I went to the cemetery today. I looked at the date and the first thing that popped into my head is that her headstone was put in 3 years ago today. The Tuesday before Memorial Day. Seems fitting since she died on a Tuesday that her headstone was put in on a Tuesday, but I guess those are things only a mother remembers. When I was at the cemetery I took everything down and scrubbed every centimeter of her headstone, the cement, the vase, the letters, everything. I needed it to look perfect and polished. I needed it to be different. It has looked the same for the past few years and I was ready for it to change. I got new flowers and a type I had never put there before, I removed the clutter, and got 2 new statues to place there. Once I was done cleaning and visiting Macie's spot I went to Jenny's and visited her and made sure it looked perfect, which is did as always. I do this weekly, but I'm glad I went today and didn't wait until Monday to visit Macie's spot. I know I'll go Monday again and I may even go tomorrow. Sometimes going and visiting and talking brings me peace.
I just finished watching the movie Return to Zero. I knew it was about a couple losing their first child and the stages of grief. It is a movie that I wanted to see, but hurt so deeply. I don't think watching it alone was my greatest idea, yet I think it is exactly what I needed. Some of the movie struck nerves with how real it was yet it was comforting to know my journey is normal. It showed them trying to cope with alcohol and separately and smoking cigarettes and the isolation you feel when you lose a child and are trying to figure out how to cope. Trying to find that new normal. It illustrated them grieving separately and them asking the other one how they are and the response was always, I'm fine or I'm great. It's true and is a normal reaction. You are already so vulnerable after the loss of a child and are in survival mode so rather than opening yourself up anymore you shut down and make everyone believe you are fine, even the person you are married to and supposed to be the most honest with. I loved that it showed the anger, rudeness and hatefulness you go through. I often wondered if it was normal to be so angry that I could break something and then burst into tears because the same thing that was causing me anger was also causing me to hurt. It is nice to know I'm not the only one.
It showed the repetition without resolution. How you get stuck in a rut and that you have gone into a cave that you can find the exit of. It's hard to change your mind set when you read the autopsy and you just feel like there are no true answers. There's no true definite reason on why your baby died. The only thing you do know is that you were chosen to live this path, chosen to feel the greatest pain in the world, chosen to have something so horrific happen that you lost part of yourself. A part that can never be restored.
It showed how a marriage struggles. But it also showed the husband cheating and that bothered me. I don't want to live in a world where it is considered acceptable for either partner to cheat because of grief. Maybe it should be deemed acceptable, but sign me out. I hated that part of the movie. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I thought it was extremely inappropriate how they tried to portray it as normal. It isn't normal to go outside your marriage just like it isn't normal for a parent to bury their child. Agree with me or not, but that is my feelings on the topic.
The rest of it was very spot on and reassuring with it's accuracy. How you love that your friends are having babies, but it hurts. How you appreciate everything about a little kid 10 times more than you probably would have if your child was still here. How at the end of the day I will always be Macie's mom and no one can ever take that away from me. How people will tell you it happens for a reason or that it is God's plan and you have to have faith and you want to scream at them to explain it to you because you don't understand, but you bite your tongue. How you feel like if you let go of the pain you lose her. How your afraid of everything.
At the end of the movie it showed that they had another child and the hope, love and joy was restored. This is the way I want my story to go as well. I cannot wait for the day that I am holding a baby in my arms again. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but even if it isn't for 2 years from now I still long for that day. I'm ready. I'm terrified, but ready. I can't wait to hold that baby and tell them all about their big sister Macie that will forever be watching over them and protecting them.
That's all for now.