WooooooSaaaaaa! I survived! My dryer is fixed (yay!) and the question I was dreading did happen. They were very nice and ended up having to go out the window in Macie's room to get to the vent on the roof. When I was helping move things out of the way one of the guys asked me, "So how old is your little girl? I love the name Macie". (We have letters on the wall in her room that Chris and I painted and glued flowers to that spell out her name). I took a deep breath and without skipping a beat I said she is still a baby and quickly changed the subject. I wanted to just crumble and cry, but I held it together. When we were moving things out of the way we had to move her little chair that she always sat in (The one in her video). The guy went to go move it and I wasn't trying to seem possessive, but I quickly jumped over and grabbed it from him and moved it. Now this is probably really weird, but if any of Macie's things were going to be moved I wanted to be the one to move them. My "event" that I was dreading turned out just fine and I made it through!
I have said earlier that time has kept going while I'm ready for it to stop. Well while time has kept going my hair has started to grow back. Some people know this, but most people don't. I have lost a lot of hair during this. It has never bothered me because I know the body reacts in different ways to such a traumatic event and I knew it would come back in time. Well if my hair is down you can't tell I have lost even a single hair, but when I pull up the sides of my hair you can see the baby hairs that now cover the thinning spots and when I pull up my bangs you can see the same thing.
And with time moving forward I will be going to my first support group meeting on Thursday. I'm very nervous and scared about this. I think it will be beneficial, but it breaks my heart that there are other people that know this kind of pain, sorrow and emptiness. Also, that there are enough of us that there is a support group. I think listening to other people's stories may help, but we will see. Maybe they will be able to say things that they are going through and I will be able to relate and instead of thinking I'm crazy I will discover this is normal. Maybe one day I will be able to get up a share with them about Macie, but I know it is still too soon. I would be able to stand up, but as soon as I said her name the tears would start flowing and they would no longer be able to understand me. So for now I will be a listener.
I'm definitely not an expert on this, but I know that the steps I'm taking and the things I'm doing is what is best for me. I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone that has read my blog and left comments. I do read and appreciate all of them. And I want to thank you for following my journey through the hardest time of my life.
P.S. Below is a picture of Macie & Chris, my 2 Favorite people! They were both sleeping so I layed Macie down next to her Daddy really quickly and snapped a picture before laying her back down in her crib :) They look so much alike!!
Daddy's Little Girl