I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...
Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.
Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!
A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...
Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.
I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.