Well I did it. This past Saturday was my niece’s birthday party and I went. I had a huge knot in my stomach about it for a week and I couldn’t decide whether or not I should go. Every time I thought about it I would just start bawling and get angry because I know that Chris and I are never going to get to host a birthday party for our daughter and that isn’t something that I can fully process yet. I even tried going into Target to get my niece a birthday present. I don’t know why I thought I could do this. I walked into Target looked around and then headed back toward the little girl department. Well in my Target you have to go past the baby section to get to the little girl department. I saw that baby girl socks were on sale and I instantly thought Oh good I’m sure Macie needs some new socks and then I thought no she doesn’t because she isn’t here. Both thoughts occurred in about 5 seconds. However, when I finished with the second thought the tears were already streaming down my face and I was still in the middle of Target. So I did what any mom in my position would do…put down my stuff and made a b-line for the door to my car. I never did make it to the little girl department so my niece received cash for her birthday and she seemed very happy with that so that is what she will be getting from here on out. :)
At the party I tried to keep thinking it was just a big family get together and not a birthday party (probably horrible, I know). It just hurt and I tried to keep it together the best I could. I sat outside when they sang Happy Birthday out of fear of bawling and taking away from her special day. I could still hear them when they sang and I cried. I tried so hard not to, but I did. I didn't bawl, but my eyes filled up and I instantly thought I have got to pull it together ASAP because today it is about her and I didn't want to take away from that at all! After this I went into the bathroom put one hand on each side of the sink and the tears started flowing, but I was alone. When I looked up there was a ladybug on the mirror. Now I haven't seen any ladybug's yet this year, but I have been talking to Kellie a lot and she tells me about her experiences with the ladybug's and how she believes they are Maddie coming to see her (and I do too!). When I saw the ladybug that was the first thing that popped into my head and I thought it must be Macie coming to see me. She knew I needed her and it was a sign that she is still with me. My tears quickly dried up and it actually brought a smile to my face. I pulled myself together wiped my face off and went back out to the party and I hoped no one noticed my slight breakdown. I'm sure someone noticed, but they were nice enough not to say anything.
Tomorrow is my niece's birthday and she will be 7. I can't believe how big she is getting! Tomorrow also marks the day that Macie would have been turning 6 months old. I'm still trying to discover my "new" normal and my new routine, but some days it just isn't easy and on milestone days like the 6th and 25th of the month it REALLY isn't easy. Tomorrow I will be at work and I will try to go through my day and not dwell on the date, but I'm sure I will. I just hope I can hold it together and not have a breakdown at my desk.
5 years ago yesterday I met my husband for the first time. When I looked at the date this popped into my head and I couldn't help but think what a crazy and wonderful 5 years it has been since that first day we met. I started to think about what the next 5 years might hold and the 5 after that and so on. The only thing I know for sure from the past 5 years is that you never know where the road is going to take you, but just be thankful for the road you are on.