It's Saturday morning and we are at home. Saturday the day of the week that I used to look so forward to. Saturday the day that all 3 of us would spend together. We would play, hang out and just be a family. Well now my family is broken. The chain is broken and the precious link is missing. I woke up this morning and thought today is going to be a good day. Well when I walked out of our room I started seeing Macie's picture everywhere and that saddness that I have talked about got the best of me and I can't stop crying. I just want my daughter so badly. I long for her to just be downstairs in her little chair with her daddy, but I know she isn't.
Our house has lost that "baby" smell and it breaks my heart. I still have her clothes from that day and the few days prior in her hamper. I went into her room this morning and grabbed the sleeper that she was wearing in the last photo I ever took of her and it still smells like her. It has her formula stain on it and I can smell her and her formula. I never thought I would miss formula so much, but I do. I really do. When I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee I opened the cabinet and her bottles and formula are still on the first shelf. I just want to be making her a bottle and getting ready for the day.
The week prior to this happening I was researching how to make baby food. I was going to attempt to make baby food. I don't know if it would have worked, but it was my plan. I just realized, when I thought about the date, that Macie would have been and should be 5 months and 6 days old today. She probably would already be eating baby food. We would be and should be onto the next stage with our baby girl. I used to always tell Chris that I can't wait for her to be doing this or that. He would always tell me to enjoy the now which I did, but I couldn't help it I was always looking to the future and was excited for the next stages.
I still listen to the song One More Day by Rocket Club every morning. It has been and still is such a powerful song to me. It kind of goes hand in hand with me always looking to the future. There is so much that I am never going to get to see her do that I should be seeing her do...