Well I finally did it. I completed Macie's memory book. Was it hard? Yes. Did I cry and constantly wonder, what if? Yes, but that is my new "norm" now. I love that it is done and I know it is something I will enjoy daily. I feel horrible it took me so long to do and it is something I always wanted, but I guess I just wasn't ready until now. I actually wasn't even sure if I was going to complete it this time around. The post below this has a link that will take you to the book I created if you would like to view it. Once I receive mine and realize it turned out ok (I have never used shutterfly before) then I'm going to order one for my mom and Chris' mom, I think they will enjoy them as much as me!
I know I am not on here as often as I should be, but I was starting to feel like a broken record. Life still isn't easy, but somehow 15 months later I'm still surviving. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. How? Some days I have no idea. But at this point I consider myself a survivor. I have survived burrying my only child. I have survived by being able to carry on and find a new normal. Whatever you may consider normal that is. No matter how much I try to survive this I still have questions that will forever wonder around in my head...I wonder what she is doing, is she with Jenny?, what she looks like, what her voice would have sounded like, if she would have had hair yet, can she see me? As much as I know there isn't a force in this world that can bring her back some days it's hard to fathem that I will never see her again on this earth.
Macie passing isn't a topic I like discussing in a lot of detail. I will every once in awhile and mostly only with Chris and when I start to feel myself get emotional I shut down and change the subject. This past Saturday I was hanging out with one of my really good friends and discussed the day Macie passed from start to finish. Every moment, every minute, every detail. I don't know what it means that I was finally able to have this conversation other than maybe it was another step in my healing. And by having this conversation I actually learned a thing or two about that day that I had forgotten or never knew. I was finally able to put all of the pieces together from that horrible day. However, being the strong headed person that I am I was able to keep all of my emotions under control until I got home. I felt so much better afterwards though. It was like I was finally able to release all of pressure I kept inside by not talking about it. I cried for a very long time that night and the next morning, but when I was done shedding all of my tears I felt calm. It was an odd feeling and one that I wasn't expecting to ever experience after crying and grieving for my daughter. However, I have heard that grief is a crazy roller coaster that will strike when you least expect it and take you on turns you never thought imaginebale so maybe this was just another turn in my journey. My journey of coping, surviving, living, dreaming for the day when I hold Macie's brother or sister in my arms. That is all I have for now...