Tomorrow, May 1st, is the International Babylost Mother's Day. Having babylost in there is like a knife to my heart. It simply just hurts and I miss my daughter. I don't know if I have seen this and have just chosen not to pay attention or if I really did miss this somehow. When I was reading about it I couldn't hold back the tears and they just started streaming down my face. I'm grateful there is a day for all of us Mom's that fall into this "club" so we know we are not alone, but it hurts knowing that since my little girl received her angel wings that I have a separate Mother's Day from everyone else. I'm not going to lie or deny it, I have not been looking forward to next Sunday. I know it is going to be a hard day. My first "official" Mother's Day (I was pregnant last year) and Macie isn't here. :(
One thing I am starting to know is what I can and can't handle. Granted I don't have all the answers as it is barely over 3 months, but I'm starting to get to the point where I know what works and what doesn't work for me. However, as quickly as I have figured this out I am sure it will change again. It will be something that will continuously change throughout my life as I try to learn how to survive this journey that was layed out for me.
I have always been a huge planner, a little OCD even. I have a calendar I carry around with me and I liked to have everything planned out. My husband is the exact opposite of me. He would rather just go with the flow and sometimes I would let this stress me out even. However, throughout this journey I have learned that there is no point in planning. You can't plan anything. Sometimes it is good to let go of the time controlling strings and just go with the flow. So I no longer plan. (For those that know me know this is a huge deal). Now I just focus on one day at a time. When I wake up each morning I start to set tiny goals in my head. But the main one I set everyday is just to make it through the day and let it be a good day. Sometimes I accomplish this and sometimes I don't. I still have more bad days than good, but I know eventually I will think of Macie and smile and start to have more good days than bad. But that will take time.
Here is the link to the International Babylost Mother's Day blog if anyone is interested in reading more about it: International Babylost Mothers Day.