Grief & SIDS

Isn't she so cute & sweet!!!!!!

 Oh I miss her...

Hey Friends,

Tonight I have been reading about grief & SIDS. I have been reading what is normal and what effect grief has on the body and the 5 stages. The 5 stages have really stood out to me in the sense that #5 is acceptance. I sit and stare at that word and think there is no way I am ever going to accept Macie being gone. How can I? What kind of mother would I be if I accept that my little girl is gone? Acceptance....really? Acceptance is not something I can see myself doing....ever! The first 4 stages I understand, I go through these emotions. I am angry, I can be isolated, I'm depressed at moments and who doesn't bargain. Sometime I will go through 1 emotion a day and other days I can go through all 4 things in a day. But acceptance? How can that be the last step? There has to be something else because acceptance is not in this girl's game plan. Below is the information I read on the stages of grief.

The Stages of Grief:

A Normal Life Process

At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb, even intense disappointment can cause grief. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.

Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.

At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

 

2. Anger.

The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

 

3. Bargaining.

Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

 

4. Depression.

The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

 

5. Acceptance.

This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Grief And Stress

  

During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.

Recovering From Grief

Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.
Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.
Information from:http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-the-3.html

The other topic I have been reading a lot about is SIDS. Since day 1 I have read about SIDS everyday trying to make myself an expert on this topic. Trying to understand what happened to Macie. I go to www.sids.org a lot and read the featured article, research projects & future research. I don't know if there can ever be a cure, but I hope and long for that day. The day when they will announce that not 1 baby died that year of SIDS. That the risk of SIDS is now 0. Another article I came across that I thought was extrememly informative on SIDS is at: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002533/. I have also put it below.

Sudden infant death syndrome

Crib death; SIDS

Last reviewed: August 2, 2009.

Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is the unexpected, sudden death of a child under age 1 in which an autopsy does not show an explainable cause of death.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

 

SIDS rates have dropped dramatically since 1992, when parents were first told to put babies to sleep on their backs or sides to reduce the likelihood of SIDS. Unfortunately, SIDS remains a significant cause of death in infants under one year old. Thousands of babies die of SIDS in the United States each year.
The cause of SIDS is unknown, although there are several theories. Many doctors and researchers now believe that SIDS is not a single condition that is always caused by the same medical problems, but infant death caused by several different factors.

These factors may include problems with sleep arousal or an inability to sense a build-up of carbon dioxide in the blood. Almost all SIDS deaths occur without any warning or symptoms when the infant is thought to be sleeping.

SIDS is most likely to occur between 2 and 4 months of age, and 90% occur by 6 months of age. It occurs more often in winter months, with the peak in January. There is also a greater rate of SIDS among Native and African Americans.

The following have been linked to an increased risk of SIDS:

• Babies who sleep on their stomachs
• Babies who are around cigarette smoke while in the womb or after being born
• Babies who sleep in the same bed as their parents
• Babies who have soft bedding in the crib
• Multiple birth babies (being a twin, triplet, etc.)
• Premature babies
• Babies who have a brother or sister who had SIDS
• Mothers who smoke or use illegal drugs
• Teen mothers
• Short time period between pregnancies
• Late or no prenatal care
• Situations of poverty

SIDS affects boys more often than girls. While studies show that babies with the above risk factors are more likely to be affected, the impact or importance of each factor is not well-defined or understood.
Symptoms
 

There are no symptoms. Babies who die of SIDS do not appear to suffer or struggle.

Signs and tests

 

Autopsy results are not able to confirm a cause of death, but may help add to the existing knowledge about SIDS. Autopsies may be required by state law in the event of unexplainable death.

 
Support Groups

 

Parents who have lost a child to SIDS are in tremendous need of emotional support. Because no cause is found for the infant's death, many parents suffer from guilt feelings.

These feelings may be aggravated by investigations of police or others who, by law, must determine the cause of death. Timing of a subsequent pregnancy is a concern for many parents after experiencing SIDS.
A member of a local chapter of the National Foundation for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome may assist with counseling and reassurance to parents and family members. See: SIDS support group
Family counseling may be recommended to help siblings and all family members cope with the loss of an infant.
 
Calling your health care provider

 

If your baby is not moving or breathing, begin CPR and call 911. Parents and caregivers of all infants and children should be trained in CPR.

 
Prevention

 

Revised American Academy of Pediatrics' (AAP) guidelines, released in October 2005, recommend the following:

• Always put a baby to sleep on its back. (This includes naps.) DO NOT put a baby to sleep on its stomach. Side sleeping is unstable and should also be avoided. Allowing the baby to roll around on its tummy while awake can prevent a flat spot (due to sleeping in one position) from forming on the back of the head.
• Only put babies to sleep in a crib. NEVER allow the baby to sleep in bed with other children or adults, and do NOT put them to sleep on surfaces other than cribs, like a sofa.
• Let babies sleep in the same room (NOT the same bed) as parents. If possible, babies cribs should be placed in the parents' bedroom to allow for night-time feeding.
• Avoid soft bedding materials. Babies should be placed on a firm, tight-fitting crib mattress with no comforter.
• Use a light sheet to cover the baby. Do not use pillows, comforters, or quilts.
• Make sure the room temperature is not too hot. The room temperature should be comfortable for a lightly-clothed adult. A baby should not be hot to the touch.
• Offer the baby a pacifier when going to sleep. Pacifiers at naptime and bedtime can reduce the risk of SIDS. Doctors think that a pacifier might allow the airway to open more, or prevent the baby from falling into a deep sleep. A baby that wakes up more easily may automatically move out of a dangerous position. If the baby is breastfeeding, it is best to wait until 1 month before offering a pacifier, so that it doesn’t interfere with breastfeeding. Do not force a baby to use a pacifier.
• Do not use breathing monitors or products marketed as ways to reduce SIDS. In the past, home apnea (breathing) monitors were recommended for families with a history of the condition. But research found that they had no effect, and the use of home monitors has largely stopped.

