Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'm NOT crazy!!

I finished the book “Heaven is for Real” last night. For anyone that hasn’t read it you REALLY need to! When it comes to the Bible there is a whole lot that I don’t know and I’m not ashamed or scared to admit that. I have been trying to learn as much as possible and it is just taking me time. When Macie went to Heaven I had so many questions: What does it look like? What is she doing? Is she still a baby? Will she be a baby when I get to Heaven? While this book wasn’t able to answer all of my questions it did tell me through a child’s perspective what Heaven is like. It was such a comfort for me to read about it. Instead of focusing on my questions I am calmer now because I feel like I know where my daughter is, what she is doing , what she is seeing and I can’t wait to hear all about it! It may seem crazy to some people, but this has helped me.

Something I have been struggling with is being happy about life in general. I know it’s ok to smile and ok to laugh, but every time I do I feel guilty and this little voice in my head is talking and I instantly stop because I think I shouldn’t be doing this since my baby died. I kept thinking there is no way this is normal. I have also been reading obituaries online because I want to know if another family is going through this same tragedy. It happens approximately 36 times a year in Kansas City so that is at least 3 times a month…so I keep checking. This is another thing that I think is not normal nor do I wish this pain even on my worst enemy. So I haven’t said much about either of these because I thought I was going crazy, I honestly did. I got a packet from Compassionate Friends today and the first 2 things I glanced at were little paragraph’s telling me both of these things are completely normal. There is a whole list of things I have been going through that I have kept to myself because I thought I was just turning into Looney Tunes McGee. After reading this packet it has helped me discover that I am not alone in this journey, I am not crazy and things that I am going through are normal for bereaved parents.

In this packet I came across this little saying someone wrote from Florida. The “althoughs” are exactly how I am feeling now and the “you wills” are my hope for the future. For that someday that I hope to reach.

You will live
                Although you feel like you are dying.
You will laugh once again
                Although you feel that emotion is lost forever.
You will think clearly again
                Although you feel very confused most of the time.
You will celebrate your child’s life
                Although now you are enveloped in the whys and if onlys of your child’s death
You will somehow make your way through this  rough work called grieving
                Although today you feel you are slipping backwards.
You will find love, understanding and caring
                Although today you are lonely, isolated and withdrawn.

Take Care,

Here is a link my cousin Alyssa sent me on the book Heaven is for REAL if you haven’t read it then check out the link! Enjoy! J


  1. Hi Lisa-I came across your blog while reading Kellie's blog.
    I won't pretend that I have even the slightest clue how you are feeling, but, as a mom, my heart is breaking for you. I want you to know that I think of you, Chris and your precious Macie often and I hope and pray that someday you will find peace and comfort.
    Your Macie is absolutely beautiful.

  2. You are definitely not alone! Unfortunately there are many of us who understand how you are feeling. I can say, for me, the guilt eventually started to fade away. It's still there sometimes but not as strong. You are the third person that has said to read this book- I think I will head to Barnes & Noble tomorrow to check it out! Thank you!

  3. Lisa,
    I just got the book in the mail today. I am so excited about reading it. I ordered it because Kellie was talking about how it has helped her. I saw the interview of the little boy and his father a while back, but until someone brings it to your attention, you don't think about it again. I am so glad that you have gotten some peace of mind after reading this book. I can't wait to start reading this book tonight. I want to know what my baby is doing up there. I can only imagine!!! Well I hope you have great night. Still praying for you!!!

  4. Lisa,
    I came across your blog from The Staats blog. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. But, reading this last post, about you feeling guilty, I do understand guilt and it's a horrible feeling. What I wanted to say was that you shouldn't feel guilty. I think that looking online at obituaries is a normal thing. You aren't looking because you hope this on other people, you are looking because, if you did see someone who is going through what you are going through, you have someone who knows truly what you are going through and understands you. There's someone who is going through the same thing as you are, and even though you don't wish it on them, you are glad that you are not the only one that has to. You have a "support system" in them. I hope that I am making sense. Anyway, I also read that book just because it sounded like a good book to read and Kellie had recommended it. I hope that it brings you great comfort. Also feel comfort in knowing that you have a lot of friends throughout the whole country. (especially from me, in Utah). Please let me know if there is anything that I can do. I know you don't know me, but we could be fast friends if you needed one. Please take care!

  5. Macie would want you to smile, dont feel quilty... Praying for you sweet girl!!!!