I finished the book “Heaven is for Real” last night. For anyone that hasn’t read it you REALLY need to! When it comes to the Bible there is a whole lot that I don’t know and I’m not ashamed or scared to admit that. I have been trying to learn as much as possible and it is just taking me time. When Macie went to Heaven I had so many questions: What does it look like? What is she doing? Is she still a baby? Will she be a baby when I get to Heaven? While this book wasn’t able to answer all of my questions it did tell me through a child’s perspective what Heaven is like. It was such a comfort for me to read about it. Instead of focusing on my questions I am calmer now because I feel like I know where my daughter is, what she is doing , what she is seeing and I can’t wait to hear all about it! It may seem crazy to some people, but this has helped me.
Something I have been struggling with is being happy about life in general. I know it’s ok to smile and ok to laugh, but every time I do I feel guilty and this little voice in my head is talking and I instantly stop because I think I shouldn’t be doing this since my baby died. I kept thinking there is no way this is normal. I have also been reading obituaries online because I want to know if another family is going through this same tragedy. It happens approximately 36 times a year in Kansas City so that is at least 3 times a month…so I keep checking. This is another thing that I think is not normal nor do I wish this pain even on my worst enemy. So I haven’t said much about either of these because I thought I was going crazy, I honestly did. I got a packet from Compassionate Friends today and the first 2 things I glanced at were little paragraph’s telling me both of these things are completely normal. There is a whole list of things I have been going through that I have kept to myself because I thought I was just turning into Looney Tunes McGee. After reading this packet it has helped me discover that I am not alone in this journey, I am not crazy and things that I am going through are normal for bereaved parents.
In this packet I came across this little saying someone wrote from Florida. The “althoughs” are exactly how I am feeling now and the “you wills” are my hope for the future. For that someday that I hope to reach.
You will live
Although you feel like you are dying.
You will laugh once again
Although you feel that emotion is lost forever.
You will think clearly again
Although you feel very confused most of the time.
You will celebrate your child’s life
Although now you are enveloped in the whys and if onlys of your child’s death
You will somehow make your way through this rough work called grieving
Although today you feel you are slipping backwards.
You will find love, understanding and caring
Although today you are lonely, isolated and withdrawn.
Here is a link my cousin Alyssa sent me on the book Heaven is for REAL if you haven’t read it then check out the link! Enjoy! J