Every time I leave my house and head out to Ward Road I want to turn left at the stop light. Left is the way I turned to go to the babysitter's. Right is the way to work. I don't ever want to go right without going left first. Well this afternoon when I was heading into work I wasn't thinking and did turn left. I just started out doing my normal routine and when I got to the high school I realized what I had done, pulled into the parking lot and lost it. I picked up my phone to call Chris, but decided not to call. I know Macie wasn't in the backseat in her car seat. I know Macie isn't here. I know I will never need to turn left again. But just because I know doesn't mean I want to face reality. I want her to be at the babysitter's and I want to go get her. I want to play with her. I want to hear her cooing at me. I want to see her smile. I want my routine back. I miss it. I miss rushing each morning. I miss her cute stretches each morning when I would wake her up and her big yawn. I miss her grip on my finger. I simply miss every little detail about her. I miss my baby. Sometimes I feel like my arms weigh 100 pounds each and I physically ache to hold her. I know my life is different and I have to get used to a "new normal", but I don't want to. I currently have no desire to discover what my "new normal" will be. All I know is that I went from the mom with a newborn baby girl who will show you a million pictures and tell you a hundred stories to the mom who lost her baby and will never have a new picture to show or a new story to tell.