Hey Friends,
I know it's been awhile and honestly it's been too long...
Well Christmas is approaching...will it ever get easier? At the moment I'm convinced the answer is and will always be no. Christmas was always my favorite time of year, my parents made a big deal about it and I loved it. I loved our traditions and wanted to continue them on. I loved looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate and pretty much everything Christmas. Now I hate Christmas and simply because it's painful. I'm reminded of all of the what ifs and what should have been. We should be decorating our tree with our 2 year old daughter and not just the 2 of us. We should be driving around and looking at Christmas lights and driving by the houses that Macie likes a million times. I'm just struggling today. Struggling to keep it together and to accept the reality that is my life. I don't get to know what anything would be like with Macie. I don't get to know what she would be into this year or what the big gift would be that she would love. I have a lot of friends that have children around Macie's age and every time they tell me about their kids I love it, but I always wonder if she would be into the same thing. I know I sound like a downer and I'm sorry, but tonight it's hard and the reality is setting in that Christmas is fast approaching and it simply hurts. However, with as much as it hurts I know Christmas cannot be over looked and come Christmas I will put on my brave face and smile just as I did last year and try to push the pain down so no one notices how much I'm crying on the inside. I miss my daughter and I know that no force in this world can bring her back and reality hurts. I have heard the phrase that times heals. Well whoever came up with that phrase doesn't know what it's like to lose a child. Maybe they do, but tonight I feel like they don't as it doesn't matter how much time passes some days it still feels like yesterday.
Tonight Chris and I were supposed to go to the SIDS candle lighting like we did last year. We were planning on going. When it came time to go the emotions came and I couldn't bring myself to go light a candle. I couldn't get over the fact that it's so unfair and the tears wouldn't stop. Maybe it would have helped, but I honestly felt like tonight it would have made it worse rather than better.
I try not to sound negative and I'm sorry that this post is very negative and a lot of emotions. I have had a very heavy heart lately and my blog is my outlet where I can share my emotions. A little while ago I watched all of Macie's videos. I normally don't watch them because it rips at my heart. The first one brought a smile to my face. She was such a happy and pretty baby. I should have stopped there, but I kept going until I watched all of them and I think that is what made all of my emotions come to surface. Most of the time I keep it together, but every once in awhile there is that day that just gets me (The grief rollercoaster is real, I swear!). And maybe today is just harder than most because I looked at the date and know that it is the day she was 2 months old and I remember the day 2 years ago. I don't know why, but I can remember dates and what happened very well.
With all of my emotions I do hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas. Maybe in a few days I will feel in the Christmas spirit and maybe today is just a "bad" day.
Take Care,
Lisa
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Jenny
Hey Friends,
For some reason Jenny has been even heavier on my heart than normal. Maybe it's because in 6 days it will mark the 2 year anniversary of her passing away. Maybe it's because our 10 year class reunion is this weekend and I can't imagine going without her. Maybe it's because "Cryin' for me" by Tobey Keith has been on the radio a lot this week. Or maybe I just simply miss my best friend. She is one person I really could use right about now! I think about Jenny every day and constantly wonder why her. Why take one of the best people in the world. I don't understand the point, but I guess I wasn't suppose to. I started listening to Tobey Keith's song after Jenny died and it still brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it even 2 years later. She isn't the kind of friend that you just find- she was special. She will forever be special to me and hold a special place in my heart. No one can ever replace Jenny or the friendship we had. I don't have much tonight just have a heavy heart and missing my friend.
Take Care,
Lisa
For some reason Jenny has been even heavier on my heart than normal. Maybe it's because in 6 days it will mark the 2 year anniversary of her passing away. Maybe it's because our 10 year class reunion is this weekend and I can't imagine going without her. Maybe it's because "Cryin' for me" by Tobey Keith has been on the radio a lot this week. Or maybe I just simply miss my best friend. She is one person I really could use right about now! I think about Jenny every day and constantly wonder why her. Why take one of the best people in the world. I don't understand the point, but I guess I wasn't suppose to. I started listening to Tobey Keith's song after Jenny died and it still brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it even 2 years later. She isn't the kind of friend that you just find- she was special. She will forever be special to me and hold a special place in my heart. No one can ever replace Jenny or the friendship we had. I don't have much tonight just have a heavy heart and missing my friend.
