Well tomorrow marks 3 years. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t seem possible or real life that it’s been 3 years since I saw Macie, held her, loved on her, recorded her cooing, ran into my best friends office yelling Macie was unresponsive and rushed to the hospital after the police called me. It's been 3 years since my nightmare. One thing that helps my heart is knowing that I am now one more January 25th closer to seeing her again. It’s all about baby steps. The days I really struggle are the days when I feel like I’m forgetting things about her. I could watch her videos or look at pictures, but that’ll make the tears start and I’m not always at a place where it is ok to cry. Other days I’m ok and the days I’m not I take it hour by hour and give myself pep talks about being strong and making it through.
The grief roller coaster is a wave of emotions. I never know when it’s going to hit, but when it does I get angry, I feel horrible pain and discouragement, I feel like a failure, I forget how to smile, I sleep too much or too little, I don't want to go out in public, but I miss seeing my friends, I don’t want to do anything, I am sad deep inside where it hurts my heart, I cry at strangely unexpected times, my hair turns gray overnight or starts falling out in the shower, I often think I’m crazy, my body aches and has all kinds of pain, I say things I wish I didn't. I’m far from perfect and I may not deal with it correctly, but I’m dealing with it the best that I can. The grief from child loss is not an illness or contagious. It can’t be passed from person to person, but sometimes I feel like wearing a banner to let others know that it’s ok to talk to me about my daughter. If I cry it’s more than likely because I’m happy you brought her up without me having to. The isolation and loneliness of losing a child is sometimes unbearable honestly. And even though I know that death is supposed to be final, it’s not with child loss. She lives in me, through me, with me, and because of me forever and always.
Tomorrow is a day when I know the grief will hit. I will want to lock myself in a room and be by myself and sleep for 24 hours straight to avoid it. I won’t do that, but doesn’t that sound nice? I think so too. I know I’ll go to the cemetery and then I don’t know. I guess I’ll just see where the day takes me. I already know that I will hear from a lot of you and for that I am sincerely grateful. I love receiving kind words and messages showing your support and trying to give me strength. It truly means the world to me.
A good friend of mine posted this video a few weeks ago. It took me awhile to watch it because I knew it was going to make me cry and it did. I’m so thankful I watched it though. I can’t always put into words what this hole feels like that was left in my heart, but this mom explains grief and what I’m going through with pure accuracy.
When picking songs for Macie’s funeral I had no idea where to begin. A girl that I worked with at the time sent me the song Held by Natalie Grant. It’s a song that I have found strength in and tomorrow is definitely a day where I will need to be “held”.