I know it's been awhile and honestly it's been too long...
Well Christmas is approaching...will it ever get easier? At the moment I'm convinced the answer is and will always be no. Christmas was always my favorite time of year, my parents made a big deal about it and I loved it. I loved our traditions and wanted to continue them on. I loved looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate and pretty much everything Christmas. Now I hate Christmas and simply because it's painful. I'm reminded of all of the what ifs and what should have been. We should be decorating our tree with our 2 year old daughter and not just the 2 of us. We should be driving around and looking at Christmas lights and driving by the houses that Macie likes a million times. I'm just struggling today. Struggling to keep it together and to accept the reality that is my life. I don't get to know what anything would be like with Macie. I don't get to know what she would be into this year or what the big gift would be that she would love. I have a lot of friends that have children around Macie's age and every time they tell me about their kids I love it, but I always wonder if she would be into the same thing. I know I sound like a downer and I'm sorry, but tonight it's hard and the reality is setting in that Christmas is fast approaching and it simply hurts. However, with as much as it hurts I know Christmas cannot be over looked and come Christmas I will put on my brave face and smile just as I did last year and try to push the pain down so no one notices how much I'm crying on the inside. I miss my daughter and I know that no force in this world can bring her back and reality hurts. I have heard the phrase that times heals. Well whoever came up with that phrase doesn't know what it's like to lose a child. Maybe they do, but tonight I feel like they don't as it doesn't matter how much time passes some days it still feels like yesterday.
Tonight Chris and I were supposed to go to the SIDS candle lighting like we did last year. We were planning on going. When it came time to go the emotions came and I couldn't bring myself to go light a candle. I couldn't get over the fact that it's so unfair and the tears wouldn't stop. Maybe it would have helped, but I honestly felt like tonight it would have made it worse rather than better.
I try not to sound negative and I'm sorry that this post is very negative and a lot of emotions. I have had a very heavy heart lately and my blog is my outlet where I can share my emotions. A little while ago I watched all of Macie's videos. I normally don't watch them because it rips at my heart. The first one brought a smile to my face. She was such a happy and pretty baby. I should have stopped there, but I kept going until I watched all of them and I think that is what made all of my emotions come to surface. Most of the time I keep it together, but every once in awhile there is that day that just gets me (The grief rollercoaster is real, I swear!). And maybe today is just harder than most because I looked at the date and know that it is the day she was 2 months old and I remember the day 2 years ago. I don't know why, but I can remember dates and what happened very well.
With all of my emotions I do hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas. Maybe in a few days I will feel in the Christmas spirit and maybe today is just a "bad" day.