Hey Friends,
Well I just got off the phone with the Medical Examiner and Macie’s death was deemed natural. We were told this right away, but now that the autopsy is complete we 100% know it was SIDS. I asked them for a copy of the autopsy and they had me fax a sheet over with my signature and then said I couldn’t come pick it up until tomorrow. I wanted to leave work and go get it, but I have to wait until tomorrow. Of course it’s tomorrow. Not today, not this past Monday or any other day this past 3 months…it’s tomorrow. So my 27th birthday was going to be hard anyways, but now it will be impossible. I will be driving to the Jackson County Medical Examiner’s office to be there by 8:30am to pick up a copy of my daughter’s autopsy. The autopsy is only going to be able to tell me everything they tested and every result will say 0 or inconclusive because they don’t know why my daughter died, no one can tell me why I have to live every day until forever without her. I’m thankful it was natural and she wasn’t in pain and nothing was done to her, but I was still hoping for a reason. I wanted to know what happened. So I have an answer, but it still isn’t an answer.
The next thing will be a copy of the police report and then we will get Macie’s death certificate… Oh I really don’t want to get that in the mail. Actually maybe I can get in on Mother’s Day so that we can just put the icing on the cake. Ok I know I am just being a bitter betty, but I am bitter and angry and am searching for answers that aren’t there and will never be there. I was dreading my birthday and now I have to do this on it. I’m dreading Mother’s Day because while I know I’m still Macie's mom I don’t feel like one and I will never get the chance to spend a Mother’s Day with my daughter.
I’m hoping tomorrow goes as smoothly as it possibly can.
Take Care,
Lisa
I must say opening that envelope and starting to read a loved one's autopsy does take your breath away although you think you are prepared. Try not to be alone...the details can make you very weak in the knees. Please know I think of you so very, very often and actually have a little something to bring you. I'll contact you through FB to set up a time. Take care and God Bless, Jan Evans
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I know its hard when you get that call...I thought I was prepared for it but when the call came and said that he died of SIDS, it hurt worse...to me, it meant there was NOTHING I could have done to help my baby...anyways, I got a copy of the police and auto. report also - I haven't read them myself yet but someday I may want to...I hope tomorrow isnt so bad for you!!
ReplyDeleteI think feelings of bitterness are totally justified! I swear it seems like painful reminders have a way of showing at the worst times. We got our hospital for our daughter on her 1st birthday. Happy Birthday huh? Thinking of you tomorrow and sending you strength!
ReplyDeleteLisa, I just came across your story a few days ago, and I wanted to let you know that while I can't comprehend your heartbreak, you, your family, and your precious baby Macie are in my prayers. I hope that you can find some peace tomorrow on your birthday.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I follow your blog, and my heart breaks for you. Macie is absolutely beautiful, and I know that somehow, she will let you know that she is with you tomorrow. I am praying that tomorrow is a better day than you expect it to be.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and will be thinking about you on your birthday!!! Sending my love your way!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited I found your blog. I'm a new follower, I hope you will as well. I started my blog a little over a month ago. It's all about celebrity fashion from the point of view of an LA stylist. Stop by to see multiple post a day on all the latest celebrity fashion news and check out pictures from the fall/winter preview I attended yesterday in Beverly Hills. Would love your support. xoxo
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ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so hard. I wish you could get the answers you are looking for. I wish I could ease your pain. Just know you are loved. Macie was loved and still is... Praying for you. Hope you can try to have a good birthday.
ReplyDeleteI love you Lisa. I know I don't know you. But I think about you and sweet Macie and pray for you daily. Try to spend time with your husband and loved ones on your birthday and just remember the wonderful months you had with Macie. You are still her mommy and she loves you.
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