Thursday, March 10, 2011


Hey Friends,

I have been told it will get easier in time. Well I haven't reached the right amount of time where this has even started to get a tiny bit easier. In fact yesterday and today I feel like I am starting to go backwards. At first I needed to see all of Macie's pictures all of the time and I was ok looking at them. In fact I loved seeing her beautiful smile. I still do, but they have gotten harder for me to look at. Yesterday and today I see one picture and I'm down for the count. I just cry and cry. Granted I will never take one picture down or move it because I love seeing her they are just breaking my heart a little more than normal these past 48 hours. I know you aren't suppose to question God and his plan, but I must admit I have been. I want so badly to know and understand what his plan is and why he needed Macie so soon.

I have mentioned in other posts that Chris has two sisters, Liz & Jess. I think these girls had esp yesterday. When I was at work all of the sudden this instant sadness came over me and I was about to totally lose it at my desk. Then my phone lit up and it was a text from Liz and all she said was, "Hey Pretty Lady! How are you today." I could picture Liz in my head saying this and it brought a smile to my face and the sadness had left. It was definitely perfect timing. I talked to her for awhile through text about nothing inparticular, but it was long enough that when I got done talking to her I no longer felt like I was going to have a total break down. Then last night I was on the verge of tears again. That same sudden sadness came over me and I just wanted to bawl. Again my phone lit up only this time it was a text from Jess. It was a picture of her in her wedding dress and she looked absolutely gorgeous! (She is getting married June 17th and I can't wait!). I texted her for awhile and when I was done I no longer felt like I was going to just start bawling. Sometimes it is definitely about the small gestures that people do and like these two did and didn't even know they had done anything at all. To them they were just texting their sister-in-law, but to me it was so much more because it was what I needed to hold it together. I don't have sisters, but I don't think I could love these two any more if they were my sisters instead of Chris'.

We still don't have any updates on the autopsy so we are still waiting. I know it has only been 6 weeks and we have 2 more weeks to wait, but to me it might as well be 100 years. Every day we check the mail and think maybe it'll be in there today. Maybe once I know exactly what happened to my baby and why her tiny body gave out then I might be able to start healing. I'm not sure if knowing is going to make a difference in this grieving process, but it will definitely give me peace of mind. I have said  this in other posts and it still holds true...I need a step-by-step of everything that happened. I need to understand why she couldn't have been saved. Basically I just want an explanation of why our baby is no longer her with us.

Take Care,
Liz & Macie
Liz & Jess

P.S. I have been talking to Kellie a lot lately and we have been helping each other a lot. :) Even though she is in Texas and I'm in Missouri. Thank goodness for technology! :) On a side note she signed me up for this really cool thing called e-mealz. I'm definitely not a spokesman for them, but I have loved it so I thought I would share it with all of you.


  1. I went through a time when I couldn't look at my daughter's pictures without crying but eventually that passed. I hope it does for you too! I'm glad you have so many supportive people to help you through this. I love the picture you have at the top of your blog. It's so beautiful.

  2. Lisa,
    Its okay to cry and if someone tells you its not then they need to come to reality. Not everyone has gone through what you and Kellie are going through. I think sometimes it helps when we cry because it is therapy for us. I know when I cry it makes me feel so much better when it is all over. I am sure you will miss Macie more and more each day because she was a part of you and now a part of you is gone. Yes, people say time heals all wounds not in all cases. So if you need to cry, do so because that is a way to let it all out. Don't hold it in. I will tell you a story that my grandfather told me and I hope it helps you. I told him one day that I wish that I didn't have to cry over everything and he said sissy, be thankful that you can cry. I asked why (because I am the kind of person that if I see someone crying, I will cry too and not even know why and I can't watch sad movies either)? He said because I can't cry and it hurts so bad not to be able to cry. I asked why and he told me that when he was a little boy (10 yrs old) he lost his daddy to cancer and he was crying at school and some other boys started picking on him because he was crying.(Did the boys know why he was crying, I don't know but probably not. They probably did know that he just lost his dad. THey were just being mean) And he said after that, he made a promise to himself that he would never cry another tear and he hasn't been able to and he said it hurts so bad because it builds up on the inside and he can't let it out. He said he has the worst headache and it just makes him feel like he could explode. So anytime you feel like crying, you let it all go because no one else knows what you are going through or what may have happened in your life that day. I am sure your co-workers know and that they would understand if you have a breakdown. I am praying that today will be a better day for you. Just know that Macie is smiling down on you and is so proud of you. I listened to the song on your blog, I've got more to go to Heaven for then I did Yesterday. My dad has sang that song all my life but I have never paid attention to all the words of the song until I listened to it on your page and now when I hear that song it has a special meaning to me and I will always think of Macie.
    Love in Christ,

  3. I don't know what to say, but I am sorry for your loss. The header picture of Macie at the top of your blog is stunning. What a gorgeous girl.