I have been blessed in my life to have two bestfriends, Jenny and Crystal. They mean the world to me.
If someone would have asked me what the worst day of my life was on July 24, 2010 I would have responded I'm not sure. If someone would have asked me July 25, 2010 I would have said today. That day is the day I lost my bestfriend Jenny in a car accident. I always questioned God and said why her and why now. I would catch myself saying don't you understand I need her. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. Jenny and Crystal were doing my baby shower which was August 7. When it came to my wedding I couldn't pick one of them so they both were my maids of honor. They both did my bridal shower. They both understand me on a different level.
When I called Jenny to tell her I was pregnant I will never forget the excitment in her voice. She couldn't have been more thrilled if she was the one pregnant. The next thing that came out of her mouth was, "I'm doing the baby shower!!" I talked to Jenny everyday. She would always call me with the most off the wall things and they would crack me up. One of the last texts I have from her is when she was in Hobby Lobby and sent me a text to let me know they had their Christmas stuff out and that she thought it was a little early...looking back it was too early!
I talked to her for a long time the Friday before her accident and we always talked about everything. We had decided that she was going to be the one to watch Macie. She couldn't find a teaching job (since KC decided to cut those jobs) and it was all going to fall into place perfectly. I trusted her more than I could have ever trusted anyone. It was a huge relief that my daughter was going to be with her. I always knew Jenny would be like a second mom to her. She was so excited about it. We talked about how she would be at my house every minute while I was on maternity leave learning Macie's routine and keeping me company. We talked about the tour I did at the hospital and I told her how she was going to have to say her name into the intercom to come up to the room to see Macie. She was exstatic. She was the kind of friend you don't just find.
Her funeral was so hard on me as I’m sure it was for everyone else too. I just kept thinking this can't really be happening. That can't be her. I know my phone is going to ring and it'll be her and everything will be fine and my life as I knew it would go back to normal. She was going to be here, she had to be. At the visitation and funeral I was crying, but felt like I couldn't let all of my emotion out because I didn't want to put any stress on Macie. I felt like I had to hold it together.
The day I had Macie was the happiest day of my life. Becoming a mom is something I wanted more than anything and my dream had finally become a reality. I had a perfectly healthy baby girl and I was blessed to have been chosen to be her mother. I remember in the hospital just staring at her in amazement that she was mine. She was so pretty, so perfect. I just kept staring at her little face and putting my finger into her tiny hands. I remember when everyone was walking in to see her for the first time this instant sadness came over me because I knew Jenny wasn't going to ever walk through that door. She was never going to meet Macie. All of our plans that we had discussed were never going to come true. She wasn't going to be at my house when I was on maternity leave. She wasn't going to watch Macie. She wasn't going to be like a second mom to Macie. Having Macie was the happiest day of my life, but when I thought about Jenny not being in Macie’s life it broke my heart.
I know I can't physically talk to Jenny anymore so I will talk out loud and discuss things with her (when I was alone otherwise people would think I’m nuts!) or I will write her letters. I look back through my letters and all of them are about Macie. Telling her every little detail about my baby girl and how I wish she was here to see her grow up with me.
The song that I listened to a lot right after Jenny passed away is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHZCAcSh7ls (Tobey Keith- Cryin’ for Me).
I still listen to it sometimes, but it still makes me cry.
If someone would have asked me what the worst day of my life was on January 25, 2011 I would have said today. That is the day Macie got her angel wings. I still don’t know why and I may never fully understand why my baby was taken from me. But I honestly feel like my baby was taken from me. I will go through the details and the step by step of what I experienced that day, but right now I can’t. It’s still too painful.