Tuesday, March 8, 2011

6 Weeks...

Hey Friends,
It's going to take more than 1 mean comment to get me down so here we go...
I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks. For 6 weeks straight I wasn't away from Macie. She was with me every second of the day. She mostly slept, but I mostly just staring at her with amazement and was constantly dreading the day that I would have to return to work and take her to daycare. (Side note: I do love my job, but I didn't like that I had to be away from her.) I swear I slept with one eye open constantly watching her breath. When I was maternity leave 6 weeks seemed like it went by in a flash. Well now 6 weeks seems like forever. It has been 6 weeks today since Macie got her angel wings. 6 weeks since I have seen her or held her. 6 weeks since she was in the back seat in her car seat. It seems like it has been forever since I have seen or held my baby girl's hand. I still don't understand and can't comprehend the "fair" in all of this. To me it is unfair, unjust and just down right rude. Who takes a child from it's mother? That is a question no one can answer.
Tuesday's are hard on me. In fact so far I have relived that day every Tuesday since. I'm constantly glancing at the clock thinking in my head at this time I was doing this or at this time I was finding out this or the one that kills me is at this time this was happening and I had no idea anything was going on. I know this probably isn't healthy, but I can't help it. Replaying it is what I am doing now. At 4:20 every Tuesday I pause. It doesn't matter what I am doing I pause. This is the time the doctor said to me, "Your little girl passed away today." Nothing is as painful as hearing that the first time, but every Tuesday when I pause at 4:20 a little piece of me dies all over again. And when I pause and feel that pain the first thing I do is pray for God to give me strength to make it through. Strength is something I need.
I wouldn't call this a talent, but one thing I have always been able to do is shut down. I don't know if it is from playing sports or what. I can be crying inside, but somehow I can put a smile on my face and no one would know anything is bothering me. I feel like I'm crumbling on the inside and my world is shattered, but on the outside I can give the appearance of someone who isn't grieving. Like I said I would never call that a talent, but for some reason or another I am able to do it. That is part of the reason why this journal/blog is so important to me. I could never sit and talk to someone about any of this stuff because I would shut down, but I can write and I can say anything because I don't have to look anyone in the face and say it.
Well my fear of actually having to talk to someone is going to become a reality. March 31-April 2 Chris and I are going to attend a bereaved parent conference. There are a bunch of different workshops and speakers. I was leery of going because I didn't think I was ready to listen, but then it occurred to me... if I don't go now when will I? This is never going to get easier so I just need to jump in and get my feet wet. I'm hoping this conference gives me tools that I find helpful in surviving the loss of my baby girl. Right now I have no idea where to go from here so maybe this conference will give me a little piece of something that will show me where to go.
I don't ever want to get over this, that is not what I am saying.  But I am hoping that one day I will think of Macie or I will see her video and I will get a huge proud smile on my face for being chosen to be her mother instead of the tears that have started to stream down my face again. Macie holds a place in my heart that only a child can and a hole has been left the size of a crater and it will never be filled until we meet again.
Some day baby girl we will be reunited.
We had this song sang at Macie's funeral and the words are so powerful to me and yet so true!
I've got more to go to Heaven for than I had yesterday...
Take care,


  1. For many, many weeks I had a hard time with Sundays because that was the day that my daughter got sick. It was the day it all happened. Eventually, my mind stopped going there so much, but sometimes I still think about what we were doing on THAT sunday. I still don't like them.
    I hope you find comfort in writing and getting it all out.

  2. Lisa,
    Praying for you to get that strength back and that you can have a true smile on your face. I know Macie would love to see you happy but then I know it is hard to be happy when something so precious is taken away from you too soon. That song that you posted is so true. I lost my first child and I can't wait till the day that I get to Heaven to see my Angel but as for now I know that my grandmother is enjoying rocking and taking care of my Angel. I read your blog every single day and I cry with you as I read the words you right and I see the pain you are going through. I can't wait until that day that we get to have that GREAT REUNION with our love ones who have gone on before us and to see JESUS!!!!

  3. Lisa, I was looking on the internet and came across this poem. It made me think of you and Kellie. I hope it touches you the way it touched me.
    I'm An Angel Now
    Author Unknown
    One night I cried to Jesus
    As I sat beneath the tree;
    I looked up into the open sky
    And hoped He'd answer me.

    "I'm lost dear lord...
    I've traveled far but still I seem to roam;
    Please light the way and lead me, Lord,
    I need to get back home."

    I told him of my burdens
    And of the sadness in my heart;
    That from his gracious love
    I'd never felt so far apart.

    "Why did you take my child, Lord?
    I cannot understand!
    No longer can I touch her face
    Or hold her tiny hand."

    "I'm angry, Lord... I'm missing her,
    I'm drowning in my sorrow;
    Please help to heal my yesterday
    And face each new tomorrow."

    It was then I heard her gentle voice
    And felt her presence near;
    How I wanted so to hold her
    As I cried another tear.

    She said "Mommy, I'm an angel now,
    My spirit will be free;
    I'm an angel now in heaven,
    So please don't cry for me."

    "I was chosen by our Lord above
    And now I'm in His care;
    Whenever you need me,
    Just look inside your heart;
    I promise to be there."

    "No one can ever take away
    Our bond with one another:
    For I'll always be your precious child,
    As you will always be my mother."

    "So if you cannot find your way
    Or the road to home seems far;
    Just look up to the Heavens
    And I'll be your guiding star."

    She said "Mommy, I'm an angel now,
    My spirit will be free;
    I'm an angel now in Heaven...
    There's no need to cry for me."

    Praying for you!!!

  4. I came across your blog from Kellie's. I'm so sorry for everything that you have gone through. Losing a child is one of the worst things in the world. <3 I will keep you in my prayers. I think the retreat sounds like a fabulous idea. It might help bring the healing that you need.