Some conversations start out easy, but end tough. Tonight when we got out of Church there was lady that came up to me and asked if I would be interested in going to lunch or going shopping sometime. Well of course! I love to eat and I love to shop and I love making new friends! But when we started discussing Saturday's that we are both available April 9th came up. I could have said that day didn't work for me because it is my Dad's birthday, but instead I instantly said, "Oh I'm busy that Saturday I'm running in a 5K for SIDS." She quickly moved on to the next Saturday and I thought phew she isn't going to ask me about it. But... after we found a Saturday that should work she circled back to the 5K and asked me if I was going to be running just to run or running for the cause. I told her I was running for the cause and didn't elaborate. She then asked me if I knew of anyone who had lost a child to SIDS or if it was just a cause that I supported. I could feel the knot in my throat starting to appear that makes it hard to swallow and I could feel the tears starting to swell up in my eyes that wanted to just start flowing down my face. I took a deep breath and told her that my daughter passed away almost 2 months ago and why it hasn't been confirmed we have been told so far that they believe it was SIDS. Her reaction was not what I expected...she bursted into tears gave me a huge hug and just kept saying how sorry she was for my loss. I hugged her and told her thank you and shed a few tears with her. And then I took another deep breath. I couldn't go into detail about Macie even though in my head I was telling her all about her! I just kind of froze. I didn't know what to do next and she is so sweet! She said well I won't keep you and we can discuss this more on Sunday.
I then got into my car, started bawling and cried the whole 25 minute drive home. I felt like a horrible mom. I mean what kind of mother can't tell someone about their daughter? I wanted to. I wanted to tell her all of Macie's stories and tell her every detail and I wanted to show her pictures, but I just couldn't. Hopefully I will when we have our lunch & shopping trip!
I got home before Chris and when he walked in I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. He started talking about something else completely off topic and I didn't want to just bring it up when I had calmed back down.
The song below is one of the songs we had played at Macie's funeral. On the way home while I was crying I listened to this song on repeat. Yes it is sad, but it is so comforting to me at the same time. If you really listen to the words I think you will understand why...