Take Care,
Lisa
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Memories
Hey Friends,
Well I finally did it. I completed Macie's memory book. Was it hard? Yes. Did I cry and constantly wonder, what if? Yes, but that is my new "norm" now. I love that it is done and I know it is something I will enjoy daily. I feel horrible it took me so long to do and it is something I always wanted, but I guess I just wasn't ready until now. I actually wasn't even sure if I was going to complete it this time around. The post below this has a link that will take you to the book I created if you would like to view it. Once I receive mine and realize it turned out ok (I have never used shutterfly before) then I'm going to order one for my mom and Chris' mom, I think they will enjoy them as much as me!
I know I am not on here as often as I should be, but I was starting to feel like a broken record. Life still isn't easy, but somehow 15 months later I'm still surviving. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. How? Some days I have no idea. But at this point I consider myself a survivor. I have survived burrying my only child. I have survived by being able to carry on and find a new normal. Whatever you may consider normal that is. No matter how much I try to survive this I still have questions that will forever wonder around in my head...I wonder what she is doing, is she with Jenny?, what she looks like, what her voice would have sounded like, if she would have had hair yet, can she see me? As much as I know there isn't a force in this world that can bring her back some days it's hard to fathem that I will never see her again on this earth.
Macie passing isn't a topic I like discussing in a lot of detail. I will every once in awhile and mostly only with Chris and when I start to feel myself get emotional I shut down and change the subject. This past Saturday I was hanging out with one of my really good friends and discussed the day Macie passed from start to finish. Every moment, every minute, every detail. I don't know what it means that I was finally able to have this conversation other than maybe it was another step in my healing. And by having this conversation I actually learned a thing or two about that day that I had forgotten or never knew. I was finally able to put all of the pieces together from that horrible day. However, being the strong headed person that I am I was able to keep all of my emotions under control until I got home. I felt so much better afterwards though. It was like I was finally able to release all of pressure I kept inside by not talking about it. I cried for a very long time that night and the next morning, but when I was done shedding all of my tears I felt calm. It was an odd feeling and one that I wasn't expecting to ever experience after crying and grieving for my daughter. However, I have heard that grief is a crazy roller coaster that will strike when you least expect it and take you on turns you never thought imaginebale so maybe this was just another turn in my journey. My journey of coping, surviving, living, dreaming for the day when I hold Macie's brother or sister in my arms. That is all I have for now...
Take Care,
Lisa
Well I finally did it. I completed Macie's memory book. Was it hard? Yes. Did I cry and constantly wonder, what if? Yes, but that is my new "norm" now. I love that it is done and I know it is something I will enjoy daily. I feel horrible it took me so long to do and it is something I always wanted, but I guess I just wasn't ready until now. I actually wasn't even sure if I was going to complete it this time around. The post below this has a link that will take you to the book I created if you would like to view it. Once I receive mine and realize it turned out ok (I have never used shutterfly before) then I'm going to order one for my mom and Chris' mom, I think they will enjoy them as much as me!
I know I am not on here as often as I should be, but I was starting to feel like a broken record. Life still isn't easy, but somehow 15 months later I'm still surviving. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. How? Some days I have no idea. But at this point I consider myself a survivor. I have survived burrying my only child. I have survived by being able to carry on and find a new normal. Whatever you may consider normal that is. No matter how much I try to survive this I still have questions that will forever wonder around in my head...I wonder what she is doing, is she with Jenny?, what she looks like, what her voice would have sounded like, if she would have had hair yet, can she see me? As much as I know there isn't a force in this world that can bring her back some days it's hard to fathem that I will never see her again on this earth.
