer and they have had the same tragedy in their lives that we have had. So I guess there really is no "right" time, but only when it feels "right" to us.

It doesn't matter how much time has passed some days are just a lot harder than others. For some reason today was REALLY hard on me. Harder than a "normal" day. Today I feel like it was yesterday. My heart is broken and I have fought back bawling all day. For some reason when I got home I wanted to try to figure out why today was so hard, yes it is Tuesday but I have come to terms with the fact that Tuesdays come around every 7 days whether I like it or not. No it isn't the 6th or 25th. Then it finally dawned on me...maybe my heart is hurting because a year ago today it was the start of my last week of maternity leave. It was the last week of it being just Macie and I all day and all night, together 24/7. In a few short days I was heading back to work. I remember dreading it because I didn't want to leave her, ever. Now I look back and wonder why I went back to work? Why didn't I take 12 weeks of maternity leave? If I would have would she still be here? Would I not have to know what this feels like? While I can sit here and say woulda, coulda, shoulda...it doesn't change reality. But I am also human and sit and wonder a lot.

I was wondering how long it had been for sure today so I googled Jan 25th to Nov15th + time passed... this is what it said: 9 months, 3 weeks = 294 days = 7,056 hours = 423,360 minutes = 25,401,600 seconds. Feels like eternity + a day to me.

Hopefully tomorrow I am able to cope a little more.

Take Care,


  1. Macie's days were all ordained for her, before she was even born. She was called to Heaven much too early in our opinions, but God knows what He is doing. Macie is special. She needed to be here for a short time, and then return to God. Praying for you always, in everything you do! ((hugs))

  2. I'm proud of you for getting through today! I'm sure that was so hard. I'm really happy you are considering trying again. I think it will help your heart in so many ways. <3 Love you and thinking of you and Macie.
    Much Love,

  3. My heart aches with understanding for you...the fears, the desire to have another, crying thru a dr appt...I get it. Praying for your heart as you venture thru more uncertain days. having another baby for me has been hard - but well worth it. thinking of you.