Other recommendations from SIDS experts:

• Keep your baby in a smoke-free environment.
• Breastfeed your baby, if possible -- breastfeeding reduces some upper respiratory infections that may influence the development of SIDS.
• NEVER give honey to a child less than 1 year old -- honey in very young children may cause infant botulism, which may be associated with SIDS.

Until the nature of the disease is fully understood, complete prevention will not be a reality

That lat sentence stuck out ot me. We need to find and understand the nature. There has to be prevention!

Take Care,
Lisa

Spring for SIDS Update

Hey Friends!!

I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone who has made a donation to Team M in honor of Macie! I sincerely appreciate each donation. So far Team M has raised $1,538 which is a great start!

Spring for SIDS occurs on April 29^th so there is still plenty of time to donate. Don't forget to wear pink & a bow that day in honor of Macie & Maddie!! :)

Thanks again & GO TEAM M!

Take Care,

Lisa

The 25th

Hey Friends,

 

Well it is March 25th. The 25th of the month will never be a good day for me. It has been a horrible day of the month since July. I dread the 25th. I woke up this morning saw the clock and it began. Reliving the day Macie got her angel wings minute by minute. Then around noon I replayed the phone call Megan had to make to me in my head when she told me about the accident and that Jenny didn't make it. Life isn't fair...no one should have to attend their best friends funeral when we are only 26 and no one should ever have to bury a child!! Both things I have done and sometimes I honestly don't know how I make it through each day, but I do. I'm still here. I know there has to be something great I'm suppose to do, but I'm not really sure what that is yet. Maybe it is to advocate for SIDS? Maybe it is to help others with their grief? Maybe it is something I don't know about yet. Or maybe there is nothing and this is just the path that was made for me to live.

 

Today is a hard, horrible, sad, horrific and painful day. I try not to have pity parties because it isn't going to do any good, but today I am having a bad day. I walked around our house today and looked at all of the pictures of Macie and told her how pretty she is and how much her mommy misses her. When I was walking around doing this I got to the photo collage of Jenny & I. The photo collage that is above Macie's changing table. I stared at it and cried for a long time before I said anything. I couldn't hold back and the tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. I just kept thinking this wasn't the plan. This isn't how it was suppose to be. Jenny was suppose to be here with Macie and I. They weren't suppose to leave and leave me behind. When I started talking the words just kept flowing....I told Jenny how much I miss her and need her. Then I told her what Macie likes and doesn't like and when to do this and that. I have spoken these words before to Jenny, but I did it again anyways. Jenny was amazing with children so she didn't need to hear it from me because she already knows what to do, but it makes me feel better to tell her. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

Please take the time to read about Spring for SIDS and remember to wear pink and a bow April 29th in honor of Macie and Maddie... two precious little girls that got their Angel Wings far too soon!!!

 

Take Care,

Lisa

Strength through Macie

Hey Friends,

This song was sent to me today and it impacted me a lot when I listened to it. Especially the first minute of this song. I have listened to it multiple times throughout the day so far and it isn’t even 5 yet! (I posted it at the bottom)

The song talks about untaken pictures….well……I wanted the 3 of us to get professional family pictures taken. I wanted to wait until spring when Macie was 6 months old and could sit up by herself and I had lost all of the baby weight. I was SO excited to get these taken…listen to me when I say Never Wait to do anything! If you want something done do it that day! Don’t delay! Yes I have family pictures that people took, but I don’t have any professional family pictures which is something I sincerely regret not having. I wanted us to all match in Husker gear (Yes we are HUGE Nebraska Football fans), and then maybe 1 or 2 more different outfits. I thought it was going to look so cute.…. This would fall into the if only I had done this category.

I have been talking to Macie a lot (in my head) which I do every day, but last night for the first time when I was having the mother/daughter conversation in my head I was excited about something. I guess there is a first for everything!! Instead of talking to her about how much I missed her I was talking to her about how we were going to spread the knowledge of SIDS! I want people to know my daughter, see her beauty, know our story and understand how much she is truly loved by all. When we met with Pastor Wicks he said something I will never forget, don’t let the loss of your daughter be wasted pain. So I’m taking the best advice anyone could have ever given me and I’m spreading the knowledge. If I could scream it from the roof tops I probably would!! It is SO important for parents to know how to prevent SIDS and if by spreading this information it can help another child not lose their life so a parent does not have to experience this pain then I know I am doing my part for Macie. My journey is just beginning because I’ll never stop advocating for SIDS. I’ll never stop hoping and praying that the knowledge can be found on how to make sure it never happens again. My strength to do this and everything else these past 8 weeks and 2 days is from my beautiful daughter that I miss more each day, Macie.

Take Care,

Lisa

Spring for SIDS

Hey Friends!!

Kellie and I have been working on this event for quite some time now. We are excited to finally be able to share it with each of you!