Macie passing isn't a topic I like discussing in a lot of detail. I will every once in awhile and mostly only with Chris and when I start to feel myself get emotional I shut down and change the subject. This past Saturday I was hanging out with one of my really good friends and discussed the day Macie passed from start to finish. Every moment, every minute, every detail. I don't know what it means that I was finally able to have this conversation other than maybe it was another step in my healing. And by having this conversation I actually learned a thing or two about that day that I had forgotten or never knew. I was finally able to put all of the pieces together from that horrible day. However, being the strong headed person that I am I was able to keep all of my emotions under control until I got home. I felt so much better afterwards though. It was like I was finally able to release all of pressure I kept inside by not talking about it. I cried for a very long time that night and the next morning, but when I was done shedding all of my tears I felt calm. It was an odd feeling and one that I wasn't expecting to ever experience after crying and grieving for my daughter. However, I have heard that grief is a crazy roller coaster that will strike when you least expect it and take you on turns you never thought imaginebale so maybe this was just another turn in my journey. My journey of coping, surviving, living, dreaming for the day when I hold Macie's brother or sister in my arms. That is all I have for now...
Take Care,
Lisa
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
T-Shirts!
Hey Friends,
Here is your chance to get involved! Chris has designed a T-Shirt that will read Macie's Mission on the front in pink letters (shirt will be black) and on the back of the shirt it will have Macie's footprints with angel wings coming off of them on either side. It will have Macie's dates above (10/6/2010-01-25-2011) and below it will read "If Heaven wasn't so far away" all proceeds will go to SIDS Resources. Who wants to get involved? Also, Chris will be finding out tomorrow if they can do children sizes but I'm assuming they can. :)
You can either comment on this post or shoot me an e-mail at lisa.mieras.barton@gmail.com if you are interested in ordering a T-Shirt. I should have more details shortly!
Take Care,
Lisa
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
It's been awhile...
Hey Friends,
I know it has been a long time since I have written, but I haven't had a lot to say. I have also been writing my book. The pain is still present, I miss her more that I can ever describe and somehow I keep surviving each day. I can't help but wonder what she would be like now. She should be 18 months old on Friday. She would be walking and talking and into girly things. All things I want but can never have. All things that I long for and someday hope to have with another child. It may not be the same, but I know I will love them just the same.
A month ago Chris and I went on a much needed vacation. We went to Mexico with his two best friends and their wives. While we met through our husbands I consider these two girls great friends. One night while we were there we went out to the beach so I could write Macie's name in the sand. I know most of you are friends with me on facebook and have seen the pictures, but for those of you who aren't I will post pictures soon. When I wrote her name in the sand and took pictures under the moonlight it looked like it was glowing. I loved it. I know it was emotional for everyone. While I know it is ok to cry and break down, especially with our close friends, I once again waiting until I was back in our room by ourselves. I don't know why I am this way, but I have been since the beginning. The only person I really let see me break down is Chris and most of the time I will wait until I am completely alone before any tears start. However, we had a great time on our trip!! I know most people thought we would get pregnant on our vacation, but we did not. I don't know when our next chapter will begin with a baby, but I promise to keep you all informed of when it does happen. I think I am ready so it might be sooner rather than later.
As I looked at the calendar today and realized it was April 3rd it dawned on me that I met my husband for the first time 6 years ago tomorrow. Wow time flies! While nobody's life is perfect, we have gone through more than any one couple should ever have to go through. But through it all we are still by each other's side just as we have been from the very beginning and stronger than ever. Meeting him was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The day we had Macie was the happiest day of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. With tomorrow being the 4th it brings my mind to May 5th, the day we decided to "officially" start dating back in 2006. We picked up my best friend Jenny who kept saying Cinco De Mayo! Only instead of pronouncing it like you should she was pronouncing Mayo like the sandwhich spread. It is a memory I will cherish forever as we laughed all night and Chris and I still joke about her saying that to this day.
I'm sorry I don't have more to say, but I wanted to fill you in a little bit with what has been going on. Nothing too exciting as you can see. I hope everyone has a happy Easter!
Take Care,
Lisa
I know it has been a long time since I have written, but I haven't had a lot to say. I have also been writing my book. The pain is still present, I miss her more that I can ever describe and somehow I keep surviving each day. I can't help but wonder what she would be like now. She should be 18 months old on Friday. She would be walking and talking and into girly things. All things I want but can never have. All things that I long for and someday hope to have with another child. It may not be the same, but I know I will love them just the same.
