Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m really good with dates. A year ago today is when I felt every emotion one person can feel. I woke up ecstatic and by the end of the day my heart was broken because I would soon find out I was going to miscarry. I have been very open about my child loss journey from the beginning and today is just another day that will forever leave an imprint on my heart and the wonder of the unknown or what could have been on my mind. I should have a 4 year old and 4 month old in the back of my vehicle when I’m driving down the road, but I don’t. I should have a house full of a little girls laughter and hearing baby giggles, but I don’t. And even though I don’t have those things I try my best daily to never throw a pity party either. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me, I was chose to live this life and I do it to the best of my ability.
Until you have been through something like this it is impossible to explain and there’s no way to know how strong of a person you are until you are smacked in the face with tragedy. While I can’t explain why I can tell you that I definitely have a desire to be strong all the time and never show weakness. I never want to have the reputation of being “the mom that lost it”. I have and will always be the one to put on a strong front even if I’m dying on the inside and try to show grace, but sometimes I don’t understand why I’m so concerned about how I’m perceived because it isn’t like any of us are going to make it out alive.
But even through everything for the first time I’m excited for the future and 76 days from now when Maxene is due. To say I’m scared could be the understatement of the century, but I’m ready. I’m so ready for this journey even with all of the emotions and fears that are surfacing. I can’t wait for the day when I can hold her in my arms and stare at her perfect little face.