Kellie is Maddie's mommy. Maddie got her Angel Wings on February 17th, just a few short weeks after Macie. Maddie passed away from SIDS. We don't have the autopsy results back yet, but we believe Macie also passed away from SIDS.

Spring-for-SIDS is a national event sponsored by the American SIDS Institute to raise awareness about SIDS and to raise funds for SIDS research. We, Kellie and I, are using our blogs and other outlets to spread awareness across the country. We hope you join us in our fight against Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

How do you join in the fight you ask? Well each person who makes a $5 donation will receive a sticker and a SIDS information card. Most of our blogger friends do not live close to us so unfortunately you may not receive a sticker, but you can still donate!!

Also on April 29, 2011 National Spring for SIDS Day we are asking everyone who donates to wear pink and a bow in honor of Macie and Maddie.

Donate here Please make sure when you donate you put in the team name "Team M"

Thank You and Take Care Friends!
Lisa

Statistics & Not Crumbling

Hey Friends,

Approximately 4,000,000 babies are born each year. There are about 2,500 babies that pass away each year. So that means we had a 1/1600 chance of losing Macie. If someone would have told me that I would have said, Oh that'll never happen to us. I mean bad things don't happen to good people, right? WRONG! Chris & I are good people and have always done everything right. I think we had the perfect little family even though no one is perfect. When I think of the parents that are treating their kids horribly or the ones that are addicted to drugs while their children go without it breaks my heart (I don’t know any personally, but I do know they exist). I do catch myself thinking, they get a child & I don't! REALLY! What did I do to deserve this? While I can sit here and say if only it will never bring her back. My baby is gone and moving forward is the only option there is. I don’t want to move forward without her, but I know that she will forever be a part of me that no one can take away.

When Jenny passed away I could have shut down and gone off the deep end. I didn’t because I knew my job was to protect Macie and take care of her. The day Macie was born was the happiest day of my life. I don’t know how I ever would have been able to cope with the loss of Jenny if it had not been for Macie. Macie needed me and somehow gave me strength to get through. That little girl taught me how to be happy about life after Jenny and how to love unconditionally right from the start. That little girl did more for me than she will ever know. I have always heard that a mother’s love is unlike any other, but until you become a mother that love is hard to explain and yet it is so true and real. When Macie passed away I once again could have gone off the deep end, but I haven’t. Jenny and Macie passed away exactly 6 months apart… I mean to the day. Jenny passed away on 7-25-10 and Macie passed away on 1-25-11. How does that happen? Why does that happen? Why am I being tested? I know whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I am definitely at my breaking point!!! I think the fact that they passed away 6 months apart was a sign to me to let me know that Macie is with Jenny and that they are taking care of each other and hopefully looking down on me.

I have mentioned in other blog’s my love for country music. My cousin Alyssa sent me this song and it fits perfect for the past couple of days. Enjoy! J

Take Care,
Lisa

Bitterness

Hey Friends,

Well Friday is Macie’s 2 Month Angel Day… already? It has been 8 weeks today. I can’t believe it has been that long. Doesn’t feel like it. Chris & I were suppose to go to our first support group meeting last Thursday, but we didn’t. We thought we were ready, but we found out that we aren’t. I don’t know when we will attempt to go to another one, maybe soon or maybe not for awhile. Chris and I talk about everything so maybe there isn’t any point in going?!? I can tell him things that I would never tell anyone else and he gets me in a way no one else does. Chris & Macie will always trump everyone and they will always be the most important people to me. I love my little family more than anything else in this world. Chris & I have helped each other and while I don’t know if it is possible I do feel like this has bonded us even closer together. At the end of the day, every day, I am thankful that I have him to go through this with because I know I wouldn’t survive this without him.

Sunday night at Church we had a guest speaker. This Pastor didn’t know me or Chris or anything about Macie. He talked about being bitter and how you have to let go of your bitterness towards others or it will eat you alive. I have been really bitter towards everyone that worked on Macie that day. Bitter that they didn’t save her. Bitter that it took someone so long to call me (yes it took over 90 minutes). Bitter that it took the paramedics so long to get to the babysitter’s (over 30 minutes to go less than 1 mile). Bitter that I didn’t get to the hospital before her. Bitter that I wasn’t there while they were still working on her. To put it simply I’m bitter that my daughter isn’t here and that I wasn’t with her when this happened and she had to go through it alone. I’m also bitter that I have SO many unanswered questions. I’m sure they did everything they could have, but until I get the autopsy and know for sure what happened to my daughter I am having a hard time letting go of that bitterness. I know I have to let go of the bitterness before I can ever start healing, but I have to know what happened before that process can begin. I mean the speaker even said something about being bitter about having to run through an ER and being bitter about having to go into a funeral home. I have never sat and listened to someone talk and thought the whole time, wow he is talking to me like I did Sunday night. Yes I know I should take his advice and stop being bitter towards these people and pray about it and just put it into God’s hands, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

RETRACTION: The above information regarding the paramedics was based on information that was provided to me by the babysitter. I now know that the information provided to me by her is false. According to the Police Report the paramedics arrived at 2:41pm. Also, according to the police report the babysitter checked on Macie at 2:20pm discovered she wasn't breathing and called 911 at 2:36pm.

