Friday, March 25, 2011

The 25th

Hey Friends,
Well it is March 25th. The 25th of the month will never be a good day for me. It has been a horrible day of the month since July. I dread the 25th. I woke up this morning saw the clock and it began. Reliving the day Macie got her angel wings minute by minute. Then around noon I replayed the phone call Megan had to make to me in my head when she told me about the accident and that Jenny didn't make it. Life isn't one should have to attend their best friends funeral when we are only 26 and no one should ever have to bury a child!! Both things I have done and sometimes I honestly don't know how I make it through each day, but I do. I'm still here. I know there has to be something great I'm suppose to do, but I'm not really sure what that is yet. Maybe it is to advocate for SIDS? Maybe it is to help others with their grief? Maybe it is something I don't know about yet. Or maybe there is nothing and this is just the path that was made for me to live.
Today is a hard, horrible, sad, horrific and painful day. I try not to have pity parties because it isn't going to do any good, but today I am having a bad day. I walked around our house today and looked at all of the pictures of Macie and told her how pretty she is and how much her mommy misses her. When I was walking around doing this I got to the photo collage of Jenny & I. The photo collage that is above Macie's changing table. I stared at it and cried for a long time before I said anything. I couldn't hold back and the tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. I just kept thinking this wasn't the plan. This isn't how it was suppose to be. Jenny was suppose to be here with Macie and I. They weren't suppose to leave and leave me behind. When I started talking the words just kept flowing....I told Jenny how much I miss her and need her. Then I told her what Macie likes and doesn't like and when to do this and that. I have spoken these words before to Jenny, but I did it again anyways. Jenny was amazing with children so she didn't need to hear it from me because she already knows what to do, but it makes me feel better to tell her. Tomorrow is a new day.
Please take the time to read about Spring for SIDS and remember to wear pink and a bow April 29th in honor of Macie and Maddie... two precious little girls that got their Angel Wings far too soon!!!
Take Care,


  1. So sorry you are having to go through this much at such a young age.. I hope God shows you his plan soon. I know you must question all the time, how could this be a part of his plan but one day you will know.. Hope you have a better day tomm. Praying for you!!! XOXO

  2. My heart is just aching for you... I wish I could reach through this stupid computer and hug you tight and tell you that it will get easier. Sadly, I am FAR away in MN. But what I can do is share your story with everyone I know. I can help you honor Baby Macie by helping you raise money for your big 5K in April. I've prayed all morning for God to reveal how I can help you...I'm not sure there is anything I can really do. Just know that someone else is out there is praying for you and thinking about you.


  3. I came across your blog from Kellie's blog.

    Oh how my heart aches for you!!! I can't imagine all the pain and suffering you have had to endure. I'm a 26 yr old mommy too. I will hold my baby girl extra tight and thank God for every moment I have her. I don't know why such horrible things happen... We aren't supposed to know why. God has His plan and one day it will be revealed to you. Macie is ADORABLE just the cutest little girl!!! I will keep you in my prayers and pray for strength and understanding

    Much love, Sallie in TX

  4. I'm so sorry for your losses- one is more than one person should have to bear. The 25th is also the day we lost our daughter. Yesterday was five months. I dread this day, and the 24th, the day she got sick. I wish we could just skip them...
    Sending hugs your way.

  5. I can't imagine how you feel right now...I'm sure you feel like things spinning out of control sometimes. When I feel like that I remind myself that I am not in control. God is in control. Your amazingly strong and your posting your story is so very courageous..Sending many prayers and hugs your way.