Hey Friends,
You can read the acknowledgement of the book that I have been asked to write. Will I finish this, I don't know. But I have been asked to write it so I just might!
Summary
If you are reading this then it is for one of two things, either you know me or my husband or you have lost a child. If you know us then we are eternally grateful for your love and support. If you have lost a child then let me start by saying I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that you know this pain, that you have to experience life without your baby. Is it fair? In my opinion-No. Plain and simple.
If you were chosen to be an angel mom or dad then life as you know it is forever shattered. Is there a happy ending? Maybe. I can tell you that I do not have the answers on how your life will be. This book is about life as I have known it for the past year. Will your journey be the same as mine? Maybe and maybe not. Each journey is different just like every child is different. There may be some differences or some similarities, but the point is to share my journey with you. My journey through the good, the bad, the ugly and the coping. Day 1 I had no idea how I was ever going to go on. I remember saying, "I have nothing left to live for" and it's a true statement and one that you may be feeling. When you lose a child you feel like your journey is over and there is nothing left. You have given it your all and everything you had you gave to your child and there is nothing left in you. Unfortunately, I may not have the answers you have been seeking, but I will break down each month for you and what it was like for me being an angel mom for the first year.
Take Care,
Lisa
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Angelversary
Hey Friends,
Well here we are, here it is...the worse day a year later. We went to Nebraska and spent our daughter's 1st angelversary with our family. We didn't have a set plan, but it turned out exactly the way it was suppose to and exactly how we needed it to be. We were showered with love and prayers from all over- thank you! And we had our family close by to lean on. As I sit at home tonight I can't help but remember what I was doing exactly a year ago today at this time and that is how my day started and how it will end. I'm sure the next week will be just as hard as today with the memories of following her to Nebraska, planning her funeral, seeing her in the casket for the first time, the viewing, the funeral, the burial and everything in between.
Chris and I cannot begin to thank each of you enough for all that you have done for us this past year. We truly appreciate it!!
Today hurts. Today marks only the first year I have survived life without my daughter and I'm not sure how many more of these there will be...30, 40, 50? When I think of it long term I have to stop because I know how bad the pain and 1 year hurts and the thought of 50 more is like a dagger being shot into my heart. I'm sorry, but tonight all there is to write about is the pain and the grief. It hurts, so badly.
Today we went to the cemetery with our family. It was the first time that we went to Macie's spot with anyone besides ourselves. It was so nice to have them there with us. They left and Chris and I stayed for a few minutes longer and cried, talked about how long it had been, and that we are ready to be parents again. When we will start that journey I'm not sure. But step #1 we are both ready or as ready as we can be I guess which is a big step for us.
When we go to Macie's spot there is a figurine there that means a lot to me. I have posted it above along with the poem that is associated with it below. I love that it is there, right next to her headstone and that is where it will sit forever.
When God Calls Little Children
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child, Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold, so He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few, To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, show how we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children...Angels are hard to find.
Thank you again & Take Care,
Lisa
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Birthday & 1 Year
Hey Friends,
Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.
I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.
I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.
There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....
This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.
I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.
Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper
Take Care,
Lisa
Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.
I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.
I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.
There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....
This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.
I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.
Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper
Take Care,
Lisa
Holidays
Hey Friends,
I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...
Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.
Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!
A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...
Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.
I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.
Take Care,
Lisa
I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...
Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.
Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!
A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...
Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.
I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.
Take Care,
Lisa
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