Take Care,

Lisa

The Sweet Lady

Hey Friends,

Some conversations start out easy, but end tough. Tonight when we got out of Church there was lady that came up to me and asked if I would be interested in going to lunch or going shopping sometime. Well of course! I love to eat and I love to shop and I love making new friends! But when we started discussing Saturday's that we are both available April 9th came up. I could have said that day didn't work for me because it is my Dad's birthday, but instead I instantly said, "Oh I'm busy that Saturday I'm running in a 5K for SIDS." She quickly moved on to the next Saturday and I thought phew she isn't going to ask me about it. But... after we found a Saturday that should work she circled back to the 5K and asked me if I was going to be running just to run or running for the cause. I told her I was running for the cause and didn't elaborate. She then asked me if I knew of anyone who had lost a child to SIDS or if it was just a cause that I supported. I could feel the knot in my throat starting to appear that makes it hard to swallow and I could feel the tears starting to swell up in my eyes that wanted to just start flowing down my face. I took a deep breath and told her that my daughter passed away almost 2 months ago and why it hasn't been confirmed we have been told so far that they believe it was SIDS. Her reaction was not what I expected...she bursted into tears gave me a huge hug and just kept saying how sorry she was for my loss. I hugged her and told her thank you and shed a few tears with her. And then I took another deep breath. I couldn't go into detail about Macie even though in my head I was telling her all about her! I just kind of froze. I didn't know what to do next and she is so sweet! She said well I won't keep you and we can discuss this more on Sunday.

I then got into my car, started bawling and cried the whole 25 minute drive home. I felt like a horrible mom. I mean what kind of mother can't tell someone about their daughter? I wanted to. I wanted to tell her all of Macie's stories and tell her every detail and I wanted to show her pictures, but I just couldn't. Hopefully I will when we have our lunch & shopping trip!

I got home before Chris and when he walked in I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. He started talking about something else completely off topic and I didn't want to just bring it up when I had calmed back down.

The song below is one of the songs we had played at Macie's funeral. On the way home while I was crying I listened to this song on repeat. Yes it is sad, but it is so comforting to me at the same time. If you really listen to the words I think you will understand why...

Take Care,
Lisa

I'm NOT crazy!!

I finished the book “Heaven is for Real” last night. For anyone that hasn’t read it you REALLY need to! When it comes to the Bible there is a whole lot that I don’t know and I’m not ashamed or scared to admit that. I have been trying to learn as much as possible and it is just taking me time. When Macie went to Heaven I had so many questions: What does it look like? What is she doing? Is she still a baby? Will she be a baby when I get to Heaven? While this book wasn’t able to answer all of my questions it did tell me through a child’s perspective what Heaven is like. It was such a comfort for me to read about it. Instead of focusing on my questions I am calmer now because I feel like I know where my daughter is, what she is doing , what she is seeing and I can’t wait to hear all about it! It may seem crazy to some people, but this has helped me.

Something I have been struggling with is being happy about life in general. I know it’s ok to smile and ok to laugh, but every time I do I feel guilty and this little voice in my head is talking and I instantly stop because I think I shouldn’t be doing this since my baby died. I kept thinking there is no way this is normal. I have also been reading obituaries online because I want to know if another family is going through this same tragedy. It happens approximately 36 times a year in Kansas City so that is at least 3 times a month…so I keep checking. This is another thing that I think is not normal nor do I wish this pain even on my worst enemy. So I haven’t said much about either of these because I thought I was going crazy, I honestly did. I got a packet from Compassionate Friends today and the first 2 things I glanced at were little paragraph’s telling me both of these things are completely normal. There is a whole list of things I have been going through that I have kept to myself because I thought I was just turning into Looney Tunes McGee. After reading this packet it has helped me discover that I am not alone in this journey, I am not crazy and things that I am going through are normal for bereaved parents.

In this packet I came across this little saying someone wrote from Florida. The “althoughs” are exactly how I am feeling now and the “you wills” are my hope for the future. For that someday that I hope to reach.

You will live

                Although you feel like you are dying.

You will laugh once again

                Although you feel that emotion is lost forever.

You will think clearly again

                Although you feel very confused most of the time.

You will celebrate your child’s life

                Although now you are enveloped in the whys and if onlys of your child’s death

You will somehow make your way through this  rough work called grieving

                Although today you feel you are slipping backwards.

You will find love, understanding and caring

                Although today you are lonely, isolated and withdrawn.

Take Care,

Lisa

Here is a link my cousin Alyssa sent me on the book Heaven is for REAL if you haven’t read it then check out the link! Enjoy! J

Heaven-is-real!

The Outcome & Support Group

Hey Friends,

WooooooSaaaaaa! I survived! My dryer is fixed (yay!) and the question I was dreading did happen. They were very nice and ended up having to go out the window in Macie's room to get to the vent on the roof. When I was helping move things out of the way one of the guys asked me, "So how old is your little girl? I love the name Macie". (We have letters on the wall in her room that Chris and I painted and glued flowers to that spell out her name). I took a deep breath and without skipping a beat I said she is still a baby and quickly changed the subject. I wanted to just crumble and cry, but I held it together. When we were moving things out of the way we had to move her little chair that she always sat in (The one in her video). The guy went to go move it and I wasn't trying to seem possessive, but I quickly jumped over and grabbed it from him and moved it. Now this is probably really weird, but if any of Macie's things were going to be moved I wanted to be the one to move them.  My "event" that I was dreading turned out just fine and I made it through!

I have said earlier that time has kept going while I'm ready for it to stop. Well while time has kept going my hair has started to grow back. Some people know this, but most people don't. I have lost a lot of hair during this. It has never bothered me because I know the body reacts in different ways to such a traumatic event and I knew it would come back in time. Well if my hair is down you can't tell I have lost even a single hair, but when I pull up the sides of my hair you can see the baby hairs that now cover the thinning spots and when I pull up my bangs you can see the same thing.   

