It dawned on me that I have a lot to catch you up on. May 15th was one of the worse days yet. It was the day that Macie had been gone 3 months and 20 days. It doesn't seem possible that she has been gone longer than she was here, but it's true and it happened and we survived. Chris and I both felt the sting of the pain a little bit more than normal that day. It's almost hard for us to comprehend. Macie has touched a lot of lives and Chris and I have tried to do our best to make people aware of SIDS. It's real, it happens, it's unfair and horrible.
Last Sunday we were in Nebraska for Memorial Day weekend and so we were able to go to First Baptist Church for the morning and evening service which we enjoyed. As much as I love going there it can also be hard on me at times. This is the church where Macie's funeral service was and the Pastor did a phenomenal job, but when he starts talking I can hear him doing Macie's service again in my head. It usually takes me a few minutes and then I am able to block out the memories and focus on the message at hand. Well last Sunday in honor of Memorial Day the message was remembering the lost ones. The Pastor started talking about members of the church that had passed and the military and while he was talking I could feel my heart start to race. I remember thinking please don't say Macie's name because I'm going to lose it and my eyes started to get teary which has almost become there new normal these past few months. However, he didn't and just said we remember all the babies. Phew... relief came over me, but then the thoughts started racing through my head. He said babies. That means someone else. Who? What happened? Were they here too? I wonder who they are? Oh no someone else knows what Chris and I are going through and they could be here. Should we go talk to them? I started looking around to see if I could spot another teary eyed mom in the audience, but I didn't have any luck nor did I ask anyone.
After the Sunday night service I did something that I hadn't done yet. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to do this again. I also never thought I would be able to do it without crying, but I did and I survived. I held a baby. One of Chris' really good friends and his wife had a baby 10 weeks ago and he is such a cute little boy. After the service I saw her and was talking to her and put my finger out for him to grab it and when he did I asked if I could hold him. Of course she said yes, but I'm sure she was just as surprised as everyone else who saw me holding him. I was standing in the foyer of the Church. I was in the same church where my daughter's funeral service had been and I was holding a baby for the first time and I was ok. Of course it made me long for Macie, but it also helped heal my broken heart just a little and even though I only held him for a few minutes I was happy to have a baby in my arms. When Chris saw me I could see the shock in his eyes and I'm sure he just wanted to cry. He didn't say anything until later that night and all he said was that it surprised him and that it was nice to see. It's moments like these that I realize I am getting stronger and I will survive.
Memorial Day we went and put flowers on Macie's grave. Macie and grave should never be in the same sentence, but unfortunately that is our reality. We got some pretty pink roses to put in the vase behind her headstone and on the ribbon it said "I love you, my angel" it was perfect for our beautiful baby girl. Chris and I had the same conversation that we have had many times at Macie's grave. We discussed how unfair it is and how much it hurts and we tell her how much we love and miss her.
Last weekend was also Jenny's birthday. Last Saturday, May 28th, she should have been turning 27. And tomorrow is June 6th which is her 2nd wedding anniversary. Still can't believe it has almost been a year since she passed. A year since I have seen or talked to her. Please pray for her husband for peace tomorrow as I guarantee it will be an impossible day for him.