Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.
I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.
I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.
There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....
This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.
I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.
Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper