Well I just got off the phone with the Medical Examiner and Macie’s death was deemed natural. We were told this right away, but now that the autopsy is complete we 100% know it was SIDS. I asked them for a copy of the autopsy and they had me fax a sheet over with my signature and then said I couldn’t come pick it up until tomorrow. I wanted to leave work and go get it, but I have to wait until tomorrow. Of course it’s tomorrow. Not today, not this past Monday or any other day this past 3 months…it’s tomorrow. So my 27th birthday was going to be hard anyways, but now it will be impossible. I will be driving to the Jackson County Medical Examiner’s office to be there by 8:30am to pick up a copy of my daughter’s autopsy. The autopsy is only going to be able to tell me everything they tested and every result will say 0 or inconclusive because they don’t know why my daughter died, no one can tell me why I have to live every day until forever without her. I’m thankful it was natural and she wasn’t in pain and nothing was done to her, but I was still hoping for a reason. I wanted to know what happened. So I have an answer, but it still isn’t an answer.
The next thing will be a copy of the police report and then we will get Macie’s death certificate… Oh I really don’t want to get that in the mail. Actually maybe I can get in on Mother’s Day so that we can just put the icing on the cake. Ok I know I am just being a bitter betty, but I am bitter and angry and am searching for answers that aren’t there and will never be there. I was dreading my birthday and now I have to do this on it. I’m dreading Mother’s Day because while I know I’m still Macie's mom I don’t feel like one and I will never get the chance to spend a Mother’s Day with my daughter.
I’m hoping tomorrow goes as smoothly as it possibly can.