And with time moving forward I will be going to my first support group meeting on Thursday. I'm very nervous and scared about this. I think it will be beneficial, but it breaks my heart that there are other people that know this kind of pain, sorrow and emptiness. Also, that there are enough of us that there is a support group. I think listening to other people's stories may help, but we will see. Maybe they will be able to say things that they are going through and I will be able to relate and instead of thinking I'm crazy I will discover this is normal. Maybe one day I will be able to get up a share with them about Macie, but I know it is still too soon. I would be able to stand up, but as soon as I said her name the tears would start flowing and they would no longer be able to understand me. So for now I will be a listener.

I'm definitely not an expert on this, but I know that the steps I'm taking and the things I'm doing is what is best for me. I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone that has read my blog and left comments. I do read and appreciate all of them. And I want to thank you for following my journey through the hardest time of my life.

Take Care,
Lisa

P.S. Below is a picture of Macie & Chris, my 2 Favorite people! They were both sleeping so I layed Macie down next to her Daddy really quickly and snapped a picture before laying her back down in her crib :) They look so much alike!!

Daddy's Little Girl

Tuesday & The Repair Man

Hey Friends,

 

 

Well it is Tuesday, again. Tuesday the day that I dread. Tuesday the day that I relive everything. Tuesday which is by far the worst day of the week. It's such a strange feeling to me that my life has kept going when I have been ready for time to stand still. Each day is a new day and each minute is another minute longer since I have seen my baby, but it is also another day closer and another minute closer until I get to see her again. I will see her smile, look into her warm eyes and feel her soft cheek on mine. My heavy arms that long to hold her will be relieved by the touch of my little girl.

We have a repair man coming to our house today to fix our dryer vent. It may be weird, but I'm so nervous about him coming. He is going to walk in and all he is going to do is fix my dryer (which I don't think I will be able to thank him enough for), but when he see's the pictures of Macie is going to ask me how old she is? Is he going to ask me where she is? Is he going to say anything about her or will he just do his job and not say a word to me about her? My stomach is in knots. What do I say? He doesn't know me so there is no need to explain anything, but do I tell him about her? Or do I put a smile on my face and say she is 5 months and 9 days old (Because that is how old she should be)? Or do I say she is 3 months and 19 days (Because that is how old she was when she got her angel wings)? I don't know what to do and I don't know why something so little has got me so worried! He is going to be here any minute so I should probably decide my plan. Or maybe I will just calm down and go with it. WoooooSaaaaa! (That is from Bad Boys II for anyone that recognizes it).


Take Care,
Lisa

Saturday

Hey Friends,

 

It's Saturday morning and we are at home. Saturday the day of the week that I used to look so forward to. Saturday the day that all 3 of us would spend together. We would play, hang out and just be a family. Well now my family is broken. The chain is broken and the precious link is missing. I woke up this morning and thought today is going to be a good day. Well when I walked out of our room I started seeing Macie's picture everywhere and that saddness that I have talked about got the best of me and I can't stop crying. I just want my daughter so badly. I long for her to just be downstairs in her little chair with her daddy, but I know she isn't.

 

Our house has lost that "baby" smell and it breaks my heart. I still have her clothes from that day and the few days prior in her hamper. I went into her room this morning and grabbed the sleeper that she was wearing in the last photo I ever took of her and it still smells like her. It has her formula stain on it and I can smell her and her formula. I never thought I would miss formula so much, but I do. I really do. When I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee I opened the cabinet and her bottles and formula are still on the first shelf. I just want to be making her a bottle and getting ready for the day. 

 

The week prior to this happening I was researching how to make baby food. I was going to attempt to make baby food. I don't know if it would have worked, but it was my plan. I just realized, when I thought about the date, that Macie would have been and should be 5 months and 6 days old today. She probably would already be eating baby food. We would be and should be onto the next stage with our baby girl. I used to always tell Chris that I can't wait for her to be doing this or that. He would always tell me to enjoy the now which I did, but I couldn't help it I was always looking to the future and was excited for the next stages. 

I still listen to the song One More Day by Rocket Club every morning. It has been and still is such a powerful song to me. It kind of goes hand in hand with me always looking to the future. There is so much that I am never going to get to see her do that I should be seeing her do...

 

Take Care,

Lisa

Backwards...

Hey Friends,

I have been told it will get easier in time. Well I haven't reached the right amount of time where this has even started to get a tiny bit easier. In fact yesterday and today I feel like I am starting to go backwards. At first I needed to see all of Macie's pictures all of the time and I was ok looking at them. In fact I loved seeing her beautiful smile. I still do, but they have gotten harder for me to look at. Yesterday and today I see one picture and I'm down for the count. I just cry and cry. Granted I will never take one picture down or move it because I love seeing her they are just breaking my heart a little more than normal these past 48 hours. I know you aren't suppose to question God and his plan, but I must admit I have been. I want so badly to know and understand what his plan is and why he needed Macie so soon.

