Monday, February 28, 2011

Turn Left

Hey Friends,
Every time I leave my house and head out to Ward Road I want to turn left at the stop light. Left is the way I turned to go to the babysitter's. Right is the way to work. I don't ever want to go right without going left first. Well this afternoon when I was heading into work I wasn't thinking and did turn left. I just started out doing my normal routine and when I got to the high school I realized what I had done, pulled into the parking lot and lost it. I picked up my phone to call Chris, but decided not to call. I know Macie wasn't in the backseat in her car seat. I know Macie isn't here. I know I will never need to turn left again. But just because I know doesn't mean I want to face reality. I want her to be at the babysitter's and I want to go get her. I want to play with her. I want to hear her cooing at me. I want to see her smile. I want my routine back. I miss it. I miss rushing each morning. I miss her cute stretches each morning when I would wake her up and her big yawn.  I miss her grip on my finger. I simply miss every little detail about her. I miss my baby. Sometimes I feel like my arms weigh 100 pounds each and I physically ache to hold her. I know my life is different and I have to get used to a "new normal", but I don't want to. I currently have no desire to discover what my "new normal" will be. All I know is that I went from the mom with a newborn baby girl who will show you a million pictures and tell you a hundred stories to the mom who lost her baby and will never have a new picture to show or a new story to tell.
Take Care,


  1. Turning left is also part of finding a new path to your future. Don't force yourself not to...your heart will let you know when you no longer NEED to turn left. Trust in your heart and trust in God and when the time is right and you are in a good place with you and Macie, she will lead you in the right direction! So for now just follow your heart...feel the hurt, miss your child, and keep on writing. Your words are beautiful and an inspiration to the rest of us! Friends with God, Lil

  2. Take all the time you need Lisa. No one can get you to that "new normal" but yourself. And maybe that will never happen. And thats okay. She left an imprint on your heart that will always remain. Keep having faith in God and he will lead you in the right direction.