Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Hey Friends,

Well Friday is Macie’s 2 Month Angel Day… already? It has been 8 weeks today. I can’t believe it has been that long. Doesn’t feel like it. Chris & I were suppose to go to our first support group meeting last Thursday, but we didn’t. We thought we were ready, but we found out that we aren’t. I don’t know when we will attempt to go to another one, maybe soon or maybe not for awhile. Chris and I talk about everything so maybe there isn’t any point in going?!? I can tell him things that I would never tell anyone else and he gets me in a way no one else does. Chris & Macie will always trump everyone and they will always be the most important people to me. I love my little family more than anything else in this world. Chris & I have helped each other and while I don’t know if it is possible I do feel like this has bonded us even closer together. At the end of the day, every day, I am thankful that I have him to go through this with because I know I wouldn’t survive this without him.

Sunday night at Church we had a guest speaker. This Pastor didn’t know me or Chris or anything about Macie. He talked about being bitter and how you have to let go of your bitterness towards others or it will eat you alive. I have been really bitter towards everyone that worked on Macie that day. Bitter that they didn’t save her. Bitter that it took someone so long to call me (yes it took over 90 minutes). Bitter that it took the paramedics so long to get to the babysitter’s (over 30 minutes to go less than 1 mile). Bitter that I didn’t get to the hospital before her. Bitter that I wasn’t there while they were still working on her. To put it simply I’m bitter that my daughter isn’t here and that I wasn’t with her when this happened and she had to go through it alone. I’m also bitter that I have SO many unanswered questions. I’m sure they did everything they could have, but until I get the autopsy and know for sure what happened to my daughter I am having a hard time letting go of that bitterness. I know I have to let go of the bitterness before I can ever start healing, but I have to know what happened before that process can begin. I mean the speaker even said something about being bitter about having to run through an ER and being bitter about having to go into a funeral home. I have never sat and listened to someone talk and thought the whole time, wow he is talking to me like I did Sunday night. Yes I know I should take his advice and stop being bitter towards these people and pray about it and just put it into God’s hands, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

RETRACTION: The above information regarding the paramedics was based on information that was provided to me by the babysitter. I now know that the information provided to me by her is false. According to the Police Report the paramedics arrived at 2:41pm. Also, according to the police report the babysitter checked on Macie at 2:20pm discovered she wasn't breathing and called 911 at 2:36pm.
Take Care,


  1. i'm so proud of you. how you are being. what you are doing. who you are. i'm so thankful you are sharing. i'm so thankful you care. i'm so proud of you lisa. keep being real.....even if it means your bitter today....tomorrow or for awhile. i'm so proud of you. you are loved. God knows. keep going...

  2. Well I finally caught up on your last week of blogs - there is no loss of strength here. Even though I talk to you nearly everyday it is so good (in a not very good way) to read about the different challenges you face each and every day. It is nearly impossible for someone like me to truely understand this. Both you and Chris are so amazing to me how you are working through this alone but together! You both are an inspiration to me. Talk to you tomorrow :).

  3. it's only been 8 weeks..I say you have every right to be bitter...and as long as you are aware that you "should' let go of your bitterness at some point then your ok! I'm my opinion you get a 'bye' to feel any way you want to feel for a while. at some point maybe you will need to be 'accountable' again...but for now hey have at it...be bitter do whatever it takes to heal! I think the fact that you open your eyes everyday makes you a hero!

  4. Lisa,
    You are so right about it being so hard to not be bitter about things at times. It took me a lot of prayer and a long time to get over my bitterness and hatred that I had towards some people but I knew that if I wanted to get to Heaven I had to let it go. Its hard sometimes to let it go too when they don't come to you and ask for you forgivness or even acknowledge your feeling and how you are hurting. Some have never been in your shoes so they say just pray and get over it but its not that easy at time. With God, I have been able to let go and I have been healing from it. I have gotten so much closer to God since then. If it wasn't for that I would be a bitter person right now. I will never forget the night that my baby had a febrile seizure and quit breathing on us on the way to the hospital. My husband was on the phone with onstar as soon as we pulled out of our drive and they never got in touch with the paremedics. (No one would answer the phone there) We had finally reached the hospital and still no paramedics. The onstar lady wanted to know if we wanted to wait on them and we told her no that we would ride until we met them. Well thank God we didn't wait on them because who knows it may have been too late. When he quit breathing on me all I could do was pray (thank God I didnt have the hatred anymore because I would have had to pray for forgiveness first before praying for my baby who was turing blue) and as soon as I started praying my baby started breathing again. It is like God just blew fresh breathe into him. Back to the speaker,its amazing how God sends a messenger of his (Preacher,Singer,Etc) to speak to us. He uses them to get to us and open our eyes. I have had many preachers that have come up to me and told me stuff that was going on in my life that no one knew of but me and God or my family. It would be preachers that didn't even know me and I didn't know them. God is good and he works things out for us to our good. I know the pain is still there and no one can ever take that away if I could I would for a lot of my friends whose blogs I follow. Like I have said before, when a sister (in Christ) of mine hurts, I hurt with them because we are supposed to be family of God and be there for each other. I am praying for you guys and I hope you get the results back soon so that the healing can begin. The devil is a liar so don't let him get you down. I know he puts things in our mind that isn't true. The Bible says that if we just speak the name of Jesus the enemy (devil) has to flee.