Well Friday is Macie’s 2 Month Angel Day… already? It has been 8 weeks today. I can’t believe it has been that long. Doesn’t feel like it. Chris & I were suppose to go to our first support group meeting last Thursday, but we didn’t. We thought we were ready, but we found out that we aren’t. I don’t know when we will attempt to go to another one, maybe soon or maybe not for awhile. Chris and I talk about everything so maybe there isn’t any point in going?!? I can tell him things that I would never tell anyone else and he gets me in a way no one else does. Chris & Macie will always trump everyone and they will always be the most important people to me. I love my little family more than anything else in this world. Chris & I have helped each other and while I don’t know if it is possible I do feel like this has bonded us even closer together. At the end of the day, every day, I am thankful that I have him to go through this with because I know I wouldn’t survive this without him.
Sunday night at Church we had a guest speaker. This Pastor didn’t know me or Chris or anything about Macie. He talked about being bitter and how you have to let go of your bitterness towards others or it will eat you alive. I have been really bitter towards everyone that worked on Macie that day. Bitter that they didn’t save her. Bitter that it took someone so long to call me (yes it took over 90 minutes). Bitter that it took the paramedics so long to get to the babysitter’s (over 30 minutes to go less than 1 mile). Bitter that I didn’t get to the hospital before her. Bitter that I wasn’t there while they were still working on her. To put it simply I’m bitter that my daughter isn’t here and that I wasn’t with her when this happened and she had to go through it alone. I’m also bitter that I have SO many unanswered questions. I’m sure they did everything they could have, but until I get the autopsy and know for sure what happened to my daughter I am having a hard time letting go of that bitterness. I know I have to let go of the bitterness before I can ever start healing, but I have to know what happened before that process can begin. I mean the speaker even said something about being bitter about having to run through an ER and being bitter about having to go into a funeral home. I have never sat and listened to someone talk and thought the whole time, wow he is talking to me like I did Sunday night. Yes I know I should take his advice and stop being bitter towards these people and pray about it and just put it into God’s hands, but sometimes that is easier said than done.
RETRACTION: The above information regarding the paramedics was based on information that was provided to me by the babysitter. I now know that the information provided to me by her is false. According to the Police Report the paramedics arrived at 2:41pm. Also, according to the police report the babysitter checked on Macie at 2:20pm discovered she wasn't breathing and called 911 at 2:36pm.