Well it is March 25th. The 25th of the month will never be a good day for me. It has been a horrible day of the month since July. I dread the 25th. I woke up this morning saw the clock and it began. Reliving the day Macie got her angel wings minute by minute. Then around noon I replayed the phone call Megan had to make to me in my head when she told me about the accident and that Jenny didn't make it. Life isn't fair...no one should have to attend their best friends funeral when we are only 26 and no one should ever have to bury a child!! Both things I have done and sometimes I honestly don't know how I make it through each day, but I do. I'm still here. I know there has to be something great I'm suppose to do, but I'm not really sure what that is yet. Maybe it is to advocate for SIDS? Maybe it is to help others with their grief? Maybe it is something I don't know about yet. Or maybe there is nothing and this is just the path that was made for me to live.
Today is a hard, horrible, sad, horrific and painful day. I try not to have pity parties because it isn't going to do any good, but today I am having a bad day. I walked around our house today and looked at all of the pictures of Macie and told her how pretty she is and how much her mommy misses her. When I was walking around doing this I got to the photo collage of Jenny & I. The photo collage that is above Macie's changing table. I stared at it and cried for a long time before I said anything. I couldn't hold back and the tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. I just kept thinking this wasn't the plan. This isn't how it was suppose to be. Jenny was suppose to be here with Macie and I. They weren't suppose to leave and leave me behind. When I started talking the words just kept flowing....I told Jenny how much I miss her and need her. Then I told her what Macie likes and doesn't like and when to do this and that. I have spoken these words before to Jenny, but I did it again anyways. Jenny was amazing with children so she didn't need to hear it from me because she already knows what to do, but it makes me feel better to tell her. Tomorrow is a new day.
Please take the time to read about Spring for SIDS and remember to wear pink and a bow April 29th in honor of Macie and Maddie... two precious little girls that got their Angel Wings far too soon!!!