The past 2 weeks have been awful to sum it up in the least. As many of you saw on Facebook a few weeks ago Chris and I were so ecstatic to announce that Macie was going to be a big sister. I can't even begin to explain the happiness, hope, love and excitement that came with that positive pregnancy test. I was so happy I bursted into tears. I couldn't believe my eyes. Finally after a lot of negative pregnancy tests and thinking it was never going to happen it was finally positive. I was finally pregnant.
Our first doctor's appointment was on July 15th. We were so excited that morning to go to the doctor and see our little rainbow baby that we were basically skipping and whistling the whole way in. They ran through the normal intake paperwork and then they go to the part that I was dreading. How many living children...it's like being punched in the stomach when I get asked that question and I know I'm going to have to explain Macie's life from the pregnancy, labor, and everything up until she passed. Chris did a great job of answering most of those questions because he knows how much I hate them.
When they did the ultra sound the PA couldn't find the heart beat and thought maybe it was her machine or I wasn't as far along as I had thought so they sent me up to radiology to get a more detailed ultra sound. It only took the chance that something may be wrong for me to turn into water works. The tears came and I couldn't hold back. I cried up to radiology, cried in the room, cried during the ultra sound, cried after, you get the idea. I was scared something was wrong. When they measured the babies heart beat and it was 55 my heart sank because I knew something was wrong. I remember Macie's being 160. I knew 55 wasn't good.
After we were done in radiology we went back downstairs and waited on the doctor. We waiting 20 minutes, but it seriously felt like hours and I couldn't stop pacing. The doctor walked in and said, "I don't have good news" and the grief hit like a ton of bricks. That feeling I recognized. I started bawling uncontrollably.
The babies heartbeat was weak and it was only a matter of time before the baby passed and I may miscarry on my own. We were sent on our way and scheduled to return the following Monday, July 21. I sat in the parking lot and cried for awhile. I was so sad, mad, disappointed, angry and the grief just wouldn't stop.
Tuesday to the following Monday could have been the longest 6 days of my life. When we went in Monday and got the ultra sound it was confirmed that there was no longer a heart beat. The baby had passed and I hadn't miscarried on my own so I would need surgery the next day to remove the baby. That conversation was a blur, but luckily Chris was listening. Next thing I knew I was back at the hospital Tuesday morning bright and early and ready for the surgery. It was outpatient so I was home that afternoon and stayed home Wednesday too so I could recover. I was fully recovered from the surgery within a few days.
Tuesday is the day of the week Macie passed, the day we found out about this baby and the day of my surgery. It's probably going to take me awhile to warm up to Tuesdays. As for now I hate Tuesdays because in my world bad things happen on Tuesdays.
I've proven how strong of a person I am and I know I will survive this with the same dignity and grace that I have always had. I know some are worried I will become wreck less, but it isn't who I am. I haven't lost all hope in the world and I'm not going to crumble or break. Yes I'm sad, but I'm ok too. I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other just as I always have.
I don't have much more to say at this time other than I am no longer pregnant and that is what happened with our rainbow baby.