I have mentioned in other posts that Chris has two sisters, Liz & Jess. I think these girls had esp yesterday. When I was at work all of the sudden this instant sadness came over me and I was about to totally lose it at my desk. Then my phone lit up and it was a text from Liz and all she said was, "Hey Pretty Lady! How are you today." I could picture Liz in my head saying this and it brought a smile to my face and the sadness had left. It was definitely perfect timing. I talked to her for awhile through text about nothing inparticular, but it was long enough that when I got done talking to her I no longer felt like I was going to have a total break down. Then last night I was on the verge of tears again. That same sudden sadness came over me and I just wanted to bawl. Again my phone lit up only this time it was a text from Jess. It was a picture of her in her wedding dress and she looked absolutely gorgeous! (She is getting married June 17th and I can't wait!). I texted her for awhile and when I was done I no longer felt like I was going to just start bawling. Sometimes it is definitely about the small gestures that people do and like these two did and didn't even know they had done anything at all. To them they were just texting their sister-in-law, but to me it was so much more because it was what I needed to hold it together. I don't have sisters, but I don't think I could love these two any more if they were my sisters instead of Chris'.

We still don't have any updates on the autopsy so we are still waiting. I know it has only been 6 weeks and we have 2 more weeks to wait, but to me it might as well be 100 years. Every day we check the mail and think maybe it'll be in there today. Maybe once I know exactly what happened to my baby and why her tiny body gave out then I might be able to start healing. I'm not sure if knowing is going to make a difference in this grieving process, but it will definitely give me peace of mind. I have said  this in other posts and it still holds true...I need a step-by-step of everything that happened. I need to understand why she couldn't have been saved. Basically I just want an explanation of why our baby is no longer her with us.

Take Care,

Lisa

Liz & Macie

Liz & Jess

P.S. I have been talking to Kellie a lot lately and we have been helping each other a lot. :) Even though she is in Texas and I'm in Missouri. Thank goodness for technology! :) On a side note she signed me up for this really cool thing called e-mealz. I'm definitely not a spokesman for them, but I have loved it so I thought I would share it with all of you.

E-Mealz

6 Weeks...

Hey Friends,

 

It's going to take more than 1 mean comment to get me down so here we go...

 

I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks. For 6 weeks straight I wasn't away from Macie. She was with me every second of the day. She mostly slept, but I mostly just staring at her with amazement and was constantly dreading the day that I would have to return to work and take her to daycare. (Side note: I do love my job, but I didn't like that I had to be away from her.) I swear I slept with one eye open constantly watching her breath. When I was maternity leave 6 weeks seemed like it went by in a flash. Well now 6 weeks seems like forever. It has been 6 weeks today since Macie got her angel wings. 6 weeks since I have seen her or held her. 6 weeks since she was in the back seat in her car seat. It seems like it has been forever since I have seen or held my baby girl's hand. I still don't understand and can't comprehend the "fair" in all of this. To me it is unfair, unjust and just down right rude. Who takes a child from it's mother? That is a question no one can answer.

 

Tuesday's are hard on me. In fact so far I have relived that day every Tuesday since. I'm constantly glancing at the clock thinking in my head at this time I was doing this or at this time I was finding out this or the one that kills me is at this time this was happening and I had no idea anything was going on. I know this probably isn't healthy, but I can't help it. Replaying it is what I am doing now. At 4:20 every Tuesday I pause. It doesn't matter what I am doing I pause. This is the time the doctor said to me, "Your little girl passed away today." Nothing is as painful as hearing that the first time, but every Tuesday when I pause at 4:20 a little piece of me dies all over again. And when I pause and feel that pain the first thing I do is pray for God to give me strength to make it through. Strength is something I need.

 

I wouldn't call this a talent, but one thing I have always been able to do is shut down. I don't know if it is from playing sports or what. I can be crying inside, but somehow I can put a smile on my face and no one would know anything is bothering me. I feel like I'm crumbling on the inside and my world is shattered, but on the outside I can give the appearance of someone who isn't grieving. Like I said I would never call that a talent, but for some reason or another I am able to do it. That is part of the reason why this journal/blog is so important to me. I could never sit and talk to someone about any of this stuff because I would shut down, but I can write and I can say anything because I don't have to look anyone in the face and say it.

 

Well my fear of actually having to talk to someone is going to become a reality. March 31-April 2 Chris and I are going to attend a bereaved parent conference. There are a bunch of different workshops and speakers. I was leery of going because I didn't think I was ready to listen, but then it occurred to me... if I don't go now when will I? This is never going to get easier so I just need to jump in and get my feet wet. I'm hoping this conference gives me tools that I find helpful in surviving the loss of my baby girl. Right now I have no idea where to go from here so maybe this conference will give me a little piece of something that will show me where to go.

 

I don't ever want to get over this, that is not what I am saying.  But I am hoping that one day I will think of Macie or I will see her video and I will get a huge proud smile on my face for being chosen to be her mother instead of the tears that have started to stream down my face again. Macie holds a place in my heart that only a child can and a hole has been left the size of a crater and it will never be filled until we meet again.

 

Some day baby girl we will be reunited.

 

We had this song sang at Macie's funeral and the words are so powerful to me and yet so true!

 

I've got more to go to Heaven for than I had yesterday...

 

Take care,

Lisa

Crystal

Hey Friends,

 

Crystal and I met the first day of Freshman year at College of St. Mary and became instant friends. We have been best friends since and that was almost 9 years ago.

 

When we were leaving the hospital that night and all of our family had been called I looked at Chris and said I have to call Crystal. She can't hear about this from anyone, but me. He asked if I wanted him to call her, but even though I knew it was going to be an impossible phone call to make I knew she had to hear my voice.