A month ago Chris and I went on a much needed vacation. We went to Mexico with his two best friends and their wives. While we met through our husbands I consider these two girls great friends. One night while we were there we went out to the beach so I could write Macie's name in the sand. I know most of you are friends with me on facebook and have seen the pictures, but for those of you who aren't I will post pictures soon. When I wrote her name in the sand and took pictures under the moonlight it looked like it was glowing. I loved it. I know it was emotional for everyone. While I know it is ok to cry and break down, especially with our close friends, I once again waiting until I was back in our room by ourselves. I don't know why I am this way, but I have been since the beginning. The only person I really let see me break down is Chris and most of the time I will wait until I am completely alone before any tears start. However, we had a great time on our trip!! I know most people thought we would get pregnant on our vacation, but we did not. I don't know when our next chapter will begin with a baby, but I promise to keep you all informed of when it does happen. I think I am ready so it might be sooner rather than later.
As I looked at the calendar today and realized it was April 3rd it dawned on me that I met my husband for the first time 6 years ago tomorrow. Wow time flies! While nobody's life is perfect, we have gone through more than any one couple should ever have to go through. But through it all we are still by each other's side just as we have been from the very beginning and stronger than ever. Meeting him was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The day we had Macie was the happiest day of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. With tomorrow being the 4th it brings my mind to May 5th, the day we decided to "officially" start dating back in 2006. We picked up my best friend Jenny who kept saying Cinco De Mayo! Only instead of pronouncing it like you should she was pronouncing Mayo like the sandwhich spread. It is a memory I will cherish forever as we laughed all night and Chris and I still joke about her saying that to this day.
I'm sorry I don't have more to say, but I wanted to fill you in a little bit with what has been going on. Nothing too exciting as you can see. I hope everyone has a happy Easter!
Take Care,
Lisa
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Hey Friends,
Well I did it! I finally got twitter. I'm not sure what the lingo is, but my username is: lisamaciebarton so if you have twitter add/follow me because I'm not sure how this whole thing works yet!
Take Care,
Lisa
Well I did it! I finally got twitter. I'm not sure what the lingo is, but my username is: lisamaciebarton so if you have twitter add/follow me because I'm not sure how this whole thing works yet!
Take Care,
Lisa
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Spring for SIDS
Hey Friends,
Well it is that time of year again! Spring for SIDS is April 20, 2012 this year!!
To raise money for SIDS in Team M's name we are doing an auction on Facebook! Please go 'like' our page: Team M Auction Page and if you would like to donate any items please e-mail teammdonations@gmail.com with a picture of your item, the starting bid and if shipping is additional or included. The auction will be February 11-15th so make sure to check it out and bid!! Last year we had over 200 items and this year we have 25 items so far. We want it to be a huge success again this year and any items would be greatly appreciated!!
Our Team M page is up for online donations and you can get there by clicking :Team M!
Thank you for your help!
Lisa
Well it is that time of year again! Spring for SIDS is April 20, 2012 this year!!
To raise money for SIDS in Team M's name we are doing an auction on Facebook! Please go 'like' our page: Team M Auction Page and if you would like to donate any items please e-mail teammdonations@gmail.com with a picture of your item, the starting bid and if shipping is additional or included. The auction will be February 11-15th so make sure to check it out and bid!! Last year we had over 200 items and this year we have 25 items so far. We want it to be a huge success again this year and any items would be greatly appreciated!!
Our Team M page is up for online donations and you can get there by clicking :Team M!
Here is our photo thanks to April Grimes!
Thank you for your help!
Lisa
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Summary
Hey Friends,
You can read the acknowledgement of the book that I have been asked to write. Will I finish this, I don't know. But I have been asked to write it so I just might!
Summary
If you are reading this then it is for one of two things, either you know me or my husband or you have lost a child. If you know us then we are eternally grateful for your love and support. If you have lost a child then let me start by saying I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that you know this pain, that you have to experience life without your baby. Is it fair? In my opinion-No. Plain and simple.