 

It takes a lot to shock her, but she was definitely shocked. She just kept saying I don't believe you, there is no way Macie is gone. I even had Chris get on the phone because I started crying too hard to get any words out. When I regained my composure and got back on the phone she had already gone into the mode that only a best friend can. She was coming to KC and was going to be here with me for whatever I needed. Well it was already pitch black out so she waited until the next morning and I'm glad she did. The drive from Omaha to KC is horrible anyways, but especially at night.

 

I have said to her many times, I did everything right. Crystal just kept saying yes you did and Macie knew you loved her all you have to do is look at all of your videos. Look at how her face lights up when she hears your & Chris' voices. She told me many times that I was an amazing mother and that we may not understand, but she was certain there was a plan. I trust Crystal and for some reason when she said this it made more sense then someone I barely know saying it to me. I also kept asking her, Where do I go from here? She was honest and said she didn't know, but that it was important for me to take it one day at a time and to always remember that Macie will forever be in my heart and no one can take her from me there.

 

I hung out with Crystal the other night and she said she now takes a deep breath every time she sees my name pop up on her phone before she answers. I call her all the time so in the grand scheme of things her receiving horrible news from me is 0.000001% of the time, but it dawned on me when she said this that I was the one that called her to tell her about Jenny. That was also a horrible phone call to make as well, but again I gained my composure and knew she had to hear it from me. I know there is texting or facebook, but those are not appropriate ways for people to find out such news in my opinion.

 

Crystal and I have been best friends for a long time and we have always talked about everything and we have always been available for whatever, whenever. During the past 8 months her best friend card has definitely been working overtime. She has listened to me many times and let me bounce things off of her of how I feel about this or that or how I am feeling at that exact moment. We are still waiting on the autopsy so we still don't know for sure what happened to our precious Macie, but Crystal has heard every possibility I think it may have been. (I have never been one to just sit and wait and this is no exception).

 

The day of the viewing she left a note and a present at the front desk of the hotel we were staying at. When one of the employees brought it up to our room I was shocked and didn't know what it was or who it was from. When I opened it I got tears in my eyes because it was a mother of pearl necklace and it is gorgeous just like Macie. My best friend had known what I needed. I instantly put it on and then sat down and read the note she had left with it. She told me how beautiful Macie was and what an amazing mother I was and still am. She said she may not have the answers, but she knew that the memories I had from the 3 months and 19 days of Macie's far too short life were memories no one can take. We are always honest with each other and she said the next couple days were going to be impossible and she couldn't imagine. After I read the note I had Chris read it and he saw the necklace and he said Crystal has been and always will be an amazing friend and he's so glad I have a friend like her. I have worn the necklace everyday since that day and I will wear everyday until forever. 

 

Crystal has always been someone I can lean on, say anything to and ask her opinion and I will be forever grateful for our friendship. I am so glad I met her the first day of college and that we just clicked the way we did and still do.

 

Below is a picture of Crystal and I and then there is also a link to one of the many videos I was referring to above. These videos are hard for me to watch as they pull at my heart strings because I long to hold her, hear her, see her. I am so thankful I took all of the videos I did. I get to see my little girl alive and cooing at me and these are the memories that can never be erased. (This is only 1 video there are about 8 of them on YouTube if you want to watch all of them)

 

In this video Chris walks in and Macie can hear his voice and you can see the way she lights up when she hears her daddy. :)

 

Enjoy and Take Care Friends,

Lisa

 

 

 

 

The Perfect Gift...

Below is a picture of Macie's hand and foot that was giving to us. To someone else it may seem morbid, but to me it is perfection. I am forever grateful to have this present. It is a mold of my little girl's hand and foot. I will always be able to see every wrinkle, her nails, her chubby wrist and ankle. It is perfect. It is my baby. My pinkie is a perfect fit into her hand the way only a parents can be...

I will never be able to express how much this means to me!

Take Care,

Lisa

Jenny

Hey Friends,

I have been blessed in my life to have two bestfriends, Jenny and Crystal. They mean the world to me.

If someone would have asked me what the worst day of my life was on July 24, 2010 I would have responded I'm not sure. If someone would have asked me July 25, 2010 I would have said today. That day is the day I lost my bestfriend Jenny in a car accident. I always questioned God and said why her and why now. I would catch myself saying don't you understand I need her. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. Jenny and Crystal were doing my baby shower which was August 7. When it came to my wedding I couldn't pick one of them so they both were my maids of honor. They both did my bridal shower. They both understand me on a different level.

When I called Jenny to tell her I was pregnant I will never forget the excitment in her voice. She couldn't have been more thrilled if she was the one pregnant. The next thing that came out of her mouth was, "I'm doing the baby shower!!" I talked to Jenny everyday. She would always call me with the most off the wall things and they would crack me up. One of the last texts I have from her is when she was in Hobby Lobby and sent me a text to let me know they had their Christmas stuff out and that she thought it was a little early...looking back it was too early! 

I talked to her for a long time the Friday before her accident and we always talked about everything. We had decided that she was going to be the one to watch Macie. She couldn't find a teaching job (since KC decided to cut those jobs) and it was all going to fall into place perfectly. I trusted her more than I could have ever trusted anyone. It was a huge relief that my daughter was going to be with her. I always knew Jenny would be like a second mom to her. She was so excited about it. We talked about how she would be at my house every minute while I was on maternity leave learning Macie's routine and keeping me company. We talked about the tour I did at the hospital and I told her how she was going to have to say her name into the intercom to come up to the room to see Macie. She was exstatic. She was the kind of friend you don't just find.

Her funeral was so hard on me as I’m sure it was for everyone else too. I just kept thinking this can't really be happening. That can't be her. I know my phone is going to ring and it'll be her and everything will be fine and my life as I knew it would go back to normal. She was going to be here, she had to be. At the visitation and funeral I was crying, but felt like I couldn't let all of my emotion out because I didn't want to put any stress on Macie. I felt like I had to hold it together. 

The day I had Macie was the happiest day of my life. Becoming a mom is something I wanted more than anything and my dream had finally become a reality. I had a perfectly healthy baby girl and I was blessed to have been chosen to be her mother. I remember in the hospital just staring at her in amazement that she was mine. She was so pretty, so perfect. I just kept staring at her little face and putting my finger into her tiny hands. I  remember when everyone was walking in to see her for the first time this instant sadness came over me because I knew Jenny wasn't going to ever walk through that door. She was never going to meet Macie. All of our plans that we had discussed were never going to come true. She wasn't going to be at my house when I was on maternity leave. She wasn't going to watch Macie. She wasn't going to be like a second mom to Macie. Having Macie was the happiest day of my life, but when I thought about Jenny not being in Macie’s life it broke my heart.

I know I can't physically talk to Jenny anymore so I will talk out loud and discuss things with her (when I was alone otherwise people would think I’m nuts!) or I will write her letters. I look back through my letters and all of them are about Macie. Telling her every little detail about my baby girl and how I wish she was here to see her grow up with me.

The song that I listened to a lot right after Jenny passed away is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHZCAcSh7ls (Tobey Keith- Cryin’ for Me).

I still listen to it sometimes, but it still makes me cry.

If someone would have asked me what the worst day of my life was on January 25, 2011 I would have said today. That is the day Macie got her angel wings. I still don’t know why and I may never fully understand why my baby was taken from me. But I honestly feel like my baby was taken from me. I will go through the details and the step by step of what I experienced that day, but right now I can’t. It’s still too painful.

Take Care,

Lisa

Macie and Me

Macie and Me...

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

I love you and miss you more everyday baby girl.

Love Always,
Mommy

Unbelievable

Hey Friends,

 

This wasn't suppose to happen to us. This shouldn't happen to anyone. Well unfortunately it has. Kellie and her husband lost their 4 month old daughter, Maddie. Same situation only theirs was 2 weeks ago. Our daughters were born a week apart and got their angel wings 3 weeks apart. It breaks my heart that this has happened to someone else. That another mom understands my pain, my sorrow, my anger, my everything. Their blog was shared with me by Crystal and after reading it I knew I had to e-mail them. I had to reach out to them and let them know they aren't alone. I have spoken to Maddie's Mom and while neither of us know what to do at least we have each other to talk to. At least we each have someone to talk to that "gets it" on another level. The only thing we do know is that we are going to read the book "Heaven is for Real". She has been told to read it and so have I. Has anyone read it? If so, any comments?

 

Every time you think of Chris, Macie and I say a prayer for us and also say a prayer for Kellie, James and Maddie.

 

Thank you Friends!

 

Take Care,

Lisa

10 Words

Hey Friends,

 

So I have read a lot of information on grief. Some I like and some I think is for the birds. One thing I came across said to write down 10 words to describe what you are going through. Then take these 10 words and divide them up in a journal like chapters and then when you are having that emotion write about it. Well I haven't written them in a journal, but I have written down my 10 words. I have listed them below in no particular order.

 

1. Nightmare

2. Adrenaline

3. Anger

4. Disappointment

5. Disbelief

6. Hate

7. Anxiety

9. Sorrow

10. Pain

 

There is no right or wrong answer for this. So these are the words I have chosen, but someone else might choose words completely different from mine. I may write them in a journal or I may just stare at them for a little while longer before I do anything with them.

 

Last Friday was the 1 month anniversay of Macie passing away. Chris and I went to Michael's Craft Store and got Silk Flowers and I made a flower arrangement that we put on her grave last Friday. Chris' cousin Shannon is amazing with her camera and took pictures of the flower arrangement and they are below.

 

Take Care,

Lisa

 

 

One More Day

Hey Friends,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scC-jaycnEE (One More Day by Rocket Club)

I have been listening to this song a lot over the past 12 hours. I listened to it before I went to bed and again first thing this morning. It is such a powerful song to me in the fact that this is how I am feeling. It breaks my heart when I think of all the things I don't get to see her do like crawl, her first steps, hear her first words, see her first day of school, her graduation day, her wedding day. Yes it makes me cry to listen to it, but it is comforting also. I don't understand why Macie. She was such a happy little girl. She was everything to me. To me she was perfect.

I have been blessed in my life to have the parents that I do. Yes they are my parents first, but they are also my friend. Most of the time people are close to one parent or the other well I am close with both of my parents. I can call them and talk to them about anything at any time of the day. Sunday at Church the Pastor talked about planting seeds and that if you have a good relationship with your parents then they did their job in planting seeds. I couldn't help but think while he was talking that I would have done this with Macie. I always pictured having the kind of relationship with Macie that I have with my mom. An open book, no judgement, discuss anything and everything. It hurts to know that I will never get to experience this type of relationship with Macie. That she is no longer here. I also always pictured having more children and Macie having the kind of relationship her siblings that I have with my brother and Chris has with his sisters. That steal trap relationship that no one can break.

My Mom & Macie

My Dad & Macie

Take Care,

Lisa