If you were chosen to be an angel mom or dad then life as you know it is forever shattered. Is there a happy ending? Maybe. I can tell you that I do not have the answers on how your life will be. This book is about life as I have known it for the past year. Will your journey be the same as mine? Maybe and maybe not. Each journey is different just like every child is different. There may be some differences or some similarities, but the point is to share my journey with you. My journey through the good, the bad, the ugly and the coping. Day 1 I had no idea how I was ever going to go on. I remember saying, "I have nothing left to live for" and it's a true statement and one that you may be feeling. When you lose a child you feel like your journey is over and there is nothing left. You have given it your all and everything you had you gave to your child and there is nothing left in you. Unfortunately, I may not have the answers you have been seeking, but I will break down each month for you and what it was like for me being an angel mom for the first year.
Take Care,
Lisa
You can read the acknowledgement of the book that I have been asked to write. Will I finish this, I don't know. But I have been asked to write it so I just might!
Summary
If you are reading this then it is for one of two things, either you know me or my husband or you have lost a child. If you know us then we are eternally grateful for your love and support. If you have lost a child then let me start by saying I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that you know this pain, that you have to experience life without your baby. Is it fair? In my opinion-No. Plain and simple.
If you were chosen to be an angel mom or dad then life as you know it is forever shattered. Is there a happy ending? Maybe. I can tell you that I do not have the answers on how your life will be. This book is about life as I have known it for the past year. Will your journey be the same as mine? Maybe and maybe not. Each journey is different just like every child is different. There may be some differences or some similarities, but the point is to share my journey with you. My journey through the good, the bad, the ugly and the coping. Day 1 I had no idea how I was ever going to go on. I remember saying, "I have nothing left to live for" and it's a true statement and one that you may be feeling. When you lose a child you feel like your journey is over and there is nothing left. You have given it your all and everything you had you gave to your child and there is nothing left in you. Unfortunately, I may not have the answers you have been seeking, but I will break down each month for you and what it was like for me being an angel mom for the first year.
Take Care,
Lisa
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Angelversary
Hey Friends,
Well here we are, here it is...the worse day a year later. We went to Nebraska and spent our daughter's 1st angelversary with our family. We didn't have a set plan, but it turned out exactly the way it was suppose to and exactly how we needed it to be. We were showered with love and prayers from all over- thank you! And we had our family close by to lean on. As I sit at home tonight I can't help but remember what I was doing exactly a year ago today at this time and that is how my day started and how it will end. I'm sure the next week will be just as hard as today with the memories of following her to Nebraska, planning her funeral, seeing her in the casket for the first time, the viewing, the funeral, the burial and everything in between.
Chris and I cannot begin to thank each of you enough for all that you have done for us this past year. We truly appreciate it!!
Today hurts. Today marks only the first year I have survived life without my daughter and I'm not sure how many more of these there will be...30, 40, 50? When I think of it long term I have to stop because I know how bad the pain and 1 year hurts and the thought of 50 more is like a dagger being shot into my heart. I'm sorry, but tonight all there is to write about is the pain and the grief. It hurts, so badly.
Today we went to the cemetery with our family. It was the first time that we went to Macie's spot with anyone besides ourselves. It was so nice to have them there with us. They left and Chris and I stayed for a few minutes longer and cried, talked about how long it had been, and that we are ready to be parents again. When we will start that journey I'm not sure. But step #1 we are both ready or as ready as we can be I guess which is a big step for us.
When we go to Macie's spot there is a figurine there that means a lot to me. I have posted it above along with the poem that is associated with it below. I love that it is there, right next to her headstone and that is where it will sit forever.
When God Calls Little Children
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child, Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold, so He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few, To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, show how we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children...Angels are hard to find.
Thank you again & Take Care,
Lisa
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Birthday & 1 Year
Hey Friends,
Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.
I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.
I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.
There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....
This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.
I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.
Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper
Take Care,
Lisa
Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.
I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.
I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.
There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....
This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.
I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.
Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper
Take Care,
Lisa
Holidays
Hey Friends,
I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...
Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.
Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!
A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...
Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.
I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.
Take Care,
Lisa
I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...
Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.
Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!
A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...
Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.
I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.
Take Care,
Lisa
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